i must admit, i'm losing my faith in mankind. i need to get back to the gratitude in my life. yesterday was one of the toughest days i've ever had to endure. first i was threatened by a middle schooler. normally i wouldn't take such a threat seriously, but the nefarious tone in his voice told me this just wasn't an idle threat. and it occurred in a so called, "safe zone." the parking lot at my daughter's primary school is a free-for-all. we've a small parents group, one that i'm part of, that's trying to get control back from the run-amok teens and parents that take over from 3:15-3:45 every weekday. it's a madhouse, i rattles my nerves. and now this. i have to be at the school in a few hours to make a report to the school police, because they failed to show up yesterday when we called for them. it's just not important to them.
and immediately after that, i went home to follow a woman through the gates of our community. she hadn't a clue where she was going, it was obvious. she was driving an oversize van, and attempted to pull into the carports. i asked her not to, because she was going to damage the carport if she did. a few (and i mean a VERY FEW) steps away was an uncovered spot that would cause no problem. no, she was adamant, as was the person she was visiting, for 45 seconds to pick up a bag, that she was going to pull in and cause property damage to our community, just because. i tried to discuss this with our neighbor, but she was not going to see anything but HER WAY. yes, THAT type of neighbor. she shoved me, took a swing at me (we're talking a 65 year old woman here!) i had to call the police and report the assault. now i'm the bad guy in the neighborhood. i'm the troublemaker. the police wouldn't do anything about it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE THESE DAYS?
i guess i should be grateful that i have a home. but i so want out of this place. i NEED to get out of this place. it seems like every day i'm here, every day i'm forced to remain in a place i no longer want to be, i age that much faster. i feel like i'm fighting for my family. i wish i could describe the situation a little better. i feel like i'm resigned to live a life i no longer want, and that really hurts me, mentally and physically.
don't get me wrong, please. I AM GRATEFUL that we have a home. and that we keep it safe for our daughter. but it's becoming more and more difficult each day. we try to be involved with our community, but when neighbors are so cruel and nasty, you don't want to be involved, you want to retreat. and that isn't a life i want for my daughter. i want her to be able to go out and play, and be safe. and i feel i can't let her do that here. i constantly have to watch her, watch the people around her, watch the people at her school, watch EVERYTHING. it's exhausting to be constantly vigilant. i just want to be able to let her be a child, a carefree child. but i can't do that here.
we do have a little hope, though. we find out next month if she'll be admitted or wait-listed for a magnet school we're trying to get her into. one of her best friends from kindergarten and first grade is going there, and loves it. it means earlier mornings, a commute, a crazier parking lot situation, but a better education. i really want this for her. she's top of her class, but everything is so easy for her, she's not challenged. and her teachers see that. please, think good thoughts for us.
so i'm trying to get back to the gratitude project as it was envisioned. somehow, somewhere, i got sidetracked. somehow i need to strike a balance of keyboard confessional, venting, and continuing my search for the gratitude in my life. so i may go with a more stripped down version of the blog. i may just post a line or two. or i may keep writing whatever comes to mind. but the tone has to change. i haven't been appreciative lately, and that needs to change. and it will.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Monday, January 14, 2013
it's a hard knock life
i'm having a rough month. i'm having a really rough month. i'm trying to stay upbeat about what is going to happen for my family in 2013, but january, at least the first 2 weeks of it, have got me so down in the dumps i don't know what to think about the rest of the year.
i was optimistic about everything when the year started. i wanted to do a fun run on february 16, but i'm giving up on that. i was planning to have bariatric surgery, but it doesn't look like that is going to happen, either. i'm 70 pounds over weight and giving up, it seems.
my surgery is dependent on my husband getting his passport. i have to go outside the US to get the surgery because i minimally qualify for it at home, and insurance won't pay. my husband has sat on his passport application, despite my frequent requests to complete the process. so i won't be doing this, as he obviously is in a passive-aggressive state of being on the whole idea. he says he's supportive, but then is refusing to help me through the process by completing his part of the plan. and his part is the smallest of contributions. so what now?
i'm emotionally spent. i can't keep fighting for something that i know i need, because nothing else has worked. i'm retreating from everything. i'm removing myself from everything. i'm trying to disappear again. just because he won't do what he said he would do. that's the emotional toll this has taken on me. and i can't take any more.
so i'm resigned to not getting the surgery i need to be healthy. i'm resigned to living with a passive-aggressive type that won't come out and say he isn't going to follow through, he'll just refuse. and i've just about had it. i don't get out of bed these days. my health is getting worse, and i just don't give a fuck any longer. why should i care when no one else gives a shit? so i guess i'm done. i'm done fighting. i can't do it any longer. i cannot go on trying to make a better life for my family when i have a partner that will just sit by and let me flail and flounder. and just watch. so i give up. i hope he's satisfied.
i was optimistic about everything when the year started. i wanted to do a fun run on february 16, but i'm giving up on that. i was planning to have bariatric surgery, but it doesn't look like that is going to happen, either. i'm 70 pounds over weight and giving up, it seems.
my surgery is dependent on my husband getting his passport. i have to go outside the US to get the surgery because i minimally qualify for it at home, and insurance won't pay. my husband has sat on his passport application, despite my frequent requests to complete the process. so i won't be doing this, as he obviously is in a passive-aggressive state of being on the whole idea. he says he's supportive, but then is refusing to help me through the process by completing his part of the plan. and his part is the smallest of contributions. so what now?
i'm emotionally spent. i can't keep fighting for something that i know i need, because nothing else has worked. i'm retreating from everything. i'm removing myself from everything. i'm trying to disappear again. just because he won't do what he said he would do. that's the emotional toll this has taken on me. and i can't take any more.
so i'm resigned to not getting the surgery i need to be healthy. i'm resigned to living with a passive-aggressive type that won't come out and say he isn't going to follow through, he'll just refuse. and i've just about had it. i don't get out of bed these days. my health is getting worse, and i just don't give a fuck any longer. why should i care when no one else gives a shit? so i guess i'm done. i'm done fighting. i can't do it any longer. i cannot go on trying to make a better life for my family when i have a partner that will just sit by and let me flail and flounder. and just watch. so i give up. i hope he's satisfied.
Friday, January 11, 2013
second verse, same as the first?
it's 5:04 am. i'm awake. ugh. insomnia kicking in again? i did sleep some last night, after a really great day out with my husband. he's off again today, and we have a lot of errand on our plate today, starting EARLY. it looks like a crock pot sort of day for dinner.
up until a few minutes ago, i was blissfully curled up in bed, with an extra duvet on the bed (it's COOOOLD HERE!) with my little italian greyhound curled up by my side, between hubby and i, my big girl, blanche, our diluted grey tortie adopted from my niece curled up at my feet. let's just say, i couldn't move. all snug in our bed, until the pup decided she wanted to be a foot warmer. okay by me, i need that, too. listening to Iz singing on Pandora, what could be wrong with the world?
i don't know what it is about that song, but it always gets me. we played it a lot for our daughter, in her nursery when she was a baby. she knew Iz before most kids know Raffi. thankfully, she still doesn't know Raffi. (joke to my sister.) i'm very quietly singing it to the dog, and a tear runs down my face. yes, this song ALWAYS gets me. the pooch is pushing her head back against me, into the song, and she feels a tear on her neck. she turns around and licks the tear off my face. thank you, God, for the unconditional love of dogs.
so i'm hoping fo r another good day with my husband. i'm at that age that hormonal mood swings are kicking in, and i don't always have control of my moods, and I DO NOT LIKE IT. i'm the sort of person that dislikes not having control of everything. i'm a type A, and i don't deny it. i OWN that type A personality. i've tried for years to relax. yes, my house is a mess, but it drives me nuts. ugh, it drives me CRAZY some days. i need to let it go, i try, but....
anyway, i've had a few really good days lately. i've had a few REALLY good days. everyone has been great, i've been happy mom again, the person i used to know. and love. i like happy mom, she's a nice person, a good person. unhappy mom is a bit of, well....a bitch. she harps on everything and just isn't a nice person. happy mom has been in residence lately and life has been good. i just wish happy mom could get everyone else motivated to get their part of the projects that need to get done around here at least started. THAT is the biggest cause of my frustration. i don't know how to request we get the projects started any longer, without sounding like a nag or banshee. it's been seven years on my cabinets. i think i've been patient enough. time to get cracking on this. we've got the paint, we've got the supplies, LET'S GET T HIS DONE! always one reason or another. *sigh*
so, i feel like i'm singing the same old song, but i need to change the verses around. any suggestions? we have furniture to build, painting to do, a new floor to put in, no small tasks. and i cannot do this alone. and the funds to hire someone are not there. it's strictly DIY, except the floor. if i don't change the tune, unhappy mom is going to return, and i don't want her to. oh, i need help on this one. ALL HANDS ON DECK!
i need to sneak in a few more hours of sleep. in three hours i'll be out in the cold, selling tickets for the PTA spaghetti dinner. i hope this goes well. with only 5 of us working with the organization, in a school of over 700 students, we're really behind the 8 ball. must remember to dress warm.
for now, i think i'll go forget myself in the glorious caramel tones of nat king cole. at least he thinks i'm "unforgettable." and that's a different verse.
good morning, world.
up until a few minutes ago, i was blissfully curled up in bed, with an extra duvet on the bed (it's COOOOLD HERE!) with my little italian greyhound curled up by my side, between hubby and i, my big girl, blanche, our diluted grey tortie adopted from my niece curled up at my feet. let's just say, i couldn't move. all snug in our bed, until the pup decided she wanted to be a foot warmer. okay by me, i need that, too. listening to Iz singing on Pandora, what could be wrong with the world?
i don't know what it is about that song, but it always gets me. we played it a lot for our daughter, in her nursery when she was a baby. she knew Iz before most kids know Raffi. thankfully, she still doesn't know Raffi. (joke to my sister.) i'm very quietly singing it to the dog, and a tear runs down my face. yes, this song ALWAYS gets me. the pooch is pushing her head back against me, into the song, and she feels a tear on her neck. she turns around and licks the tear off my face. thank you, God, for the unconditional love of dogs.
so i'm hoping fo r another good day with my husband. i'm at that age that hormonal mood swings are kicking in, and i don't always have control of my moods, and I DO NOT LIKE IT. i'm the sort of person that dislikes not having control of everything. i'm a type A, and i don't deny it. i OWN that type A personality. i've tried for years to relax. yes, my house is a mess, but it drives me nuts. ugh, it drives me CRAZY some days. i need to let it go, i try, but....
anyway, i've had a few really good days lately. i've had a few REALLY good days. everyone has been great, i've been happy mom again, the person i used to know. and love. i like happy mom, she's a nice person, a good person. unhappy mom is a bit of, well....a bitch. she harps on everything and just isn't a nice person. happy mom has been in residence lately and life has been good. i just wish happy mom could get everyone else motivated to get their part of the projects that need to get done around here at least started. THAT is the biggest cause of my frustration. i don't know how to request we get the projects started any longer, without sounding like a nag or banshee. it's been seven years on my cabinets. i think i've been patient enough. time to get cracking on this. we've got the paint, we've got the supplies, LET'S GET T HIS DONE! always one reason or another. *sigh*
so, i feel like i'm singing the same old song, but i need to change the verses around. any suggestions? we have furniture to build, painting to do, a new floor to put in, no small tasks. and i cannot do this alone. and the funds to hire someone are not there. it's strictly DIY, except the floor. if i don't change the tune, unhappy mom is going to return, and i don't want her to. oh, i need help on this one. ALL HANDS ON DECK!
i need to sneak in a few more hours of sleep. in three hours i'll be out in the cold, selling tickets for the PTA spaghetti dinner. i hope this goes well. with only 5 of us working with the organization, in a school of over 700 students, we're really behind the 8 ball. must remember to dress warm.
for now, i think i'll go forget myself in the glorious caramel tones of nat king cole. at least he thinks i'm "unforgettable." and that's a different verse.
good morning, world.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
signs
i'm a big believer in signs. sometimes i remain unconvinced until i see a sign. i just have to have something rather tangible to confirm my beliefs. well....
last weekend we were enjoying a family day out. it's not often we have the gift of itinerancy and just meander through our day with no fixed agenda. but this was one of those rare occasions. first, we had to stop at old navy and exchange some christmas gifts for our daughter. don't you hate it when the hanger says one size, when it's a COMPLETELY different sized garment? i didn't notice, usually i do. back to the store they go. then lunch. i don't remember where we went, but we had a great time, lots of laughs and fun. on the way home....we passed....THE GOODWILL SUPERSTORE.
i love my thrift shopping like crazy. we've gotten some great deals at goodwill. this was a new store, and we hadn't been there before. we're halfway past, and little one says, "i wouldn't mind if we stopped and looked." translation: "mom and dad, i'd love to go to goodwill and pick up some new books." that's what that usually means. so we turn around, hunt for parking, and i do mean hunt, and proceed to shop.
furniture was a bust, so i gave up on that immediately. i went to housewares. hubby and little one went over to find board games. i found the most interesting brass wall hanging, i had to buy it. i had no idea what it said, but i knew i had to buy it. it was in arabic, and it read (approximately, i cannot recreate it here):
الثقة في الله
which means Trust in God.
so...a sign? i believe so. i believe i'm on the right path. it was a totally random stop, on a totally random day, and i found this? there was a gentleman at the store shopping, who was Muslim. he translated it for us. he said if i hadn't found it first, he would be buying it. i took that as A VERY GOOD SIGN.
i don't know why i have to have signs, and i can't take faith on well, faith, but i do. i've struggled with this for a very long time. and i think i may have found a home. i'm still a bit uneasy, because i cannot get my memory to engage, and memorize phrases and words, but i'll get there. i'll get there by making flashcards. great. more signs. :)
last weekend we were enjoying a family day out. it's not often we have the gift of itinerancy and just meander through our day with no fixed agenda. but this was one of those rare occasions. first, we had to stop at old navy and exchange some christmas gifts for our daughter. don't you hate it when the hanger says one size, when it's a COMPLETELY different sized garment? i didn't notice, usually i do. back to the store they go. then lunch. i don't remember where we went, but we had a great time, lots of laughs and fun. on the way home....we passed....THE GOODWILL SUPERSTORE.
i love my thrift shopping like crazy. we've gotten some great deals at goodwill. this was a new store, and we hadn't been there before. we're halfway past, and little one says, "i wouldn't mind if we stopped and looked." translation: "mom and dad, i'd love to go to goodwill and pick up some new books." that's what that usually means. so we turn around, hunt for parking, and i do mean hunt, and proceed to shop.
furniture was a bust, so i gave up on that immediately. i went to housewares. hubby and little one went over to find board games. i found the most interesting brass wall hanging, i had to buy it. i had no idea what it said, but i knew i had to buy it. it was in arabic, and it read (approximately, i cannot recreate it here):
الثقة في الله
which means Trust in God.
so...a sign? i believe so. i believe i'm on the right path. it was a totally random stop, on a totally random day, and i found this? there was a gentleman at the store shopping, who was Muslim. he translated it for us. he said if i hadn't found it first, he would be buying it. i took that as A VERY GOOD SIGN.
i don't know why i have to have signs, and i can't take faith on well, faith, but i do. i've struggled with this for a very long time. and i think i may have found a home. i'm still a bit uneasy, because i cannot get my memory to engage, and memorize phrases and words, but i'll get there. i'll get there by making flashcards. great. more signs. :)
Thursday, January 3, 2013
the buddy system?
so i checked my stats today. i have a reader that stumbled on my little blog from turkey? really? i'm overwhelmed. i have a mission to learn at least rudimentary turkish this year. want to be my buddy and help me learn? just throwing it out there. i hope i get a response, it would be great to hear from you! let me know if you would be up for a cross-cultural exchange of conversation. that is it for this post. i have another one to write today, so off to do that.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
under my thumb
i've been living someone else's life for the past 20 years, approximately. it's certainly not the one i've been intending to live. i've let everyone's prejudices and opinions color my thoughts and actions. no longer will i do that. i am going to try to live true to my heart. i've pretty much announced my intentions on this blog, and i've not heard word one from those "friends" that seem to care so much about me. i haven't heard a peep from them. i guess i now know what i suspected all along.
as long as i was under their control, thought and action, i was okay as a friend. but now that i'm fed up, and really trying to find out who i am, at almost 50 years of age, they no longer want to be friends with me. okay. so be it. i'm grateful that i've determined my true intentions and that i am trying to chart my course. it's going to be very lonely at times, like right now. i have no one to lean on, but i guess that's what i'm meant to experience, so i know this is what i truly need in my life.
under their thumbs no more.
as long as i was under their control, thought and action, i was okay as a friend. but now that i'm fed up, and really trying to find out who i am, at almost 50 years of age, they no longer want to be friends with me. okay. so be it. i'm grateful that i've determined my true intentions and that i am trying to chart my course. it's going to be very lonely at times, like right now. i have no one to lean on, but i guess that's what i'm meant to experience, so i know this is what i truly need in my life.
under their thumbs no more.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
wrench, please. for the wench, please.
my attitude has needed adjusting. that's why i haven't been blogging. the holidays are particularly difficult for me, and i felt as though i was victimized by someone that blogged about my not feeling "connected" to the holidays. the more people got on their christian high horses, the more pissed off i got. and that person had to write a blog entry about it. i'm still hurt by it, as if you couldn't tell.
but i have to move on. i'm looking for tutors. i'm looking for a tutor in Turkish and a tutor in Arabic. it's unfortunately too late to sign up at the local junior college for Arabic I, so i can't take any classes. there was also a very interesting class on Islam being offered, by a professor i know. it would have been fabulous to have been able to take those classes, but i found out about them too late. so i'm going to call and see if i can at least audit the class on Islam. there are some very good ideals that i would like to learn about.
and i plan on attending my local masjid in the coming year. save your breath, if you're going to tell me i'm going to hell. it's very unchristian to judge another person and their religious beliefs. i've hung out with hari krishnas, sikhs (at yoga conferences, they are FASCINATING people) baha'i, jews, hindis, buddhists, you name it. no one has EVER told me i'm going to hell if i don't believe what they believe.....only radical christians. READ THAT AGAIN. RADICAL CHRISTIANS. not every christian i know. but then again there are those mainstream christians that judge me just as much. i don't judge them. i'm happy they have faith. it's something i've been searching for for nearly 40 years. and now i want to explore Islam. so don't come down hard on me. be happy for me, wish me well in my journey and pray that i find the peace that i so need to find.
i've been very private about this for a long time, but now i'm putting it out there. and i truly wish that people can find it in their hearts to be kind and help me along in this journey. i need a lot of support, because i already know a lot of people are going to turn their backs on me, just because. and that's their choice. and that's okay. if they are that small minded, and they don't see that i'm still the same person, just trying to live by holding myself to a higher standard, is it my loss? or theirs? i've cried a lot of tears over this decision. but in my heart, i know there is peace to be found. i walked into a mosque on 9/11 and sat for hours talking to men and women, telling my story, and it's a unique story for someone just coming to Islam. i didn't know what to expect. but what i got? genuine caring and concern. unfortunately i haven't been able to get back to the mosque because i can't drive right now. but i expect that soon that will change.
i need a new community. i need to find a way to expand my heart. and forgiveness is the best way to do so. i'm kind of hoping i'll be like the grinch in the next few weeks and my heart will grow two sizes, to accept and express all the love i want to get out there. the bitterness has to go. there is a lot of love hidden inside. it just needs the right foil to find its way out.
but i have to move on. i'm looking for tutors. i'm looking for a tutor in Turkish and a tutor in Arabic. it's unfortunately too late to sign up at the local junior college for Arabic I, so i can't take any classes. there was also a very interesting class on Islam being offered, by a professor i know. it would have been fabulous to have been able to take those classes, but i found out about them too late. so i'm going to call and see if i can at least audit the class on Islam. there are some very good ideals that i would like to learn about.
and i plan on attending my local masjid in the coming year. save your breath, if you're going to tell me i'm going to hell. it's very unchristian to judge another person and their religious beliefs. i've hung out with hari krishnas, sikhs (at yoga conferences, they are FASCINATING people) baha'i, jews, hindis, buddhists, you name it. no one has EVER told me i'm going to hell if i don't believe what they believe.....only radical christians. READ THAT AGAIN. RADICAL CHRISTIANS. not every christian i know. but then again there are those mainstream christians that judge me just as much. i don't judge them. i'm happy they have faith. it's something i've been searching for for nearly 40 years. and now i want to explore Islam. so don't come down hard on me. be happy for me, wish me well in my journey and pray that i find the peace that i so need to find.
i've been very private about this for a long time, but now i'm putting it out there. and i truly wish that people can find it in their hearts to be kind and help me along in this journey. i need a lot of support, because i already know a lot of people are going to turn their backs on me, just because. and that's their choice. and that's okay. if they are that small minded, and they don't see that i'm still the same person, just trying to live by holding myself to a higher standard, is it my loss? or theirs? i've cried a lot of tears over this decision. but in my heart, i know there is peace to be found. i walked into a mosque on 9/11 and sat for hours talking to men and women, telling my story, and it's a unique story for someone just coming to Islam. i didn't know what to expect. but what i got? genuine caring and concern. unfortunately i haven't been able to get back to the mosque because i can't drive right now. but i expect that soon that will change.
i need a new community. i need to find a way to expand my heart. and forgiveness is the best way to do so. i'm kind of hoping i'll be like the grinch in the next few weeks and my heart will grow two sizes, to accept and express all the love i want to get out there. the bitterness has to go. there is a lot of love hidden inside. it just needs the right foil to find its way out.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)