my husband and i have had a few conversations lately regarding religion. one religion, specifically. i am a seeker, curious by nature, and want to find out more. he seems to think that it would be dangerous, risky, even hurtful for me to indulge my curiosity. it's causing a lot of hard feelings and very little conversation. by that, i mean when the subject comes up, one or both of us gets mad, end of conversation.
now, it's not like i'm forcing my views on anyone in my family. hardly. i've never been one to subscribe to that line of thinking. just because i go to one house of worship doesn't mean he has to. quite frankly, he has gone to church with me once since we've been married. that was because my stepdaughter and i sort of ganged up on him while on a visit in california and got him to go. it's just not his thing. that's okay with me.
but for me, there's something missing. i need tradition. i need history. i need structure. i need to have something that is bigger than me, just to give me hope. i'm a pretty rational person, most of the time (yes, i put a disclaimer in there. deal with it.) but i feel that i just need to surrender to something bigger than me at times. when things are really difficult, it's comforting. when things go really well, it's nice to think that it's not just because all the pieces fell into place at once, but because someone or something saw fit to make things go our way for a change.
look, i'm not a bible thumping, proselytizing, gonna bring you to jesus type. i'm much further from that. my relationship with God is just that. MINE. no one has a right to tell me how to have that relationship, it's up to me. and i want to explore a little. there's something that appeals to me and i want to check it out. but my husband doesn't want me to. it's okay with him if i read about it, but not if i actively worship. and that doesn't sit well with me. it's not like it's going to change who i am. i am who i am. i am who i'm going to be. but i just wish i could help him understand that it's a personal decision and that no one outside our family needs to be affected by my choice. it's a very private issue, and i intend to have it remain private.
so i'm trying to figure out how to appease my husband's fears, and find a way to study with others. i'm a bit isolated up on my mountain. i don't know that many people in this faith, but i want to learn more. it's just one more thing to be grateful for, that's how i see it.
