it seems that my gratitude project is having an unexpected side effect on my family. we've decided to take the SNAP (formerly food stamp) challenge. a family of three is allotted $203 per month in assistance. we're going to budget $203 per month for food. hubby and i decided to do this for 3 months, but after much discussion and thought, he changed his mind and decided to expand it to 6 months, reserving the option to go for a year, if he feels we're succeeding at this. so two blogs are having a profound effect on my family. i'm a happier person, AND we're going to get healthier with our eating habits.
this should be an interesting time for us. we'll learn what gratitude to have a meal on the table is truly like. we're going to be shopping sales, learning to cook in different ways, eat more grains and less meats (YEA!) i'm going to have to learn to use coupons. i admit, i've never used them before. i'm going to have to sit down with my friend jessie, a coupon queen, and learn how to do this. we're going to have to shop at different stores. produce is still going to be a big part of my budget, but i'm going to try to figure out how to build a cold frame, so i can continue to grow certain things, like lettuces, carrots and spinach on the patio. i'm going to have to find a barrel or trash can to grow potatoes in. we're going to have to find a way to store apples so we can buy them when they're on sale, because little one loves her apples. i don't have access to a root cellar, i don't know of a single house in vegas that has a basement, so that's out. cold storage is going to have to be on the patio. it's going to be a learning experience for all of us!
i didn't happen to think that this was just a nutrition experiment. oh, no. i wanted to teach my child the value of what she has. it's important to me that she have a full tummy, and she go to bed each night happy and healthy. but i want her to experience how many of the families we live around go through their day to day existence. how many of her classmates live. i want her, and us, to appreciate all the gifts we have been given in this life. we're very fortunate to live in the day and age that we do. i want to be able to appreciate it more. through fresh eyes.
so restaurants are out, home cooking is in. bread making is going to be my biggest past time. we'll be going through a lot of it, i imagine. we'll still find the time and money to celebrate thanksgiving, it just might be a less traditional one. i'm going to learn all kinds of new techniques and new foods. and we're going to shop in place we've never considered before. gratitude begins at home. i want to be grateful for everything that i have. and i want to let those things that i no longer need find a happy home. this can be a very good win-win situation, if we're all dedicated to making it work. i'm going to need a lot of support on this. i know there will be days when i'm weak. i'm counting on ANYONE that's is reading to hold me to this.
if you have any suggestions, recipes, ideas, thoughts, questions...by all means, PLEASE leave a comment. i'll do my best to answer them as honestly (and as seriously, no sarcastically) as i can. i'm hoping i have some support out there. this is a HUGE undertaking for a woman that is used to a very european manner of shopping. go to the market on the day you are making something, buy it, take it home and cook it. it's also a very EXPENSIVE manner of shopping. time to shake things up and change them. and to learn to be grateful and gracious with what we have been given. so.....let's hear it. let me know what you think. am i crazy? is it a nobel undertaking? a brilliant idea? or just plain cuckoo? i want to hear from you, ANY OF YOU.
the experiment begins november 1, 2012 and runs through at least, may 1, 2013. wish us luck!
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Monday, October 29, 2012
the word or the day is awkward....
it's really amazing what 72 hours in the mountains can do for me. i get up in that air, and all the stresses just seem to melt away. the air is so crisp and fresh. the smell of pine and cedar are so heady, it almost makes me drunk. and then the smoke from fires burning in fireplaces and wood stoves? just adds to it. that smell takes me back to my childhood.
my maternal grandparents didn't have central heat in their house. i don't think they even had a furnace. i know they had a pump in the kitchen to bring water in for cooking and cleaning. there was an outhouse, which was rather um, an experience for a townie kid. my grandfather had a little bit of land, and a large garden or small farm, whichever you choose to call it. he had chickens, he had a cow for a while, i remember. i can remember picking strawberries, currants, peas, beans, digging potatoes, helping out in the garden with things like that. and i did so at our own house, too. we had raspberries and a garden that rotated crops every year. constants were lettuces, tomatoes, beans. we each got to choose a crop a year. i can remember the zucchini year, far too many zucchini! the popcorn year, that was fun. mine was the pumpkin year. we had pumpkins galore! our neighbors grew wonderful potatoes, and we helped them plant, tend and dig (harvest) the potatoes. a lot of hard work, but for kids, it was good work.
but this brings me back to this weekend. we went to visit family, in the southern california mountains. i sleep so well there. i actually get rest. the water is the best water EVER! sunday, before we were leaving, we stopped over at the real estate office to see if there were any new listings. there were two. we looked at one, and i didn't like it from the get go. i saw potential, but i also saw a money pit. we went back to the office, with every intention of leaving, and hubby saw another listing on the board. well, why not check that one out, too?
awkward is the first word that comes to mind. tiny, awkward, almost unworkable, and i'm completely in love with the place. yes, it could be a money pit, too. but at least it's a LIVABLE money pit, at least for a year or two, until we can get things going. small projects can take up most of the time, until the big stuff has to happen. and there's big stuff. but it can be a GREAT house. i've been wanting to "live small." and this would be doing just that. 734 square feet. we'd have to really purge our lifestyle and our home to fit all three of us in this little cabin in the mountains. but wouldn't that be a good thing? teaching responsible living to our daughter? don't try to take more than you actually need? and try to learn how to be self sufficient? what a great lesson we could be living. now, if i could just find the money for it.
i'm more relaxed after a few days in the mountains. i'm also more tired. i'm wanting to go, so we can be closer to family. because i'm grateful that little one has a bigger sister, and she has a nephew that she loves to play with. and i would just love to give them the opportunity to see each other more. and a mental health moment of going outside and just hiking up a hill to clear my mind? what more could anyone ask for?
my maternal grandparents didn't have central heat in their house. i don't think they even had a furnace. i know they had a pump in the kitchen to bring water in for cooking and cleaning. there was an outhouse, which was rather um, an experience for a townie kid. my grandfather had a little bit of land, and a large garden or small farm, whichever you choose to call it. he had chickens, he had a cow for a while, i remember. i can remember picking strawberries, currants, peas, beans, digging potatoes, helping out in the garden with things like that. and i did so at our own house, too. we had raspberries and a garden that rotated crops every year. constants were lettuces, tomatoes, beans. we each got to choose a crop a year. i can remember the zucchini year, far too many zucchini! the popcorn year, that was fun. mine was the pumpkin year. we had pumpkins galore! our neighbors grew wonderful potatoes, and we helped them plant, tend and dig (harvest) the potatoes. a lot of hard work, but for kids, it was good work.
but this brings me back to this weekend. we went to visit family, in the southern california mountains. i sleep so well there. i actually get rest. the water is the best water EVER! sunday, before we were leaving, we stopped over at the real estate office to see if there were any new listings. there were two. we looked at one, and i didn't like it from the get go. i saw potential, but i also saw a money pit. we went back to the office, with every intention of leaving, and hubby saw another listing on the board. well, why not check that one out, too?
awkward is the first word that comes to mind. tiny, awkward, almost unworkable, and i'm completely in love with the place. yes, it could be a money pit, too. but at least it's a LIVABLE money pit, at least for a year or two, until we can get things going. small projects can take up most of the time, until the big stuff has to happen. and there's big stuff. but it can be a GREAT house. i've been wanting to "live small." and this would be doing just that. 734 square feet. we'd have to really purge our lifestyle and our home to fit all three of us in this little cabin in the mountains. but wouldn't that be a good thing? teaching responsible living to our daughter? don't try to take more than you actually need? and try to learn how to be self sufficient? what a great lesson we could be living. now, if i could just find the money for it.
i'm more relaxed after a few days in the mountains. i'm also more tired. i'm wanting to go, so we can be closer to family. because i'm grateful that little one has a bigger sister, and she has a nephew that she loves to play with. and i would just love to give them the opportunity to see each other more. and a mental health moment of going outside and just hiking up a hill to clear my mind? what more could anyone ask for?
almost perfect...
and i wish i had taken pictures. funny how you get distracted when you're falling in love with a place. well, maybe we'll get some pictures from one of our "sources." until then, i need sleep. yes, it's a cryptic post. i'm tired. and just over the moon. but sleep beacons. and she's not to be denied.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
your new assignment, should you choose to accept it...
is to read my friend, colleen doherty romanelli's blog, "things i find on the ground," here on blogspot. it's really good stuff. it's hard to believe that colleen and i have known each other for 30 years. we met as teenagers while marching in the Knights Drum and Bugle Corps from Geneseo, Illinois. sadly, the Knights no longer exist. but thanks to facebook, colleen and i have gotten back in touch. and she's one of the reasons i'm writing this blog. and it's been helping be be more positive, less pessimistic. and i can be a very sarcastic an pessimistic person. the sarcasm lives on, as it should. but now it takes its form in a lighter, more jovial way.
so go read. reading is good. this blog is good stuff. i'm going to go read it again today. i challenge you to do the same.
btw, i dislike tom cruise and the mission impossible movies. this was the original version, ala 1970's. because the original is ALWAYS better than a copy. and colleen is one of a kind!
so go read. reading is good. this blog is good stuff. i'm going to go read it again today. i challenge you to do the same.
btw, i dislike tom cruise and the mission impossible movies. this was the original version, ala 1970's. because the original is ALWAYS better than a copy. and colleen is one of a kind!
24 hours later.....
....and i'm back. we had no phone service. i've had it with our phone provider. i actually said to the customer service rep handling the call (that our cell phones didn't drop, have i mentioned, we live on the side of a mountain?) "you do relize this is the twenty-first century version of, 'the dog ate my homework.'" imagine, she didn't laugh. not even a chortle. someone has NO SENSE OF HUMOR!
so we're changing our provider. i'm tired of it happening. it's happened too much, and i don't want to angry (i said that word again) about little things like that. it ruins my day, REALLY! so, enough. but i have to admit, this blog is doing it's thing. 24 hours with no phone service meant 24 hours with NO POLITICAL CALLS!!! WOO HOO!!!!!! it was nice and quiet. blissfully so.
but unfortunately, i didn't get to enjoy it all. i've been burning the candle at both ends. and my body has this incredible way of telling me to cool it. it just shuts down. all systems stop. i pass out, my husband has to drag me back to bed, and i have to sleep. and i mean sleep. and then the nausea starts. it wasn't pretty. never ever think that you're going to do your overstressed, under rested self a favor by having falafel for lunch. it ain't pretty. so i went to bed early. and kept getting up because of the nausea. only one thing will cure that, and it's humiliating. it's a mcdonald's cheeseburger and fries. how embarrassing!
so at 1:00 am, when hubby got home from work, he's trying to feed me a cheeseburger and fries, i manage to eat about 1/3 of it, and i have had enough. i need sleep. lots and lots of sleep. in fact, i'm not getting out of bed today. we have another busy weekend ahead of us, and i need all the rest i can get. i have to pack at sometime, but i'm not concerned. i'll get it done. i can pack with my eyese closed. i need the rest. so, this entry and then sleep. okay, maybe an episode of burn notice, but i am going to sleep some more. i have daughter duty coming up at 3:45 when she gets home, so time's a wastin'. later, gator.
so we're changing our provider. i'm tired of it happening. it's happened too much, and i don't want to angry (i said that word again) about little things like that. it ruins my day, REALLY! so, enough. but i have to admit, this blog is doing it's thing. 24 hours with no phone service meant 24 hours with NO POLITICAL CALLS!!! WOO HOO!!!!!! it was nice and quiet. blissfully so.
but unfortunately, i didn't get to enjoy it all. i've been burning the candle at both ends. and my body has this incredible way of telling me to cool it. it just shuts down. all systems stop. i pass out, my husband has to drag me back to bed, and i have to sleep. and i mean sleep. and then the nausea starts. it wasn't pretty. never ever think that you're going to do your overstressed, under rested self a favor by having falafel for lunch. it ain't pretty. so i went to bed early. and kept getting up because of the nausea. only one thing will cure that, and it's humiliating. it's a mcdonald's cheeseburger and fries. how embarrassing!
so at 1:00 am, when hubby got home from work, he's trying to feed me a cheeseburger and fries, i manage to eat about 1/3 of it, and i have had enough. i need sleep. lots and lots of sleep. in fact, i'm not getting out of bed today. we have another busy weekend ahead of us, and i need all the rest i can get. i have to pack at sometime, but i'm not concerned. i'll get it done. i can pack with my eyese closed. i need the rest. so, this entry and then sleep. okay, maybe an episode of burn notice, but i am going to sleep some more. i have daughter duty coming up at 3:45 when she gets home, so time's a wastin'. later, gator.
Monday, October 22, 2012
the anger dance
i'm having to find a new way to deal with anger. ANGER. i don't even like the word, let alone having to admit that i'm ANGRY. how do you deal with anger and still find a way to express your gratitude? it seems like quite a conundrum, doesn't it? but i'm finding the more i acknowledge my anger, and not let it seethe, the easier it is to let go of whatever it is that makes me so upset. i just wish i would have learned this technique about 30 years ago. i might be in a very different place. but then again, maybe i wasn't supposed to learn it 30 years ago. there i go, questioning the universe again. i must learn not to do that. the universe knows what she's doing, and we're just a small gathering of molecules that possess enough intelligence to dare to question her authority.
so, what am i do to about handling my anger? i'm a crazy baker. but that's not going to help, i enjoy eating what i bake. and i'm trying to lose weight. just a bit counterproductive, and rather passive-aggresive to myself. and that in itself, is a truly depressing thought. how do you express your anger, yet learn to embrace it and be grateful for? undoubtedly, the biggest dilemma i've come across yet in life.
do i learn a hobby? do i submerge myself in learning to knit or crochet until i become one of those crazy women that knits and crochets everything from toaster cozies to cat sweaters? that's such an unbecoming thought in and of itself, i can't even attempt to entertain it. i used to latch hook when i was a 12 or 13 year old. it was something to do during the cold illinois winters. i wasn't an extremely popular kid, so it occupied my time. i just was never very crafty. i'm a cook, and i'm a gardner. and here i have a very small kitchen, but it's mine. and unfortunately, i have no land. we live in a condo, but again, it's ours. i bought it as a single gal, never expecting to get married or have a child. ms. universe had other plans for me, that cosmic joker that she is.
i keep coming back to the same thought, time and time again. "what if i'm just not that creative?" i can think of a thousand projects i'd LIKE to do, but i lack the know how to do them. i'm not very artistic at all. i took art in high school, but i never found the medium that helped me best express myself. i always needed a lot of extra coaching and coaxing to bring out "my muse." i'm beginning to wonder if we all have a muse in the first place. now it seems, i'm just afraid to attempt anything such as painting, drawing, sculpting, anything. my brain and hands are very disjointed, it would seem. i see things i want to do in my head, but when i try to put them down on paper or canvas, they look nothing like what i intended them to be. and that brings frustration. but that's another entry, all in itself.
back to anger. yelling? i don't want to do that. i was scared of yelling when i was a child. i have a child, and i don't want her to have that same trauma. i can't seem to sit still long enough to meditate, so that's not an option. punching a pillow? i'd rather take a krav maga class and get something out of it, but i can't do that at the moment. and i don't want to stew in my anger. i need to let it out, in a constructive and positive manner. so i'm going to try an experiment, for at least a month. whenever i feel angry, i'm going to try to find a quiet place, sometimes harder to do than it sounds. and i'm going to sit with my anger, for at least 10 minutes. try to really think about what it is that's making me angry. i know that 10 minutes doesn't sound like a lot of time, but when you are trying to focus on the one thing that is making you angry (or sad, or miserable, or happy, or frustrated or insert emotion here) it can be an eternity. and then i am going to actively try to release the anger. i'm not sure how i'm going to do that, this is a work in progress, an experiment. i'm open to suggestions. and finally i will thank the universe for letting me feel anger. for letting me know that i'm truly alive. for letting me bring myself back to center, and for letting me move on. and move on, i will. and we'll see how it goes. i'm really, really hoping to report back in one month's time that i'm not sitting in my house knitting sweaters for my cats.
so, what am i do to about handling my anger? i'm a crazy baker. but that's not going to help, i enjoy eating what i bake. and i'm trying to lose weight. just a bit counterproductive, and rather passive-aggresive to myself. and that in itself, is a truly depressing thought. how do you express your anger, yet learn to embrace it and be grateful for? undoubtedly, the biggest dilemma i've come across yet in life.
do i learn a hobby? do i submerge myself in learning to knit or crochet until i become one of those crazy women that knits and crochets everything from toaster cozies to cat sweaters? that's such an unbecoming thought in and of itself, i can't even attempt to entertain it. i used to latch hook when i was a 12 or 13 year old. it was something to do during the cold illinois winters. i wasn't an extremely popular kid, so it occupied my time. i just was never very crafty. i'm a cook, and i'm a gardner. and here i have a very small kitchen, but it's mine. and unfortunately, i have no land. we live in a condo, but again, it's ours. i bought it as a single gal, never expecting to get married or have a child. ms. universe had other plans for me, that cosmic joker that she is.
i keep coming back to the same thought, time and time again. "what if i'm just not that creative?" i can think of a thousand projects i'd LIKE to do, but i lack the know how to do them. i'm not very artistic at all. i took art in high school, but i never found the medium that helped me best express myself. i always needed a lot of extra coaching and coaxing to bring out "my muse." i'm beginning to wonder if we all have a muse in the first place. now it seems, i'm just afraid to attempt anything such as painting, drawing, sculpting, anything. my brain and hands are very disjointed, it would seem. i see things i want to do in my head, but when i try to put them down on paper or canvas, they look nothing like what i intended them to be. and that brings frustration. but that's another entry, all in itself.
back to anger. yelling? i don't want to do that. i was scared of yelling when i was a child. i have a child, and i don't want her to have that same trauma. i can't seem to sit still long enough to meditate, so that's not an option. punching a pillow? i'd rather take a krav maga class and get something out of it, but i can't do that at the moment. and i don't want to stew in my anger. i need to let it out, in a constructive and positive manner. so i'm going to try an experiment, for at least a month. whenever i feel angry, i'm going to try to find a quiet place, sometimes harder to do than it sounds. and i'm going to sit with my anger, for at least 10 minutes. try to really think about what it is that's making me angry. i know that 10 minutes doesn't sound like a lot of time, but when you are trying to focus on the one thing that is making you angry (or sad, or miserable, or happy, or frustrated or insert emotion here) it can be an eternity. and then i am going to actively try to release the anger. i'm not sure how i'm going to do that, this is a work in progress, an experiment. i'm open to suggestions. and finally i will thank the universe for letting me feel anger. for letting me know that i'm truly alive. for letting me bring myself back to center, and for letting me move on. and move on, i will. and we'll see how it goes. i'm really, really hoping to report back in one month's time that i'm not sitting in my house knitting sweaters for my cats.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
garage sale sunday or how to survive life on three bloody marys a day.
we wrapped up the annual garage sale today. needless to say, traffic wasn't quite what we expected today. friends mike and nay showed up with their stuff today, and little one was a GREAT salesperson helping mike sell his hot wheels collection and his grown daughter's my little pony cast offs. we just weren't very successful selling the rest of the household goods that we thought would be snapped up so quickly. we kept telling everyone to disregard the price tags and just negotiate with us, we were very flexible. and everyone (but me) was very lubricated. it was tradition. it was BLOODY MARY SUNDAY! and, being the non drinker in the bunch, i don't know how i got just as silly as the rest of them. but we had a good time. the jokes and laughs were flowing, all the lookie-loos were having a good time seeing that we were having a good time, they just weren't buying.
but i did get a few nibbles. what seemed to sell best was little one's outgrown books. we were going to donate them, but we thought we'd try to sell some first, and try to make any pocket change we could. we started out with three book boxes filled, and ended up with one book box barely half full. i was making deals left and right, because books are wonderful things, and shouldn't be neglected. i was charging rock bottom prices for books i had picked up while traveling the world. i just wanted to make sure they went to good homes. and to see that the children were happy when they got a new book? that was all the reward i really needed. and with one family, that's really all i got.
it was a rather large family, and they had a strategy. we've seen this strategy employed before, so we were on our toes. they bring a bunch of kids, get everyone pulling everything out of boxes, off shelves, unfold everything, have everyone running here and there, ask so many questions that you forget what they're getting. we had three families selling at this garage sale. we had three families setting prices. we had three different people to consult when they asked, "how much?" and we frustrated them MORE than they frustrated us, because we'd have to relay the question to the proper person, and we were moving around, watching them, making sure nothing wasn't where it wasn't supposed to be, and that every nickle was accounted for. it was rather humorous to watch these women try to work us, and not know we were working them right back. but it just about broke my heart when the two older girls got some toys and books, and the younger boy that was with them was completely ignored. we didn't have much, as far as boys toys, but i wasn't going to have his sisters get all the attention and have him not get ANYTHING. so, they're totaling up their purchases, and darned if they didn't try to short mike, tim and me (didn't see that one coming, did you?) we all got the correct amounts, finally and they were leaving. i grabbed two small books out of the book box and went up to the little boy and gave them to him. he gave me a quizzical look, and i just said, "these are for you, from me." he smiled and said thank you. he hugged them to his chest and skipped down the street to join his sisters. i was happy to let them go, knowing i had just made him happy.
i'll have to admit, that was one of the high points of the day. the other was meeting rodrigo, a very nice young man, maybe 10, who had just come from church. he was in his suit and tie, and was just looking around. our friend chrissy chatted with him for a moment and asked him what he wanted to do when he grew up. he said he wanted to be a lawyer. well, we were very impressed. he was a very composed, charismatic young man. and very, very polite. he said he was waiting for his mother, she was at another house looking at something. chrissy gave him a decorator plate to give her as a present. he said thank you, and that she would like that. we just smiled as he waved and walked away. we had met a few very nice young men that day. and it wasn't like we were giving away national treasures. we were giving away our castoffs. but these two young men felt honored. and we felt good about ourselves, because we were doing something for someone else. chrissy was doing something so rodrigo could give his mother a nice gift, and i was doing something so that a little boy wouldn't feel neglected by his family.
and on a day that is usually a bit of a downer, we just smiled at each other and realized that it is the little things like that that help us get by in this world. rodrigo's mother is going to cherish her gift, and think her son is a wonderful boy for thinking of her. and my little guy is going to feel a little more empowered because someone thought of him before his sisters. and he got the gift of books. and books are wonderful things.
but i did get a few nibbles. what seemed to sell best was little one's outgrown books. we were going to donate them, but we thought we'd try to sell some first, and try to make any pocket change we could. we started out with three book boxes filled, and ended up with one book box barely half full. i was making deals left and right, because books are wonderful things, and shouldn't be neglected. i was charging rock bottom prices for books i had picked up while traveling the world. i just wanted to make sure they went to good homes. and to see that the children were happy when they got a new book? that was all the reward i really needed. and with one family, that's really all i got.
it was a rather large family, and they had a strategy. we've seen this strategy employed before, so we were on our toes. they bring a bunch of kids, get everyone pulling everything out of boxes, off shelves, unfold everything, have everyone running here and there, ask so many questions that you forget what they're getting. we had three families selling at this garage sale. we had three families setting prices. we had three different people to consult when they asked, "how much?" and we frustrated them MORE than they frustrated us, because we'd have to relay the question to the proper person, and we were moving around, watching them, making sure nothing wasn't where it wasn't supposed to be, and that every nickle was accounted for. it was rather humorous to watch these women try to work us, and not know we were working them right back. but it just about broke my heart when the two older girls got some toys and books, and the younger boy that was with them was completely ignored. we didn't have much, as far as boys toys, but i wasn't going to have his sisters get all the attention and have him not get ANYTHING. so, they're totaling up their purchases, and darned if they didn't try to short mike, tim and me (didn't see that one coming, did you?) we all got the correct amounts, finally and they were leaving. i grabbed two small books out of the book box and went up to the little boy and gave them to him. he gave me a quizzical look, and i just said, "these are for you, from me." he smiled and said thank you. he hugged them to his chest and skipped down the street to join his sisters. i was happy to let them go, knowing i had just made him happy.
i'll have to admit, that was one of the high points of the day. the other was meeting rodrigo, a very nice young man, maybe 10, who had just come from church. he was in his suit and tie, and was just looking around. our friend chrissy chatted with him for a moment and asked him what he wanted to do when he grew up. he said he wanted to be a lawyer. well, we were very impressed. he was a very composed, charismatic young man. and very, very polite. he said he was waiting for his mother, she was at another house looking at something. chrissy gave him a decorator plate to give her as a present. he said thank you, and that she would like that. we just smiled as he waved and walked away. we had met a few very nice young men that day. and it wasn't like we were giving away national treasures. we were giving away our castoffs. but these two young men felt honored. and we felt good about ourselves, because we were doing something for someone else. chrissy was doing something so rodrigo could give his mother a nice gift, and i was doing something so that a little boy wouldn't feel neglected by his family.
and on a day that is usually a bit of a downer, we just smiled at each other and realized that it is the little things like that that help us get by in this world. rodrigo's mother is going to cherish her gift, and think her son is a wonderful boy for thinking of her. and my little guy is going to feel a little more empowered because someone thought of him before his sisters. and he got the gift of books. and books are wonderful things.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
food for thought
so i'm contemplating the meaning of life. more specifically, the meaning of MY life. there's been enough sadness, depression, self-loathing and general yuckiness for about 5 lifetimes, so this begs to question, why am i still here?
there HAS to be a reason. i've been a pretty open book about much of my life, that's for sure. i've been in treatment before, for bulimia. i decided right away not to be embarrassed or ashamed of that fact, to look at it as my 30th birthday present to me. i've still struggled on and off since then, but i try to keep my head in the right place. i figure by being honest, if i help one person, i've served my purpose in life. and who knows? maybe i've done that. i mean, i can spot a bulimic or anorexic a mile away. and in my line of work, it's pretty damned common. so now i am living in a body that i'm not comfortable with. i've been dealing with a severe injury that has curtailed my physical activity to the point that i've gained over 40 pounds, and that's before you consider i had 40 pounds to lose to be at my goal weight. so i'm 80 pounds over where i want to be. and i'm miserable in my own skin. not only that, but it's difficult to HEAR the comments as i go by. it's pretty difficult to miss being called a pig, even if it is in german.
so what do i do about it? i'm trying to get healthy, because i have a young daughter, and i want to give her a healthy self-image. i don't want her to ever doubt herself. i don't want her comparing herself to models in a magazine and thinking, "if i could only lose xx number of pounds, i'd look so good." i've basically been on one diet or another since i turned 18. and none of them have been successful in the long run. sure, i lost weight. but i also lost hair, my skin tone, my energy, killed my metabolism, my desire to even leave the house. i had such bad breath it was unbelievable. when i first got hired for my current job i was not only bulimic, but an exercise addict, to boot. i would use my lunch hour to either go to a park and walk laps around a man made pond, or i would race around a hanger for the whole hour, only drinking water. after i got off work at 5:00 or 5:30, i would race to the nearest branch of the health club i belonged to and work out for hours in aerobics classes, stretching classes, anything to sweat off the weight. i wasn't eating, i wasn't sleeping, all i was doing was concentrating on losing the weight. and did i ever lose the weight. i dropped 40 pounds like it was nothing. and got my "dream" job. the job that would help me keep my weight down because i had to. if i gained weight, i could possibly lose my job. so i fought like crazy to keep the weight off. but it didn't work. irregular hours, crazy schedules and little to no money coming in meant lousy nutrition, poor eating habits, no energy and having to let that health club membership go because it just cost too much. so i tried walking everywhere. well, in car crazy california i was a bit of an oddity. and i was treated as such. i got cat calls, followed by leering men, and half scared out of my wits by cars making sport out of "running down the pedestrian" because they could. so i started taking busses, and taxis. and i got very lazy. and then i ended up breaking up with the guy i was seeing and took solace in chocolate everything. and pretty soon, my uniforms weren't fitting all that well. and it only got worse, year after year.
so that brings me to the decision that i made, of which not too many are supportive. i've decided to have gastric surgery. i'm tired of fighting my weight. i know this isn't going to be an easy fix, it's an ultimate lifestyle change. i'm working on getting all the pre-requisite testing done in order to qualify for the surgery. i could go out of the country to have the surgery at any point, and we're seriously considering that, but i'd rather be able to do it right here at home.
it makes me pause, though. if, by being so open about my past, my treatment and my eating disorder, will this negate my purpose in life? is that the ONLY reason i'm here? i certainly haven't been able to figure out any other reason. hey, i'm trying to be positive about this. i don't see myself as anything or anyone special. i just tell it like it is, warts and all. but am i going to alter my life so drastically that i will no longer be able to help an one, if i helped anyone in the past? or will this give me a new outlook on life that will open my eyes to a new way of thinking? it's a dilemma for me. i really need to do this, for me, and me alone. i'm not comfortable as i am now. it's not for vanity, really. i seriously want to be healthy. so does the method negate everything i've stood for in the past? i really would like to hear from some of you on this. and please keep in mind that i've thought long and hard about this. this decision is about 10 years in the making. it hasn't been made lightly. it's not about fitting into a certain size, it isn't about looking hot at my high school reunion, i don't even go to them. it's about me setting a good example for my daughter, and living a healthy, normal life. it's about being able to walk a normal distance and not be in pain. it's about hopefully being able to run again someday. it's about breaking the obsession with food and the scale. it's about getting my mind, heart and body all in the same place. and learning to love all three of them, as they are. because right now they're fighting each other. and that's not a happy place to be in. so please, let's hear it. what do you think?
there HAS to be a reason. i've been a pretty open book about much of my life, that's for sure. i've been in treatment before, for bulimia. i decided right away not to be embarrassed or ashamed of that fact, to look at it as my 30th birthday present to me. i've still struggled on and off since then, but i try to keep my head in the right place. i figure by being honest, if i help one person, i've served my purpose in life. and who knows? maybe i've done that. i mean, i can spot a bulimic or anorexic a mile away. and in my line of work, it's pretty damned common. so now i am living in a body that i'm not comfortable with. i've been dealing with a severe injury that has curtailed my physical activity to the point that i've gained over 40 pounds, and that's before you consider i had 40 pounds to lose to be at my goal weight. so i'm 80 pounds over where i want to be. and i'm miserable in my own skin. not only that, but it's difficult to HEAR the comments as i go by. it's pretty difficult to miss being called a pig, even if it is in german.
so what do i do about it? i'm trying to get healthy, because i have a young daughter, and i want to give her a healthy self-image. i don't want her to ever doubt herself. i don't want her comparing herself to models in a magazine and thinking, "if i could only lose xx number of pounds, i'd look so good." i've basically been on one diet or another since i turned 18. and none of them have been successful in the long run. sure, i lost weight. but i also lost hair, my skin tone, my energy, killed my metabolism, my desire to even leave the house. i had such bad breath it was unbelievable. when i first got hired for my current job i was not only bulimic, but an exercise addict, to boot. i would use my lunch hour to either go to a park and walk laps around a man made pond, or i would race around a hanger for the whole hour, only drinking water. after i got off work at 5:00 or 5:30, i would race to the nearest branch of the health club i belonged to and work out for hours in aerobics classes, stretching classes, anything to sweat off the weight. i wasn't eating, i wasn't sleeping, all i was doing was concentrating on losing the weight. and did i ever lose the weight. i dropped 40 pounds like it was nothing. and got my "dream" job. the job that would help me keep my weight down because i had to. if i gained weight, i could possibly lose my job. so i fought like crazy to keep the weight off. but it didn't work. irregular hours, crazy schedules and little to no money coming in meant lousy nutrition, poor eating habits, no energy and having to let that health club membership go because it just cost too much. so i tried walking everywhere. well, in car crazy california i was a bit of an oddity. and i was treated as such. i got cat calls, followed by leering men, and half scared out of my wits by cars making sport out of "running down the pedestrian" because they could. so i started taking busses, and taxis. and i got very lazy. and then i ended up breaking up with the guy i was seeing and took solace in chocolate everything. and pretty soon, my uniforms weren't fitting all that well. and it only got worse, year after year.
so that brings me to the decision that i made, of which not too many are supportive. i've decided to have gastric surgery. i'm tired of fighting my weight. i know this isn't going to be an easy fix, it's an ultimate lifestyle change. i'm working on getting all the pre-requisite testing done in order to qualify for the surgery. i could go out of the country to have the surgery at any point, and we're seriously considering that, but i'd rather be able to do it right here at home.
it makes me pause, though. if, by being so open about my past, my treatment and my eating disorder, will this negate my purpose in life? is that the ONLY reason i'm here? i certainly haven't been able to figure out any other reason. hey, i'm trying to be positive about this. i don't see myself as anything or anyone special. i just tell it like it is, warts and all. but am i going to alter my life so drastically that i will no longer be able to help an one, if i helped anyone in the past? or will this give me a new outlook on life that will open my eyes to a new way of thinking? it's a dilemma for me. i really need to do this, for me, and me alone. i'm not comfortable as i am now. it's not for vanity, really. i seriously want to be healthy. so does the method negate everything i've stood for in the past? i really would like to hear from some of you on this. and please keep in mind that i've thought long and hard about this. this decision is about 10 years in the making. it hasn't been made lightly. it's not about fitting into a certain size, it isn't about looking hot at my high school reunion, i don't even go to them. it's about me setting a good example for my daughter, and living a healthy, normal life. it's about being able to walk a normal distance and not be in pain. it's about hopefully being able to run again someday. it's about breaking the obsession with food and the scale. it's about getting my mind, heart and body all in the same place. and learning to love all three of them, as they are. because right now they're fighting each other. and that's not a happy place to be in. so please, let's hear it. what do you think?
Thursday, October 18, 2012
dharma, karma or let it be?
to me, today is the first official day of fall. the first day the windows stayed open all day. the first day the air conditioner was off all day. that is a HUGE deal! ah, desert living at it's finest. we had the air conditioner running from april to october this year. we try to make it to may, but this year it was just too warm. one of these years i'm hoping we'll get a break and i won't have to have the air on until may. or maybe we'll get out of this place all together. hey, it could happen!
tonight, little one and i were walking the pups. it was so nice out, we were just walking, and chatting and admiring our neighbors halloween decorations. we're getting younger people moving into the neighborhood, since home prices are so low, and every one can basically afford to buy in our neighborhood. what was that saying about being the cheapest house in the nicest neighborhood? well, i don't think it's true any longer. but we're chatting, and she is asking me about my favorite parts of halloween. well, the costumes and the candy, of course! i grew up in a small town, and there was a great halloween party at the elementary school on halloween. we would all go out early and trick or treat, it was already dark by 5:00 by then. we'd take everything home, then head to the school for the party. there were games, music, a great cake walk, lots of fun things to do. everyone was there because, well, it was a really, really small town.
and i remember one year we were a little too old to go to the elementary school carnival for halloween. so mom and dad decided to let us have a party in the garage. now, the garage was more like a small barn on our property. there was room for two cars, a loft, a work room, and it could be spooky. dad never parked his cruiser in there, so we always had half the garage as kind of a club house that we fixed up. but for this halloween, both cars were parked on the street, and it was decorated to really scare. there awas a mummy, spider and cobwebs all over the place, lots of pumpkins (we grew them in the garden that year, and we had a bumper crop!) some black lights, creepy music thanks to my oldest sister's then boyfriend and a sound effects record. the doors were big sliding barn doors and they made creepy, squeaky noises when you opened them. we were all so excited to have this party. we were each allowed to invite 10 friends to join us. my oldest sister was away at college, so the garage would have 30 screaming kids running around in it. or so we thought. all of my second oldest sisters friends showed up, and my youngest sisters friends showed up. but not one of the friends that i invited showed up. and that really hurt. and when i was telling this story to little one tonight, it still hurt. i put a lot of effort into that party, helped clean, decorate, organize, make invitations and for what? for a bunch of my friends to think it was funny and prank the party by showing up later, surrounding the garage and all at the same time banging on the walls, pounding on the windows, rattling chains and slamming shut the sliding door. it scared everyone. everyone that is, except my sisters, who were in on the joke. they knew that no one was going to show up, and they knew that they were going to try to scare us while the party was going on. well, i wasn't scared, because i was too hurt to even care about what was going on.
and those kids? i saw them running down they alley, laughing as they thought they got away with it. 38 or so years later i could tell them that they didn't. i knew that they were there, i knew who the ring leader was, even though she tries to play nice now. it's sad, really. some people cannot remember the pain they inflict on others as jokes. they don't realize how sensitive some people are to the feelings of others. it's not being a baby, it's not being weak, it's being strong, in a very, very special way. you see, i SEE those kids, the ones that get picked on, the ones that get left behind, the ones that people laugh at. i SEE them. and i see greatness in them. i see gentleness. i see a courage that they don't even know they possess. because it's hard to face the fact that you just don't fit in. but you keep trying at whatever it is you're doing. you go back, day after day, and try again. and one day, you're going to have a breakthrough. you FIND YOURSELF. you find what you were meant to do in this world. and when you do, god bless you, EMBRACE IT. RUN WITH IT. AND DON'T LET ANYONE STOP YOU.
and on the way home, i found myself walking slower and slower, letting little one get ahead of me, so she wouldn't see the tears in my eyes. because i'm still scarred by the cruelty of their childish act. but out of those scars came an understanding that they will never have. do not hate. forgive them, because there will come a day when they are suffering in their lives, and you can be truly compassionate. don't ever mention your pain to them, that's letting them win. own it, it's yours, and yours alone. it makes you who you are. it gives you strength. it guides you to the good places, if you use it properly. it can open your heart up in the most incredible ways. pain like that can teach you so many lessons, not right away, maybe not for years or decades to come. but those lessons are there. you just need to let the tears come and cleanse away the pain you once felt. and forgiveness? it's easier than you think. if YOU own the pain, THEY have no power, you do. and you can forgive. but you should never forget, because if you do, you lose the lesson. and why would anyone want to do a thing like that?
in the words of the Buddha, "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." so love yourself, let go of hurt and pain, and don't let yourself get burned.
tonight, little one and i were walking the pups. it was so nice out, we were just walking, and chatting and admiring our neighbors halloween decorations. we're getting younger people moving into the neighborhood, since home prices are so low, and every one can basically afford to buy in our neighborhood. what was that saying about being the cheapest house in the nicest neighborhood? well, i don't think it's true any longer. but we're chatting, and she is asking me about my favorite parts of halloween. well, the costumes and the candy, of course! i grew up in a small town, and there was a great halloween party at the elementary school on halloween. we would all go out early and trick or treat, it was already dark by 5:00 by then. we'd take everything home, then head to the school for the party. there were games, music, a great cake walk, lots of fun things to do. everyone was there because, well, it was a really, really small town.
and i remember one year we were a little too old to go to the elementary school carnival for halloween. so mom and dad decided to let us have a party in the garage. now, the garage was more like a small barn on our property. there was room for two cars, a loft, a work room, and it could be spooky. dad never parked his cruiser in there, so we always had half the garage as kind of a club house that we fixed up. but for this halloween, both cars were parked on the street, and it was decorated to really scare. there awas a mummy, spider and cobwebs all over the place, lots of pumpkins (we grew them in the garden that year, and we had a bumper crop!) some black lights, creepy music thanks to my oldest sister's then boyfriend and a sound effects record. the doors were big sliding barn doors and they made creepy, squeaky noises when you opened them. we were all so excited to have this party. we were each allowed to invite 10 friends to join us. my oldest sister was away at college, so the garage would have 30 screaming kids running around in it. or so we thought. all of my second oldest sisters friends showed up, and my youngest sisters friends showed up. but not one of the friends that i invited showed up. and that really hurt. and when i was telling this story to little one tonight, it still hurt. i put a lot of effort into that party, helped clean, decorate, organize, make invitations and for what? for a bunch of my friends to think it was funny and prank the party by showing up later, surrounding the garage and all at the same time banging on the walls, pounding on the windows, rattling chains and slamming shut the sliding door. it scared everyone. everyone that is, except my sisters, who were in on the joke. they knew that no one was going to show up, and they knew that they were going to try to scare us while the party was going on. well, i wasn't scared, because i was too hurt to even care about what was going on.
and those kids? i saw them running down they alley, laughing as they thought they got away with it. 38 or so years later i could tell them that they didn't. i knew that they were there, i knew who the ring leader was, even though she tries to play nice now. it's sad, really. some people cannot remember the pain they inflict on others as jokes. they don't realize how sensitive some people are to the feelings of others. it's not being a baby, it's not being weak, it's being strong, in a very, very special way. you see, i SEE those kids, the ones that get picked on, the ones that get left behind, the ones that people laugh at. i SEE them. and i see greatness in them. i see gentleness. i see a courage that they don't even know they possess. because it's hard to face the fact that you just don't fit in. but you keep trying at whatever it is you're doing. you go back, day after day, and try again. and one day, you're going to have a breakthrough. you FIND YOURSELF. you find what you were meant to do in this world. and when you do, god bless you, EMBRACE IT. RUN WITH IT. AND DON'T LET ANYONE STOP YOU.
and on the way home, i found myself walking slower and slower, letting little one get ahead of me, so she wouldn't see the tears in my eyes. because i'm still scarred by the cruelty of their childish act. but out of those scars came an understanding that they will never have. do not hate. forgive them, because there will come a day when they are suffering in their lives, and you can be truly compassionate. don't ever mention your pain to them, that's letting them win. own it, it's yours, and yours alone. it makes you who you are. it gives you strength. it guides you to the good places, if you use it properly. it can open your heart up in the most incredible ways. pain like that can teach you so many lessons, not right away, maybe not for years or decades to come. but those lessons are there. you just need to let the tears come and cleanse away the pain you once felt. and forgiveness? it's easier than you think. if YOU own the pain, THEY have no power, you do. and you can forgive. but you should never forget, because if you do, you lose the lesson. and why would anyone want to do a thing like that?
in the words of the Buddha, "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." so love yourself, let go of hurt and pain, and don't let yourself get burned.
Spam-not just hawaii's favorite canned luncheon meat
good morning, world! it's a beautiful day in the desert. i was fortunate enough to see little one off to school today, meaning i didn't over sleep as badly as yesterday. a very good thing. we're off to a somewhat good start.'
it would be a happier start, except for one thing. i was checking the traffic on my happy little blog here, and it seems i'm being spammed by a russian porn site. well, your URL has been reported, and hopefully soon, i will no longer see your asses (literally) on my blog ever again. please leave, don't leave your site addy here. this blog is for something good, something pure that i'm trying to work on, for myself, and my family. and i REALLY don't appreciate your contaminating it with the disgusting images you linked to my blog. this is about making life better for myself and my family, your site is about degrading women. i ask that you remove your URL, and not visit my blogs again. it would be greatly appreciated.
it would be a happier start, except for one thing. i was checking the traffic on my happy little blog here, and it seems i'm being spammed by a russian porn site. well, your URL has been reported, and hopefully soon, i will no longer see your asses (literally) on my blog ever again. please leave, don't leave your site addy here. this blog is for something good, something pure that i'm trying to work on, for myself, and my family. and i REALLY don't appreciate your contaminating it with the disgusting images you linked to my blog. this is about making life better for myself and my family, your site is about degrading women. i ask that you remove your URL, and not visit my blogs again. it would be greatly appreciated.
a stitch in time saves my sanity? or how am i going to learn to conquer my fear of simplicity?
it's not normal to sleep in so late, or is it? i have no idea what normal is these days. my schedule hasn't exactly been dictated by much, other than medical appointments, as of late. i couldn't sleep last night, so i decided to watch a movie on netflix to hopefully lull me to sleep. it worked, because i woke up this AFTERNOON with my ear buds still in my ears. i think i fell asleep around 4 or 5 am, so it's back to the same old insomnia/falling asleep challenge that i've had for years. if we could only figure out why i have such a problem with falling asleep. i sometimes wish i could just take my brain out of my skull, set it on a shelf safely for the evening, and go to sleep. i NEVER STOP THINKING. and i don't know why that is. i always have some idea pop into my head at the most inopportune time. i used to keep notebooks by the bed, so i could jot these ideas down, but i found that just encouraged me to stay up and write more.
but now, in the mornings, i have no idea what those flashes of brilliance were. so i guess i'm damned if i do, damned if i don't. i'm just a tired wife/mother/fellow traveller that needs a little rest. is that so much to ask for? i mean, i basically have what i need to get by in life. i have some money. i won't deny, more would be nice. i have a small condo home. my ideal is a small house, in a smaller or smallish city, preferably on the edge of the city, so i can keep some animals. but i have a home. and it's pretty secure. i can cook like a mad woman, so my family definitely is well fed. i have loving pets (my grey mama cat, blanche is curled up at the foot of the bed as i'm writing this) so my need for unconditional love is met, and returned in full. i have a job waiting for me, when i'm healthy enough to return to work. i have enough "stuff" to fill this house and probably another. that's what happens when you get married later in life and you both have a home and you attempt to consolidate them. and that's the crux of the matter.
stuff. too much stuff. we're purging. we're getting ready for the annual community garage sale, complete with traditional "bloody mary sunday" to go along with it. by sunday, we just don't care any longer. we're tired of people wanting a $500 stroller for $5. our nerves are fried, we're tired of people yelling at us, yes, yelling at us. at our own sale. really, we don't have to sell you a thing. you can leave. but we're trying to be helpful. i understand how hard everyone has been hit be the downturn in the economy. my family has struggled just like, if not more than, everyone else. and yes, we're getting rid of not just unwanted things, but UNNEEDED things. stuff that we just no longer desire. we fall into that classic american cycle of wanting, desiring what the next guy has. but i'm so over that. simplification is my new buzz word. oh, how i love things to be simple. i can live with simple until the cows come home. it's a superb word. simple. straight to the point. not a fussy existence. just a nice, simple kind of life. one where there's no envy of what the neighbor has. one that you embrace what you've got, and make the best of it. i mean, i can't bear to throw out two pairs of socks because they've got holes in them. i'm looking like crazy for a darning form, so i can fix my own socks. i need to learn how to knit and crochet, and SEW! why am i afraid of my sewing machine? if i can tackle just about any recipe in "mastering the art of french cooking" why am i so scared of that sewing machine? it's been sitting there, taking up space in my closet for two years. i NEED to learn to sew. i need new curtains in the living room, is what i need. and i don't want to pay an arm and a leg for them, so i need to learn how to sew. that's my motivation. but there it sits, taunting me, every time i open the closet door.
so....ENOUGH! i just had a birthday. i'm turning over a new leaf. i've started to bury the hatchet with a few people i've had differences with, online. i can do this damn thing. i can make a set of curtains for the living room. i can master this sewing machine, right? boy, do i sound like i'm talking myself into this or what? so that's another goal. if i don't learn to use the machine, it's going to have to go. so time to put up or shut up, as it were. i've never backed down from a challenge before. this one, i've never even cracked the seal on. well, it's time to jump in. let's just hope i don't turn into one of those women with a closet filled with fabric, patterns and notions. first of all, we lack the closet space. and secondly, i just scared myself because i know what "notions" are. wish me luck. i fear i'm going to need it.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
according to god...or whomever is in charge?
Feel
God's light shining within you and take a step to inspire someone else
to shine. As you share this vision today with just one soul, that
reaches ten lives that touch a thousand.
i get these little messages sent to me on facebook. someone feels i need God's advice. and truthfully, i'm still trying to figure out the whole God thing. i've struggled with it for almost 40 years now. ever since the death of a friend's father. you see, he was a minister. a very, very good man. and i felt safe at their house, when i didn't or couldn't feel safe at my own home. it's a blessing and a curse growing up in a very small town. everyone knows your business and family troubles, but there is always someone there to lend a hand. and my saving grace was the Lutheran minister and his family. his daughter was one of my best friends in school. they lived about a block and a half away from me, and i could easily run the distance, if things got a little out of hand at home. and i often did. or i would run until the street dead ended, at the cemetery. i'm not one of those people creeped out by cemeteries, i find them beautiful and peaceful. when i lived in london, i would often go on walks and find a cemetery and just wander through it, looking at the dates on the grave stones, imagining what life was like in the city at that time.
well, their home was a happy home. it was filled with laughter, music, love, art, literature - all the things missing from my home. there wasn't a lot of laughter. there was some, but not a lot. music? what my father would allow, and only what he would allow. my eldest sister eventually got a stereo and started buying her own music and that is the music i love to this day. joni mitchell, carol king, linda ronstadt, the eagles, the beatles. i'm very influenced by those early experiences. art? there was none. literature? i went to the library as much as possible. i would just sit down in the stacks and start reading. i was reading at college level when i was still in elementary school. my parents didn't understand it. it was because the library was another safe place. i would just pull books off the shelves and read. it didn't matter what it was, i would read everything. and when i got home, what did we have in the house? not literature but the encyclopedia brittanica. and i read it. as much as possible. i would grab a volume and just read. it was an escape for me. i could hide in a book. i could fly off to some foreign land, explore a different time, become a different person. books are magical, one of the best things EVER invented. and love. i know my parents loved me. they just weren't very demonstrative. which brings me to my point today.
i have two very good friends that are celebrating birthdays today. two AMAZING women, that both have had their personal battles, and have come through them successfully. and i've been blessed to have them in my life. one has been a friend for almost 15 years. every day i consider a gift. she has brought so much into my life. she's a calming influence. she's grounding me when i'm upset, reminding me that there is only so much that i can control, and i have to just let the rest of it fall away. what a blessing Laura is.
then there is a new friend. we've known each other for about 7 years, but we've just started to become friends in the past few months. she's very artistic, a free spirit. she celebrates her life through her art, photography and her family. it hasn't always been easy for her, but she's fought through quite a bit and has carved out a space for herself and her children, and a very good relationship with someone she truly cares for. Lani reminds me of the caterpillar that became a beautiful butterfly.
so it's to honor them that i'm striving to be a better person. i'm trying to put past grievances aside. to celebrate what i can in each day. to find something beautiful in everyone. because it's there. you may have to look a little deeper than you think you'd like to, but give it a try. it's there. you never know what you're going to learn from whom. i'm hoping that they will find this an acceptable effort, (i can't quite call it a gift, can i?) for their birthdays. i'm very fortunate to have these women in my life. i had almost cut myself off from the outside world, but i just couldn't do that. there's a need in each one of us for communication, understanding and companionship. and in different ways, i get that from these two. so ladies, happy birthday. i love you both. i wish only the best of all wishes for you. you both are my heart, in more ways than you know.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
from facebook, a post from september. worthy of reposting, in my opinion.
i'm already in tears this morning. i am crying because i have realized what i TRULY want for this year. i want our differences to be set aside. i want the world to understand that it is our differences that MAKE us stronger. that CELEBRATE humanity, in all forms. it hurts when i think of children starving in africa because of famine and war, but it hurts even more when
i think of children starving in this, the wealthiest nation on earth,
because of bigoted hate and small minded fear. because someone has a
different skin color, lives in a different neighborhood or zip code, is a
different religion, has had tragedy visited on them that you couldn't
imagine, is that any reason for them to starve, to go without? in the
past 2 1/2 years, especially the 15 months, my family has struggled. we
have come close to the brink. i have been nearly hopeless many times,
but we some how, some way, kept hanging on to that one slim thread of
hope that was left. there are so many that don't have that. and we
ignore them. it's a tough world when you get to that point, when
there's no hope, when you have no where to go. pride has taught us NOT
to reach out. we're taught that lesson from childhood. maybe we should
start teaching our children it's okay to accept help. it's okay to be
gracious and admit we can't do it all. i know i wouldn't admit i
couldn't do it all. and we had some pretty tough times. they're not
over yet. they won't be for a long time, but i've gotten back in touch
with part of me that reminds me that it's okay to say, "i can't do this
alone and i need help." and THAT is a HUGE step in becoming part of the
compassionate human race.
the word of the day...everyday...and pleaes remember it.
today i'm grateful that i still have a soul that embraces the good in people. i know there are people that i have had to give up on, and i'm sure there are people that have written me off, in fact, I KNOW there are. but i try my best to harbor no bad feelings. i'm a work in progress, and i always will be. that's the beauty of life. if you've lived a full life, you've ne
ver stopped learning or changing. so for today, i'm grateful for
deernis
dhembshuri,شفقة ,
կարեկցություն,
şəfqət,
errukia,
спачуванне,
সমবেদনা,
съчувствие,
compassió.
同情,
同情,
samilost,
soucit,
medfølelse,
mededogen,
kompato,
kaastunne,
pakikiramay,
myötätunto,
compassion,
compaixón,
თანაგრძნობა,
Mitgefühl,
συμπόνια,
કરુણા,
konpasyon,
,חמל
दया,
szánalom,
miskunn,
keharuan,
trócaireach,
compassione,
思いやり,
ಕನಿಕರ,
측은히 여김,
ເຂັມ,
compassione,
līdzjūtība,
užuojauta,
сочувство,
belas kasihan,
kompassjoni,
medfølelse,
شفقت,
współczucie,
compaixão,
compasiune,
сострадание,
саосећање,
súcit,
sočutje,
compasión,
huruma,
medkänsla,
இரக்கம்,
జాలి,
ความเห็นอกเห็นใจ,
merhamet,
співчуття,
ہمدردی,
lòng từ bi,
tosturi,
ראַכמאָנעס
it doesn't matter what language you speak, what country you are from, what your political background is, the word is the same in all these languages. we've just forgotten what the concept is. and i think it needs to be reinforced in each and every one of us, on your own terms. in any manner you choose. but we need to get back in touch with that part of our souls that is compassion.
deernis
dhembshuri,شفقة ,
կարեկցություն,
şəfqət,
errukia,
спачуванне,
সমবেদনা,
съчувствие,
compassió.
同情,
同情,
samilost,
soucit,
medfølelse,
mededogen,
kompato,
kaastunne,
pakikiramay,
myötätunto,
compassion,
compaixón,
თანაგრძნობა,
Mitgefühl,
συμπόνια,
કરુણા,
konpasyon,
,חמל
दया,
szánalom,
miskunn,
keharuan,
trócaireach,
compassione,
思いやり,
ಕನಿಕರ,
측은히 여김,
ເຂັມ,
compassione,
līdzjūtība,
užuojauta,
сочувство,
belas kasihan,
kompassjoni,
medfølelse,
شفقت,
współczucie,
compaixão,
compasiune,
сострадание,
саосећање,
súcit,
sočutje,
compasión,
huruma,
medkänsla,
இரக்கம்,
జాలి,
ความเห็นอกเห็นใจ,
merhamet,
співчуття,
ہمدردی,
lòng từ bi,
tosturi,
ראַכמאָנעס
it doesn't matter what language you speak, what country you are from, what your political background is, the word is the same in all these languages. we've just forgotten what the concept is. and i think it needs to be reinforced in each and every one of us, on your own terms. in any manner you choose. but we need to get back in touch with that part of our souls that is compassion.
pedialyte and bedrest. my ideal weekend?
i've been sick the last two days. it's forced me to take things much slower, much, much slower. and i had to get a new computer. so, this is my first post on my new macbook pro. as much as i love my macs, i HATE going to the apple store. it's so loud, it's so crazy, it's so crowded. it makes me appreciate quiet, when i get home.
and i've been thinking about quiet and home a lot lately. it's not that i really mind the desert, it's truly a beautiful place to live. it's just the urban sprawl that i cannot stand any longer. i need S P A C E. i never thought i would want to revisit my childhood again, but i do. i want a yard for my daughter, i want space for animals. i want to raise chickens and goats. i want to plant crops, so my family can be self sufficient. these are the things that bring me happiness. i'm not afraid of hard work. in fact, the more focused i am on hard work, the happier i am. it's this urban existence, that seems to be kind of floating day to day, that has be in a quandry. i seem to go through my days with no focus, and no purpose. just go to work, put in your hours, come home, make dinner, make sure my child is happy, bathed, ready for bed. get up again the next day and do it again. there isn't a real purpose to it all. and it seemed like my parents and my grandparents had so much purpose in their lives, with having chores, maintaining a home, harvesting their food, making their clothes, all those things that we've gotten away from. i have a sewing machine. i'm scared to death of the thing. time to change that! i'm trying to grow things on my patio, but that's not enough space. terra cotta pots just don't compare to plots in the ground and plowing, sowing, harvesting, putting the beds to rest, turning them in the spring, all those things i saw my family do when i was a child. all those things i used to help do. was it all those years ago?
so, the search is on. i want to leave this desert space. i want to find my green pasture, where i can find a little house, it doesn't have to be that grand. just big enough for us. we can learn to be efficient and spartan. it would be refreshing. and we can learn to go without. i get so tired of hearing, "i want i want i want i want." ugh. people want so much. do they take the time to SEE what they really have? what they REALLY AND TRULY HAVE? and how wonderful those things are? we're blessed with so many gifts, but we take them for granted. and i want to get back to that core existence. that "simple life" as so many people call it. because i truly believe it is a better way of life. so, if i have to give up life in a city, so be it. i'll find my nirvana not far from one. but it will be a much smaller urban center. 2 million is too, too big. all i require is an airport to get to work, and a little bit of land. i'm not sure if i want to live in town or on the edge of town. there are advantages to both. but i want to recharge my soul. and this place is draining that. i've been here too long. so it's time to start thinking about change. a change of seasons, a change of local. a change of heart. a change of spirit. now, if we could just bring the real estate market around, life would be just grand. hey, i can dream, can't it?
Thursday, October 11, 2012
the beauty of rain. or avoiding flash floods is easy when you live on a mountain, everything flows downhill. a metaphor for life?
a rare rainy day in the desert. i LOVE
those kinds of days. tomorrow is promising more of the same. ah, dare i
say it? BLISS! i actually got out of the house today and got to
appreciate the rain. it was wonderful. you don't realize how glorious
something can be until you haven't experienced it for a long time. the
only problem was that my sock and boot got a little
soggy. and that wasn't any fun.
i'm trying to stay optimistic. we went shopping today, mostly because i don't have any clothes that fit. i still had to buy a size that i'm not comfortable with. i size i REALLY don't like having to wear. but that's going to change.. when i get cleared to be in water, we're going to get a pass to the pool for the year. i'll be able to swim, and that is probably some of the best therapy i can do for my neck and shoulder, since i haven't had any in so long. we just have to wait for my foot/ankle to be in good enough shape. patience, grasshopper, patience.
and i'm slowly learning that. i guess that's the point. slowly learn something, so you have no choice but to be patient. one of those quirky little games the universe likes to play on us, i think. well, it's not like we couldn't all use a little bit of a slow down in our lives. we tend to rush through and not take notice of things that happen each day, and how miraculous they can be. we take them for granted. well, tomorrow morning, no matter what the weather, take a moment and look up at the sky. REALLY, REALLY look at the sky. BREATHE IT IN! and realize how small we all are. ALL OF US. even the most important person in the world, or whomever you think is the most important person in the world, think of how small that person is. and appreciate how truly magnificent it is to realize that as such a small being you can affect such a huge change, if you choose to. then go out and make that change happen. smile at someone. laugh. say thank you. smile some more. think good thoughts. and see how contagious it can be. and then go outside and look up at the sky again and say thank you. thank you for making you, such a small being so powerful. powerful enough to make someone else have a better day, just by smiling and laughing and saying thank you. BREATHE IT IN!
i'm trying to stay optimistic. we went shopping today, mostly because i don't have any clothes that fit. i still had to buy a size that i'm not comfortable with. i size i REALLY don't like having to wear. but that's going to change.. when i get cleared to be in water, we're going to get a pass to the pool for the year. i'll be able to swim, and that is probably some of the best therapy i can do for my neck and shoulder, since i haven't had any in so long. we just have to wait for my foot/ankle to be in good enough shape. patience, grasshopper, patience.
and i'm slowly learning that. i guess that's the point. slowly learn something, so you have no choice but to be patient. one of those quirky little games the universe likes to play on us, i think. well, it's not like we couldn't all use a little bit of a slow down in our lives. we tend to rush through and not take notice of things that happen each day, and how miraculous they can be. we take them for granted. well, tomorrow morning, no matter what the weather, take a moment and look up at the sky. REALLY, REALLY look at the sky. BREATHE IT IN! and realize how small we all are. ALL OF US. even the most important person in the world, or whomever you think is the most important person in the world, think of how small that person is. and appreciate how truly magnificent it is to realize that as such a small being you can affect such a huge change, if you choose to. then go out and make that change happen. smile at someone. laugh. say thank you. smile some more. think good thoughts. and see how contagious it can be. and then go outside and look up at the sky again and say thank you. thank you for making you, such a small being so powerful. powerful enough to make someone else have a better day, just by smiling and laughing and saying thank you. BREATHE IT IN!
the late, great lady bug
THE LATE, GREAT LADY BUG, who inspired much more than just this blog entry. she inspired so many people with her spirit, up to the very end. she wasn't even my dog, and i still cry for this little bundle of joy. bugaboo, we'll always love you.today i celebrate the kindness and knowledge of animals. specifically, our pets. our four legged (mostly) furry friends. the ones that come into our lives, steal our hearts and then manage to break them when they leave. i never think i'm going to be able to put the pieces back together again when i lose a pet. after having lost gigi, zola, lucy, bodhi and giacomo all i
n
the last 5 years, i thought i would never be able to let another animal
into my house or heart again. they ruin the carpet, they smell funny
and they wreck your heart. well, carpets can (and are to) be replaced,
even cats can have a bath, bandaids are cheap, and hearts heal. it
takes a lot of time, but hearts heal. and with every pet, they've taken
a piece of my heart with them when they've left. but every new pet has
put a new piece there in its place. it's never the same heart, but
then it was never meant to be in the first place. it's a cold, cruel
person that can go through life unaffected by the love of an animal. i
know there are people that just aren't into pets, that's something
totally different. but a person that just can't seem to let one animal
into their heart? that's a rare individual. and i'm not sure i want to
ever meet that person. we've all met those that are jaded, because
they loved a pet and lost them, and never quite got over that loss. i
feel for them, honestly. it's because they let their hearts go cold,
instead of grieving and then celebrating that family member. because
that's what they are, they're family members. tonight i had a chance to
call a friend and express my sympathies on the loss of her beloved dog.
we cried, oh, we cried. but we laughed longer and louder than we
cried. we laughed about my cat bodhi. how another friend was convinced
i had "stolen" him and someone was really looking for him. and then
she saw him. and once she saw him, she got it. NO ONE was looking for
that cat. HE WAS A MESS! but he had a heart of gold. and he grew into
a beautiful old statesman, a credit to his siamese breeding. he was
cranky some days, but most days he was just the most loving, gentle,
soft cat there ever was. all because someone showed him that they
cared. i could have left him on the side of the road, just like
everyone else had, but i didn't. i brought him home with me, from
california. nursed him through mange, ear mites, malnutrition,
dehydration, you name it. and he gave me, and everyone who came into my
home love. pure, genuine LOVE. he loved like no one ever could. and i
thought i would die when he crossed the rainbow bridge. but not long
before that happened, blanche came into our lives, and not long after,
giacomo. and then stella. and now sadie and sofie. we don't know how
long they'll be with us, they're pretty senior gals themselves. but we
love them, and they are glad to be with us. they found us when we were
hurting, and we found them when they were hurting. it was meant to be.
we healed each other. we pieced each other back together, and that's
what happens. a pet comes into your life and gives you a piece of their
heart. when they leave, they take a piece of yours. it's never the
same heart. so, here's to LADY BUG. my heart will never be the same
again. and i feel so blessed to have known you, you little bundle of
kinetic energy. i'm grateful that you and your family are in my life.
you're missed. now, go bug giacomo, like he always bugged you. and
here's hoping my heart will never be pet free.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
changes in the air
fall is in the air. i really enjoy this time
of year. i'm hoping i can be productive and get all the projects i
have planned finished. i have a stack of reading to do, and i have some
new dvd's to watch. but that's just "stuff." just icing on the cake.
the real joy is that fall isn't a time of slowing down for me. it's a
time of harvest, yes. slowing down? no.
let's see, how do i explain this? i'm harvesting new things this year. my garden? not so grand. aphids destroyed it, but i'm hoping i can get something going before it gets too cold. but that's not it. harvesting within myself. i'm trying to reap some good things. i'm trying to be a bit more outgoing. it's paying off, i'm making some new friends. some are turning out to be very good new friends. they know who they are, and i'm SO GLAD they are in my life! who knew our paths would cross and then cross again? some cosmic organizer saw to it, that's for sure. and i'm HAPPIER. yes, HAPPIER. my house is still a mess, my life is just as crazy as ever, but i'm more at ease with it. i don't know why or how it's happening, but something is going on, and it's good. no, it's WONDERFUL. i still have the same messy dealings that everyone else has, but i'm just finding a way to let it all go. i'm calmer than i've been in a long time, that's for sure. and it's a good thing. whatever is bringing this change about, THANK YOU! i've needed it for quite some time. now, don't get me wrong, life isn't perfect (i've addressed that before, who would want that? YAWN!) but it isn't that bad right now. i need to just revel in the moment because i know just when i REALLY NEED IT TO BE CALM, chaos will be back. it's all a balancing act.
so, welcome fall. thank you for the change in temperatures and temperaments. thanks for "chilling me out" some. now, how do i get my husband motivated to get these projects started? if anyone has the answer to that one, i'm listening.
let's see, how do i explain this? i'm harvesting new things this year. my garden? not so grand. aphids destroyed it, but i'm hoping i can get something going before it gets too cold. but that's not it. harvesting within myself. i'm trying to reap some good things. i'm trying to be a bit more outgoing. it's paying off, i'm making some new friends. some are turning out to be very good new friends. they know who they are, and i'm SO GLAD they are in my life! who knew our paths would cross and then cross again? some cosmic organizer saw to it, that's for sure. and i'm HAPPIER. yes, HAPPIER. my house is still a mess, my life is just as crazy as ever, but i'm more at ease with it. i don't know why or how it's happening, but something is going on, and it's good. no, it's WONDERFUL. i still have the same messy dealings that everyone else has, but i'm just finding a way to let it all go. i'm calmer than i've been in a long time, that's for sure. and it's a good thing. whatever is bringing this change about, THANK YOU! i've needed it for quite some time. now, don't get me wrong, life isn't perfect (i've addressed that before, who would want that? YAWN!) but it isn't that bad right now. i need to just revel in the moment because i know just when i REALLY NEED IT TO BE CALM, chaos will be back. it's all a balancing act.
so, welcome fall. thank you for the change in temperatures and temperaments. thanks for "chilling me out" some. now, how do i get my husband motivated to get these projects started? if anyone has the answer to that one, i'm listening.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
and so it begins...bear with me, it's a work in progress!
this all started out as just a way to make myself feel a little better. i've been going through a lot lately, and writing down what i'm grateful for sounded like a good way to explore my feelings. but it's taken a turn into something a bit more. so my husband suggested i make a blog out of it, and a few friends agreed. so here it is. my first entry in "the gratitude experiment." i'll try to migrate some of my facebook postings over to this blog as time goes on, but for now, it is what it is.
that said, the presidential debates were tonight. i intentionally did not watch. first of all, i've decided for whom i am voting. second, my television was taken over by my 7 year old, who was watching "Rio" for about the twentieth time. but it did give me time to do some thinking. and today my gratitude was all about being able to stand on my own two feet, literally and metaphorically.
i have just had ankle surgery. yesterday the surgery wraps, splint and stitches were all removed. YAY! and i got "DAS BOOT." you know, the bionic looking, high tech hard walking boot they give you when you have a foot or ankle injury. well, it's DAS BOOT (all caps, all times) in our house. you must say it with emphasis. so i can stand by myself, on my own two feet again. and you have no idea how good that feels. it was three weeks in bed, with my foot propped up on pillows or walking with crutches, at which i'm very clumsy. we got a knee walker, and i will be using that while doing things like shopping, but-to be able to stand, with BOTH feet on the ground? oh, that felt so good. i can do things i couldn't do earlier this week. water my little balcony garden, go get a glass of water, without having to stumble over various household pets/items, walk down the stairs out of my house! oh, that felt good. going outside, wow. it's AMAZING how we take that for granted. i won't again, let me tell you! i still can't drive, but i can at least get to the car, get in the car, get out of the car on my own now. and that feels so good. and to be able to get in the shower by myself, without at garbage bag taped to my let, covering all that surgical wrapping? that is going to be unreal. truly, it is the simple things that matter in this life.
and THAT got me thinking. the simple things matter in this life. SIMPLE. i've been trying to simplify my life in the last year or so, without much success. probably because we live in a large city, and with that comes all those big city complications and concerns. and i do not want them any longer. you see, i've been struggling with this ankle/body issue for some time now. and it seems that it just keeps getting more and more complicated. luckily, we have pretty good insurance, and we're able to take care of what needs to be taken care of. unfortunately, it was a work injury, and my employer has chosen NOT to take care of their responsibilities for the last year and a half. why is it that we, as a society, have no problem with corporations being classified as, "people?" i mean, really? some bean counter, in some human resources department makes a decision, and most likely that decision is, "NO." and we're just supposed to be okay with it? when did doing the right thing become so undesirable? so unfashionable? so......WRONG? we wonder why a large portion of this country is marginalized, well folks, there you go. someone followed the corporate handbook and said, "NO," when they could have very well said, "YES!" when they could have taken care of someone instead of putting them out of a job. by helping instead of turning their backs. by actually lending a hand, helping instead of, "you're on your own." we have one candidate that boasted of the "47%" of the country that feels "entitled" to live off the government. SERIOUSLY? let me illuminate this a bit. my family has struggled for the past year and a half. we've somehow kept our heads above water. with help from family, yes. but largely by going without. and i'm supposed to feel guilty about wanting what i've paid into? let me repeat that. I'M SUPPOSED TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT WANTING WHAT I'VE PAID INTO? if you've ever had to live on disability of any kind, social security, public assistance, WIC, food stamps, whatever, there should be no stigma. there should be no shame. because if you've worked hard, and you've paid your taxes, YOU'VE PAID INTO THAT SYSTEM. but i'm supposed to feel guilty about needing those monies now that i can't work. that's, pardon me, fucked up. i'm a hard worker. i do my job, i TAKE PRIDE in my job. but right now, i can't work. and it's through no fault of my own. but i'm supposed to feel guilty, to feel ashamed that i need help? we, as a society, have lost our compassion. we've lost our dignity. we've lost our ability to DO THE RIGHT THING. and we need to get that back. so i'm all about getting back to standing on my own two feet. i'll get there, eventually. but until i do, we continue to struggle, day to day, because i'm supposed to just hide and not participate in a society that has marginalized me. i'm a fighter. i won't take this sitting down. i'll be back on my own two feet soon enough, and i'll do something about it.
that said, the presidential debates were tonight. i intentionally did not watch. first of all, i've decided for whom i am voting. second, my television was taken over by my 7 year old, who was watching "Rio" for about the twentieth time. but it did give me time to do some thinking. and today my gratitude was all about being able to stand on my own two feet, literally and metaphorically.
i have just had ankle surgery. yesterday the surgery wraps, splint and stitches were all removed. YAY! and i got "DAS BOOT." you know, the bionic looking, high tech hard walking boot they give you when you have a foot or ankle injury. well, it's DAS BOOT (all caps, all times) in our house. you must say it with emphasis. so i can stand by myself, on my own two feet again. and you have no idea how good that feels. it was three weeks in bed, with my foot propped up on pillows or walking with crutches, at which i'm very clumsy. we got a knee walker, and i will be using that while doing things like shopping, but-to be able to stand, with BOTH feet on the ground? oh, that felt so good. i can do things i couldn't do earlier this week. water my little balcony garden, go get a glass of water, without having to stumble over various household pets/items, walk down the stairs out of my house! oh, that felt good. going outside, wow. it's AMAZING how we take that for granted. i won't again, let me tell you! i still can't drive, but i can at least get to the car, get in the car, get out of the car on my own now. and that feels so good. and to be able to get in the shower by myself, without at garbage bag taped to my let, covering all that surgical wrapping? that is going to be unreal. truly, it is the simple things that matter in this life.
and THAT got me thinking. the simple things matter in this life. SIMPLE. i've been trying to simplify my life in the last year or so, without much success. probably because we live in a large city, and with that comes all those big city complications and concerns. and i do not want them any longer. you see, i've been struggling with this ankle/body issue for some time now. and it seems that it just keeps getting more and more complicated. luckily, we have pretty good insurance, and we're able to take care of what needs to be taken care of. unfortunately, it was a work injury, and my employer has chosen NOT to take care of their responsibilities for the last year and a half. why is it that we, as a society, have no problem with corporations being classified as, "people?" i mean, really? some bean counter, in some human resources department makes a decision, and most likely that decision is, "NO." and we're just supposed to be okay with it? when did doing the right thing become so undesirable? so unfashionable? so......WRONG? we wonder why a large portion of this country is marginalized, well folks, there you go. someone followed the corporate handbook and said, "NO," when they could have very well said, "YES!" when they could have taken care of someone instead of putting them out of a job. by helping instead of turning their backs. by actually lending a hand, helping instead of, "you're on your own." we have one candidate that boasted of the "47%" of the country that feels "entitled" to live off the government. SERIOUSLY? let me illuminate this a bit. my family has struggled for the past year and a half. we've somehow kept our heads above water. with help from family, yes. but largely by going without. and i'm supposed to feel guilty about wanting what i've paid into? let me repeat that. I'M SUPPOSED TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT WANTING WHAT I'VE PAID INTO? if you've ever had to live on disability of any kind, social security, public assistance, WIC, food stamps, whatever, there should be no stigma. there should be no shame. because if you've worked hard, and you've paid your taxes, YOU'VE PAID INTO THAT SYSTEM. but i'm supposed to feel guilty about needing those monies now that i can't work. that's, pardon me, fucked up. i'm a hard worker. i do my job, i TAKE PRIDE in my job. but right now, i can't work. and it's through no fault of my own. but i'm supposed to feel guilty, to feel ashamed that i need help? we, as a society, have lost our compassion. we've lost our dignity. we've lost our ability to DO THE RIGHT THING. and we need to get that back. so i'm all about getting back to standing on my own two feet. i'll get there, eventually. but until i do, we continue to struggle, day to day, because i'm supposed to just hide and not participate in a society that has marginalized me. i'm a fighter. i won't take this sitting down. i'll be back on my own two feet soon enough, and i'll do something about it.
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