i'm having to find a new way to deal with anger. ANGER. i don't even like the word, let alone having to admit that i'm ANGRY. how do you deal with anger and still find a way to express your gratitude? it seems like quite a conundrum, doesn't it? but i'm finding the more i acknowledge my anger, and not let it seethe, the easier it is to let go of whatever it is that makes me so upset. i just wish i would have learned this technique about 30 years ago. i might be in a very different place. but then again, maybe i wasn't supposed to learn it 30 years ago. there i go, questioning the universe again. i must learn not to do that. the universe knows what she's doing, and we're just a small gathering of molecules that possess enough intelligence to dare to question her authority.
so, what am i do to about handling my anger? i'm a crazy baker. but that's not going to help, i enjoy eating what i bake. and i'm trying to lose weight. just a bit counterproductive, and rather passive-aggresive to myself. and that in itself, is a truly depressing thought. how do you express your anger, yet learn to embrace it and be grateful for? undoubtedly, the biggest dilemma i've come across yet in life.
do i learn a hobby? do i submerge myself in learning to knit or crochet until i become one of those crazy women that knits and crochets everything from toaster cozies to cat sweaters? that's such an unbecoming thought in and of itself, i can't even attempt to entertain it. i used to latch hook when i was a 12 or 13 year old. it was something to do during the cold illinois winters. i wasn't an extremely popular kid, so it occupied my time. i just was never very crafty. i'm a cook, and i'm a gardner. and here i have a very small kitchen, but it's mine. and unfortunately, i have no land. we live in a condo, but again, it's ours. i bought it as a single gal, never expecting to get married or have a child. ms. universe had other plans for me, that cosmic joker that she is.
i keep coming back to the same thought, time and time again. "what if i'm just not that creative?" i can think of a thousand projects i'd LIKE to do, but i lack the know how to do them. i'm not very artistic at all. i took art in high school, but i never found the medium that helped me best express myself. i always needed a lot of extra coaching and coaxing to bring out "my muse." i'm beginning to wonder if we all have a muse in the first place. now it seems, i'm just afraid to attempt anything such as painting, drawing, sculpting, anything. my brain and hands are very disjointed, it would seem. i see things i want to do in my head, but when i try to put them down on paper or canvas, they look nothing like what i intended them to be. and that brings frustration. but that's another entry, all in itself.
back to anger. yelling? i don't want to do that. i was scared of yelling when i was a child. i have a child, and i don't want her to have that same trauma. i can't seem to sit still long enough to meditate, so that's not an option. punching a pillow? i'd rather take a krav maga class and get something out of it, but i can't do that at the moment. and i don't want to stew in my anger. i need to let it out, in a constructive and positive manner. so i'm going to try an experiment, for at least a month. whenever i feel angry, i'm going to try to find a quiet place, sometimes harder to do than it sounds. and i'm going to sit with my anger, for at least 10 minutes. try to really think about what it is that's making me angry. i know that 10 minutes doesn't sound like a lot of time, but when you are trying to focus on the one thing that is making you angry (or sad, or miserable, or happy, or frustrated or insert emotion here) it can be an eternity. and then i am going to actively try to release the anger. i'm not sure how i'm going to do that, this is a work in progress, an experiment. i'm open to suggestions. and finally i will thank the universe for letting me feel anger. for letting me know that i'm truly alive. for letting me bring myself back to center, and for letting me move on. and move on, i will. and we'll see how it goes. i'm really, really hoping to report back in one month's time that i'm not sitting in my house knitting sweaters for my cats.
I had to do a lot of anger work in St. Louis. One thing is key: sitting with it is great and necessary, but GETTING IT OUT in a physical way is mandatory. Tear phonebooks. Hit something with a rubber bat. Smash plates in the driveway or parking lot (and then clean it up).
ReplyDeleteDo ANYTHING to get that poison out of your system. Learning to speak FOR anger rather than FROM anger is really difficult. I can be done, and I am proof, but it's so important not to skip that step. Good luck to you!
thank you! i'm trying to figure out a way to do this. physically working it out, kickboxing or krav maga is ideal. trashing the house isn't. i'm looking for something in between. and it reared it's ugly head tonight whilst we were out shopping. one too many families with kids not accepting responsibility for their children. i'm slightly disabled at the moment, with the big ugly robo-boot on. one more child walks into me, forcing me to try to jump out of the way, and that boot is going to find a new home.
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