to me, today is the first official day of fall. the first day the windows stayed open all day. the first day the air conditioner was off all day. that is a HUGE deal! ah, desert living at it's finest. we had the air conditioner running from april to october this year. we try to make it to may, but this year it was just too warm. one of these years i'm hoping we'll get a break and i won't have to have the air on until may. or maybe we'll get out of this place all together. hey, it could happen!
tonight, little one and i were walking the pups. it was so nice out, we were just walking, and chatting and admiring our neighbors halloween decorations. we're getting younger people moving into the neighborhood, since home prices are so low, and every one can basically afford to buy in our neighborhood. what was that saying about being the cheapest house in the nicest neighborhood? well, i don't think it's true any longer. but we're chatting, and she is asking me about my favorite parts of halloween. well, the costumes and the candy, of course! i grew up in a small town, and there was a great halloween party at the elementary school on halloween. we would all go out early and trick or treat, it was already dark by 5:00 by then. we'd take everything home, then head to the school for the party. there were games, music, a great cake walk, lots of fun things to do. everyone was there because, well, it was a really, really small town.
and i remember one year we were a little too old to go to the elementary school carnival for halloween. so mom and dad decided to let us have a party in the garage. now, the garage was more like a small barn on our property. there was room for two cars, a loft, a work room, and it could be spooky. dad never parked his cruiser in there, so we always had half the garage as kind of a club house that we fixed up. but for this halloween, both cars were parked on the street, and it was decorated to really scare. there awas a mummy, spider and cobwebs all over the place, lots of pumpkins (we grew them in the garden that year, and we had a bumper crop!) some black lights, creepy music thanks to my oldest sister's then boyfriend and a sound effects record. the doors were big sliding barn doors and they made creepy, squeaky noises when you opened them. we were all so excited to have this party. we were each allowed to invite 10 friends to join us. my oldest sister was away at college, so the garage would have 30 screaming kids running around in it. or so we thought. all of my second oldest sisters friends showed up, and my youngest sisters friends showed up. but not one of the friends that i invited showed up. and that really hurt. and when i was telling this story to little one tonight, it still hurt. i put a lot of effort into that party, helped clean, decorate, organize, make invitations and for what? for a bunch of my friends to think it was funny and prank the party by showing up later, surrounding the garage and all at the same time banging on the walls, pounding on the windows, rattling chains and slamming shut the sliding door. it scared everyone. everyone that is, except my sisters, who were in on the joke. they knew that no one was going to show up, and they knew that they were going to try to scare us while the party was going on. well, i wasn't scared, because i was too hurt to even care about what was going on.
and those kids? i saw them running down they alley, laughing as they thought they got away with it. 38 or so years later i could tell them that they didn't. i knew that they were there, i knew who the ring leader was, even though she tries to play nice now. it's sad, really. some people cannot remember the pain they inflict on others as jokes. they don't realize how sensitive some people are to the feelings of others. it's not being a baby, it's not being weak, it's being strong, in a very, very special way. you see, i SEE those kids, the ones that get picked on, the ones that get left behind, the ones that people laugh at. i SEE them. and i see greatness in them. i see gentleness. i see a courage that they don't even know they possess. because it's hard to face the fact that you just don't fit in. but you keep trying at whatever it is you're doing. you go back, day after day, and try again. and one day, you're going to have a breakthrough. you FIND YOURSELF. you find what you were meant to do in this world. and when you do, god bless you, EMBRACE IT. RUN WITH IT. AND DON'T LET ANYONE STOP YOU.
and on the way home, i found myself walking slower and slower, letting little one get ahead of me, so she wouldn't see the tears in my eyes. because i'm still scarred by the cruelty of their childish act. but out of those scars came an understanding that they will never have. do not hate. forgive them, because there will come a day when they are suffering in their lives, and you can be truly compassionate. don't ever mention your pain to them, that's letting them win. own it, it's yours, and yours alone. it makes you who you are. it gives you strength. it guides you to the good places, if you use it properly. it can open your heart up in the most incredible ways. pain like that can teach you so many lessons, not right away, maybe not for years or decades to come. but those lessons are there. you just need to let the tears come and cleanse away the pain you once felt. and forgiveness? it's easier than you think. if YOU own the pain, THEY have no power, you do. and you can forgive. but you should never forget, because if you do, you lose the lesson. and why would anyone want to do a thing like that?
in the words of the Buddha, "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." so love yourself, let go of hurt and pain, and don't let yourself get burned.
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