the last 6 weeks have been very trying for me. i've been dieting. SERIOUSLY dieting. i've lost 26 pounds, which i guess isn't bad overall, but i thought i would lose more. i'm definitely lacking in energy, and my joints are very creaky. i wouldn't recommend this to anyone else, but i had to do something desperate.
so i'm at the end of the diet process, moving on to maintenance. and i'm already looking for another diet to try. i still have 40 or so pounds to lose, so i need something that is going to be long lasting and boost my energy, not zap it. i've been reading up on raw foods, and making a few things for my family. raw "ice cream" has been a winner. not much else. and my vegan options? i think that they have been good, but i get, "meh" from my 8 year old. i'm really trying to do something healthy for us all, not just me.
i'm hopeful that once i get on the maintenance program i'll have more energy and be able to work out. i have had days when i couldn't get out of bed, seriously. maybe i'll lose a little more on maintenance. but anyone out there have a good program that you've had success on? i'd love to hear about it. and i won't even make you eat the vegan brownies (although i thought they were really good!)
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Friday, April 19, 2013
livin' on a prayer
there's been a lot of sadness lately. a very good friend's father died. he was a wonderful man, i cared for him a great deal. i can only imagine what she is going through right now. i can't be with her because she's currently with family on the east coast and i'm stuck in my burg here in the desert. i wish i could be there.
and then there's boston. so tragic. are we ever going to know what the motivation of the individuals behind the bombings was/is? too many people died, too many people were hurt. and for what? we don't know why. we may never know why. one suspect is dead, the other, well....we don't know. there may never be an answer.
and west, texas. an explosion that pretty much leveled a town. first responders lost when they answered a call to a fire. no one realized what was going to happen next. a fire at a fertilizer factory. that's a huge bomb just waiting to go off. and it did. and so many people died.
and friends that are struggling with things every day. illness, depression, addiction, loss of self worth. it's all so overwhelming. how can people deal with so much? and not just totally lose it? i don't know.
i do know that i'm not a religious person. i'm much more spiritual than religious. i know, i know, a lot of people say that. i feel a connection to something greater than myself, but i don't think i need to be a member of a church to have that connection. it's all about me and my relationship with God, Allah, or whatever you want to call the greater power. it's not about sitting in a building for an hour on a sunday and going through the motions, which is what i did for years. i didn't ever feel that connection when i was going to church on a regular basis. i felt....lost. i felt like everyone else was getting it but i was left in the wilderness. and it didn't seem fair or right. so i stopped going to church. but i never stopped searching, seeking, exploring and learning.
and i think i've found it, for me at least. but i'm keeping it to myself, because it's no one else's business first and foremost. and it's about me and my feelings.
so i've started praying again. in my own manner. it may not be like my friends that go to church pray, but it works for me. when i see a post from a friend on Facebook, or i get a call, i say a prayer. i've prayed for people i don't know probably just as much. and i've found that it's comforting. so i think i'll continue. i don't know if it is helping at all, but it seems to be helping me, and that's a positive. and i can use all the positive in my life right now.
i've thought about asking for prayers for myself and my family, but i think right now i'll just stay the course. but i'm not going to rule it out. they say there's power in numbers, someday i may need those numbers on my side.
and then there's boston. so tragic. are we ever going to know what the motivation of the individuals behind the bombings was/is? too many people died, too many people were hurt. and for what? we don't know why. we may never know why. one suspect is dead, the other, well....we don't know. there may never be an answer.
and west, texas. an explosion that pretty much leveled a town. first responders lost when they answered a call to a fire. no one realized what was going to happen next. a fire at a fertilizer factory. that's a huge bomb just waiting to go off. and it did. and so many people died.
and friends that are struggling with things every day. illness, depression, addiction, loss of self worth. it's all so overwhelming. how can people deal with so much? and not just totally lose it? i don't know.
i do know that i'm not a religious person. i'm much more spiritual than religious. i know, i know, a lot of people say that. i feel a connection to something greater than myself, but i don't think i need to be a member of a church to have that connection. it's all about me and my relationship with God, Allah, or whatever you want to call the greater power. it's not about sitting in a building for an hour on a sunday and going through the motions, which is what i did for years. i didn't ever feel that connection when i was going to church on a regular basis. i felt....lost. i felt like everyone else was getting it but i was left in the wilderness. and it didn't seem fair or right. so i stopped going to church. but i never stopped searching, seeking, exploring and learning.
and i think i've found it, for me at least. but i'm keeping it to myself, because it's no one else's business first and foremost. and it's about me and my feelings.
so i've started praying again. in my own manner. it may not be like my friends that go to church pray, but it works for me. when i see a post from a friend on Facebook, or i get a call, i say a prayer. i've prayed for people i don't know probably just as much. and i've found that it's comforting. so i think i'll continue. i don't know if it is helping at all, but it seems to be helping me, and that's a positive. and i can use all the positive in my life right now.
i've thought about asking for prayers for myself and my family, but i think right now i'll just stay the course. but i'm not going to rule it out. they say there's power in numbers, someday i may need those numbers on my side.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
do wot you do
i have a thing for john hughes movies. i've been overdosing on "pretty in pink" lately. it's one of his movies i really relate to. i was the girl that got stood up at prom. i got dumped by the guy of my dreams for a really lame reason, his friends. except for the broken home and karmann ghia, i lived andie's life.
but looking back has also been cathartic. i had a good cry about dream guy that dumped me. and then i realized that he just wasn't worth it. he cut out of my life at a time when i was most vulnerable and needed support. desperately. but he couldn't hack it, so he ran. and i was left floundering on my own, in a city i barely knew, to make my own way. and i did. it wasn't easy, it wasn't always pretty, and quite often i fell down and had to scrape myself off the pavement and get back up again. but i did, and i found that there was more than dream guy in the world for me. there was THE WORLD. if that breakup hadn't happened, i NEVER would have moved on to get the job i have, never would have lived overseas, never would have left the small neighborhood in the huge city i lived in. i would have been tied down to something that may or may not have made me happy. i can't try to figure out which way the pendulum would have swung, the universe closed that door for me.
but, back to the movie. it made me think about how good i've got it now. how things have been rough for the last three years, but they're beginning to look up. it's a slow, slow process, certainly. but things are getting better. i'm better and getting back to work soon, hopefully. i'm working on quite a few things around the house, and i've got hubby working on a few projects, too.
and i've been thinking of others. i've been stepping outside myself and thinking of others. it all started on facebook, with a friend that was just having a challenging day. i took a moment and just thought some good things for her, and sent it out into the universe. i don't know if it qualifies as prayer or just a meditation, but i felt a little more at peace when i did so. in the next few days i noticed more and more requests for prayers or good thoughts. so i did the same thing for each of those friends. again, i had that calming sense of peace come over me. i like this. i REALLY like this. i've always tried to do good things and help people, but prayer? i never thought much about it. i don't know what to call it, but i keep sending the good vibes out there and i keep the calm coming to myself. the way of the universe? i don't know. but it feels like the right thing to do at the right time.
so i have a john hughes movie to thank, for making me all weepy and thoughtful. for making me want to change the things i think and feel today, so the things i thought and felt all those years ago seem much less significant. for helping me heal a hurt that i thought could never be healed, by helping others. i don't feel that empty hole in my life so much any longer. it's filled with the hopes for a lot of friends that need hopes. and dreams for others that need dreams. and hugs for those that are hurt themselves and need a good hug. it's amazing what you can accomplish by going back to high school, just in your head, and exorcising those demons. they're gone or diminished so much today. and positivity has taken their place. and that makes me feel pretty in pink.
but looking back has also been cathartic. i had a good cry about dream guy that dumped me. and then i realized that he just wasn't worth it. he cut out of my life at a time when i was most vulnerable and needed support. desperately. but he couldn't hack it, so he ran. and i was left floundering on my own, in a city i barely knew, to make my own way. and i did. it wasn't easy, it wasn't always pretty, and quite often i fell down and had to scrape myself off the pavement and get back up again. but i did, and i found that there was more than dream guy in the world for me. there was THE WORLD. if that breakup hadn't happened, i NEVER would have moved on to get the job i have, never would have lived overseas, never would have left the small neighborhood in the huge city i lived in. i would have been tied down to something that may or may not have made me happy. i can't try to figure out which way the pendulum would have swung, the universe closed that door for me.
but, back to the movie. it made me think about how good i've got it now. how things have been rough for the last three years, but they're beginning to look up. it's a slow, slow process, certainly. but things are getting better. i'm better and getting back to work soon, hopefully. i'm working on quite a few things around the house, and i've got hubby working on a few projects, too.
and i've been thinking of others. i've been stepping outside myself and thinking of others. it all started on facebook, with a friend that was just having a challenging day. i took a moment and just thought some good things for her, and sent it out into the universe. i don't know if it qualifies as prayer or just a meditation, but i felt a little more at peace when i did so. in the next few days i noticed more and more requests for prayers or good thoughts. so i did the same thing for each of those friends. again, i had that calming sense of peace come over me. i like this. i REALLY like this. i've always tried to do good things and help people, but prayer? i never thought much about it. i don't know what to call it, but i keep sending the good vibes out there and i keep the calm coming to myself. the way of the universe? i don't know. but it feels like the right thing to do at the right time.
so i have a john hughes movie to thank, for making me all weepy and thoughtful. for making me want to change the things i think and feel today, so the things i thought and felt all those years ago seem much less significant. for helping me heal a hurt that i thought could never be healed, by helping others. i don't feel that empty hole in my life so much any longer. it's filled with the hopes for a lot of friends that need hopes. and dreams for others that need dreams. and hugs for those that are hurt themselves and need a good hug. it's amazing what you can accomplish by going back to high school, just in your head, and exorcising those demons. they're gone or diminished so much today. and positivity has taken their place. and that makes me feel pretty in pink.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
does anybody remember laughter?
so my sense of humor has gotten me in trouble, or at least pissed off a few people lately. yawn. if you haven't figured it out by now, i don't have the time to explain it to you. i mock myself more than i make fun of others. so that goes to say i mock myself a great deal, because i make light of "hollyweird" and the like. especially fame whores. if you live your life to be famous FOR NOTHING BUT BEING FAMOUS chances are great that i'm going to make fun of you at some point. but that also says chances are twice as good that i'm going to make fun of myself, too. twice as much as i make fun of starfuckers, pardon the term.
but it seems that some people, and their fragile sensibilities, can't handle that. and called me out, in their blog. it's the second time this person has called me out, albeit "anonymously," even though a lot of the people reading the blog are friends of both of us. now, i don't think it's right to ridicule me, call me names for making fun of someone that made a poor fashion choice and got compared to shamu. in fact, i think it's fucking hypocritical to do so. this person points out my faults, but i've never mentioned any of hers, and there is plenty i could mention, believe me. but i'm not a vindictive, bitter woman that has to make myself feel superior by tearing down another person i know. yes, i'll make fun of starlets and their lack of common sense, but i would never call one of my "friends" stupid, angry, bitter, jealous, ill-informed, cruel, the list goes on. i was called a litany of names. i had a lot of anger directed at me. there's an "unfriend" button, and i used it for about the second time. it was, in my opinion, hypocritical to write a blog criticizing me for making fun of a dress choice. no need to respond here, your comments will be deleted. that's what "unfriending" does. it cuts all ties. i've had to do that a few times in my life. i thought that this person was someone i could confide in, we shared a few of the same secrets. well, i was wrong. my judgement of people is flawed. hey, i'm human after all! lookey there, i made a mistake. i trusted someone who just turned around and ripped me to shreds publicly.
well, i'm not about to do that to that person. the lesson i took away from that is to laugh when you want to, which is what i intend to do. if my friend, the yogini that never says a harsh word about anyone posted the same thing on her fb page and got lots of laughs about it (psst, i shared it from her. i didn't go hunt it down. a very good friend thought it was funny, saw the humor of the situation, and so did i) i didn't see the harm. especially considering said famous for nothing person is a fat hater. yes, yes she is. she tells people all the time that they look fat, that they're fat, she told her own sister when she was pregnant, that she was fat. what you put out, you get back three fold.
so i got told off, by an angry woman. and another of our friends (who ALWAYS backs her) jumped on the bandwagon. buh-bye. this is the first time i've let myself actually write about it. i'm culling the herd, as it may be. post a negative comment, i don't give a shit. i'm sure i'll be better off without you. i don't have time in my life for negativity. i pile it on myself enough for ten people. so give me a fucking break! get a sense of humor. this is the last that i will say about the subject. i'm done. time to laugh on.
but it seems that some people, and their fragile sensibilities, can't handle that. and called me out, in their blog. it's the second time this person has called me out, albeit "anonymously," even though a lot of the people reading the blog are friends of both of us. now, i don't think it's right to ridicule me, call me names for making fun of someone that made a poor fashion choice and got compared to shamu. in fact, i think it's fucking hypocritical to do so. this person points out my faults, but i've never mentioned any of hers, and there is plenty i could mention, believe me. but i'm not a vindictive, bitter woman that has to make myself feel superior by tearing down another person i know. yes, i'll make fun of starlets and their lack of common sense, but i would never call one of my "friends" stupid, angry, bitter, jealous, ill-informed, cruel, the list goes on. i was called a litany of names. i had a lot of anger directed at me. there's an "unfriend" button, and i used it for about the second time. it was, in my opinion, hypocritical to write a blog criticizing me for making fun of a dress choice. no need to respond here, your comments will be deleted. that's what "unfriending" does. it cuts all ties. i've had to do that a few times in my life. i thought that this person was someone i could confide in, we shared a few of the same secrets. well, i was wrong. my judgement of people is flawed. hey, i'm human after all! lookey there, i made a mistake. i trusted someone who just turned around and ripped me to shreds publicly.
well, i'm not about to do that to that person. the lesson i took away from that is to laugh when you want to, which is what i intend to do. if my friend, the yogini that never says a harsh word about anyone posted the same thing on her fb page and got lots of laughs about it (psst, i shared it from her. i didn't go hunt it down. a very good friend thought it was funny, saw the humor of the situation, and so did i) i didn't see the harm. especially considering said famous for nothing person is a fat hater. yes, yes she is. she tells people all the time that they look fat, that they're fat, she told her own sister when she was pregnant, that she was fat. what you put out, you get back three fold.
so i got told off, by an angry woman. and another of our friends (who ALWAYS backs her) jumped on the bandwagon. buh-bye. this is the first time i've let myself actually write about it. i'm culling the herd, as it may be. post a negative comment, i don't give a shit. i'm sure i'll be better off without you. i don't have time in my life for negativity. i pile it on myself enough for ten people. so give me a fucking break! get a sense of humor. this is the last that i will say about the subject. i'm done. time to laugh on.
Monday, March 11, 2013
new stresses or old foes?
i've gotten this familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach over the last few days. that, "there's something wrong, i just know it," feeling. is it a new stress or an old one coming to the surface? or....a combination of both, the worst case scenario?
i fear it's the worst of both worlds. its going to be a long talk with the good dr., and a lot of work on my own. and a lot of apologizing to my family for things that i've been doing. i can't go into specifics, but all i can say is that things have been up and down, much like a roller coaster on steroids lately. and that has to stop. too much nonsense from me, causing too much stress for me and hubby. time to dial it down. i know that these amps go to 11, but i think 5 or 6 is just dandy. dial it down, already! and maybe, just maybe sleep will come. on its own. and that would be a very welcome change.
i fear it's the worst of both worlds. its going to be a long talk with the good dr., and a lot of work on my own. and a lot of apologizing to my family for things that i've been doing. i can't go into specifics, but all i can say is that things have been up and down, much like a roller coaster on steroids lately. and that has to stop. too much nonsense from me, causing too much stress for me and hubby. time to dial it down. i know that these amps go to 11, but i think 5 or 6 is just dandy. dial it down, already! and maybe, just maybe sleep will come. on its own. and that would be a very welcome change.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
couples therapy (or think before you speak)
my husband and i have had a few conversations lately regarding religion. one religion, specifically. i am a seeker, curious by nature, and want to find out more. he seems to think that it would be dangerous, risky, even hurtful for me to indulge my curiosity. it's causing a lot of hard feelings and very little conversation. by that, i mean when the subject comes up, one or both of us gets mad, end of conversation.
now, it's not like i'm forcing my views on anyone in my family. hardly. i've never been one to subscribe to that line of thinking. just because i go to one house of worship doesn't mean he has to. quite frankly, he has gone to church with me once since we've been married. that was because my stepdaughter and i sort of ganged up on him while on a visit in california and got him to go. it's just not his thing. that's okay with me.
but for me, there's something missing. i need tradition. i need history. i need structure. i need to have something that is bigger than me, just to give me hope. i'm a pretty rational person, most of the time (yes, i put a disclaimer in there. deal with it.) but i feel that i just need to surrender to something bigger than me at times. when things are really difficult, it's comforting. when things go really well, it's nice to think that it's not just because all the pieces fell into place at once, but because someone or something saw fit to make things go our way for a change.
look, i'm not a bible thumping, proselytizing, gonna bring you to jesus type. i'm much further from that. my relationship with God is just that. MINE. no one has a right to tell me how to have that relationship, it's up to me. and i want to explore a little. there's something that appeals to me and i want to check it out. but my husband doesn't want me to. it's okay with him if i read about it, but not if i actively worship. and that doesn't sit well with me. it's not like it's going to change who i am. i am who i am. i am who i'm going to be. but i just wish i could help him understand that it's a personal decision and that no one outside our family needs to be affected by my choice. it's a very private issue, and i intend to have it remain private.
so i'm trying to figure out how to appease my husband's fears, and find a way to study with others. i'm a bit isolated up on my mountain. i don't know that many people in this faith, but i want to learn more. it's just one more thing to be grateful for, that's how i see it.
now, it's not like i'm forcing my views on anyone in my family. hardly. i've never been one to subscribe to that line of thinking. just because i go to one house of worship doesn't mean he has to. quite frankly, he has gone to church with me once since we've been married. that was because my stepdaughter and i sort of ganged up on him while on a visit in california and got him to go. it's just not his thing. that's okay with me.
but for me, there's something missing. i need tradition. i need history. i need structure. i need to have something that is bigger than me, just to give me hope. i'm a pretty rational person, most of the time (yes, i put a disclaimer in there. deal with it.) but i feel that i just need to surrender to something bigger than me at times. when things are really difficult, it's comforting. when things go really well, it's nice to think that it's not just because all the pieces fell into place at once, but because someone or something saw fit to make things go our way for a change.
look, i'm not a bible thumping, proselytizing, gonna bring you to jesus type. i'm much further from that. my relationship with God is just that. MINE. no one has a right to tell me how to have that relationship, it's up to me. and i want to explore a little. there's something that appeals to me and i want to check it out. but my husband doesn't want me to. it's okay with him if i read about it, but not if i actively worship. and that doesn't sit well with me. it's not like it's going to change who i am. i am who i am. i am who i'm going to be. but i just wish i could help him understand that it's a personal decision and that no one outside our family needs to be affected by my choice. it's a very private issue, and i intend to have it remain private.
so i'm trying to figure out how to appease my husband's fears, and find a way to study with others. i'm a bit isolated up on my mountain. i don't know that many people in this faith, but i want to learn more. it's just one more thing to be grateful for, that's how i see it.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
breathe....
i took a break. i had to get my mind back on what it is i'm trying to achieve with this project. and it seems to have worked. i'm feeling a lot more optimistic, a bit more focused. i'm back to trying to find one really good thing that happens each day and celebrate that. no, things aren't perfect. they never will be perfect. but i'm not letting that get me down. i'm pushing through the negative and looking for the positive.
there's still a lot i need to do, but i'm back at physical therapy, and working hard. i had the (not)flu, which put me back a few weeks. it made a mess of my plans to do the color run on february 16. i won't be able to do that now, but i'm not going to let it get me down. you see, this accident happened one week before my first 5k, and i have it stuck in my head that i need to run a 5k again. i will, i know i will. but i'm not running right now. i have to get out and get walking again, first. i haven't been able to do that for quite some time. now i'm healthier, and i can get started.
i'll hopefully be back at work in the next two months. it's going to be a tough adjustment for everyone in our family. we have to start working on our plans now, especially for our daughter. when i am away, where she will be when our work schedules overlap, etc. i had to have that conversation with her this evening. she admitted that she doesn't really like the idea of me going back to work, but i have to. i love my job. i'm good at my job. i miss my job. i feel like part of me is missing, and that's what added to the depression that i went through. it's going to be stressful and hectic, i know, but we have to face the reality of me going back to work. it's going to happen, and it's going to happen soon.
so we're looking at a new start. i have to look forward, and stop looking back. and i need to be a little kinder to myself. i'm my own worse enemy and critic, by far. i have to start looking at what i do well and not tear myself apart for the one thing that i don't do so well. and not dwell on it, either. it's much easier said than done.
so i'm gearing up for a new start, of sorts. let's hope it's a good one.
there's still a lot i need to do, but i'm back at physical therapy, and working hard. i had the (not)flu, which put me back a few weeks. it made a mess of my plans to do the color run on february 16. i won't be able to do that now, but i'm not going to let it get me down. you see, this accident happened one week before my first 5k, and i have it stuck in my head that i need to run a 5k again. i will, i know i will. but i'm not running right now. i have to get out and get walking again, first. i haven't been able to do that for quite some time. now i'm healthier, and i can get started.
i'll hopefully be back at work in the next two months. it's going to be a tough adjustment for everyone in our family. we have to start working on our plans now, especially for our daughter. when i am away, where she will be when our work schedules overlap, etc. i had to have that conversation with her this evening. she admitted that she doesn't really like the idea of me going back to work, but i have to. i love my job. i'm good at my job. i miss my job. i feel like part of me is missing, and that's what added to the depression that i went through. it's going to be stressful and hectic, i know, but we have to face the reality of me going back to work. it's going to happen, and it's going to happen soon.
so we're looking at a new start. i have to look forward, and stop looking back. and i need to be a little kinder to myself. i'm my own worse enemy and critic, by far. i have to start looking at what i do well and not tear myself apart for the one thing that i don't do so well. and not dwell on it, either. it's much easier said than done.
so i'm gearing up for a new start, of sorts. let's hope it's a good one.
Friday, January 18, 2013
got to get it back
i must admit, i'm losing my faith in mankind. i need to get back to the gratitude in my life. yesterday was one of the toughest days i've ever had to endure. first i was threatened by a middle schooler. normally i wouldn't take such a threat seriously, but the nefarious tone in his voice told me this just wasn't an idle threat. and it occurred in a so called, "safe zone." the parking lot at my daughter's primary school is a free-for-all. we've a small parents group, one that i'm part of, that's trying to get control back from the run-amok teens and parents that take over from 3:15-3:45 every weekday. it's a madhouse, i rattles my nerves. and now this. i have to be at the school in a few hours to make a report to the school police, because they failed to show up yesterday when we called for them. it's just not important to them.
and immediately after that, i went home to follow a woman through the gates of our community. she hadn't a clue where she was going, it was obvious. she was driving an oversize van, and attempted to pull into the carports. i asked her not to, because she was going to damage the carport if she did. a few (and i mean a VERY FEW) steps away was an uncovered spot that would cause no problem. no, she was adamant, as was the person she was visiting, for 45 seconds to pick up a bag, that she was going to pull in and cause property damage to our community, just because. i tried to discuss this with our neighbor, but she was not going to see anything but HER WAY. yes, THAT type of neighbor. she shoved me, took a swing at me (we're talking a 65 year old woman here!) i had to call the police and report the assault. now i'm the bad guy in the neighborhood. i'm the troublemaker. the police wouldn't do anything about it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE THESE DAYS?
i guess i should be grateful that i have a home. but i so want out of this place. i NEED to get out of this place. it seems like every day i'm here, every day i'm forced to remain in a place i no longer want to be, i age that much faster. i feel like i'm fighting for my family. i wish i could describe the situation a little better. i feel like i'm resigned to live a life i no longer want, and that really hurts me, mentally and physically.
don't get me wrong, please. I AM GRATEFUL that we have a home. and that we keep it safe for our daughter. but it's becoming more and more difficult each day. we try to be involved with our community, but when neighbors are so cruel and nasty, you don't want to be involved, you want to retreat. and that isn't a life i want for my daughter. i want her to be able to go out and play, and be safe. and i feel i can't let her do that here. i constantly have to watch her, watch the people around her, watch the people at her school, watch EVERYTHING. it's exhausting to be constantly vigilant. i just want to be able to let her be a child, a carefree child. but i can't do that here.
we do have a little hope, though. we find out next month if she'll be admitted or wait-listed for a magnet school we're trying to get her into. one of her best friends from kindergarten and first grade is going there, and loves it. it means earlier mornings, a commute, a crazier parking lot situation, but a better education. i really want this for her. she's top of her class, but everything is so easy for her, she's not challenged. and her teachers see that. please, think good thoughts for us.
so i'm trying to get back to the gratitude project as it was envisioned. somehow, somewhere, i got sidetracked. somehow i need to strike a balance of keyboard confessional, venting, and continuing my search for the gratitude in my life. so i may go with a more stripped down version of the blog. i may just post a line or two. or i may keep writing whatever comes to mind. but the tone has to change. i haven't been appreciative lately, and that needs to change. and it will.
and immediately after that, i went home to follow a woman through the gates of our community. she hadn't a clue where she was going, it was obvious. she was driving an oversize van, and attempted to pull into the carports. i asked her not to, because she was going to damage the carport if she did. a few (and i mean a VERY FEW) steps away was an uncovered spot that would cause no problem. no, she was adamant, as was the person she was visiting, for 45 seconds to pick up a bag, that she was going to pull in and cause property damage to our community, just because. i tried to discuss this with our neighbor, but she was not going to see anything but HER WAY. yes, THAT type of neighbor. she shoved me, took a swing at me (we're talking a 65 year old woman here!) i had to call the police and report the assault. now i'm the bad guy in the neighborhood. i'm the troublemaker. the police wouldn't do anything about it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE THESE DAYS?
i guess i should be grateful that i have a home. but i so want out of this place. i NEED to get out of this place. it seems like every day i'm here, every day i'm forced to remain in a place i no longer want to be, i age that much faster. i feel like i'm fighting for my family. i wish i could describe the situation a little better. i feel like i'm resigned to live a life i no longer want, and that really hurts me, mentally and physically.
don't get me wrong, please. I AM GRATEFUL that we have a home. and that we keep it safe for our daughter. but it's becoming more and more difficult each day. we try to be involved with our community, but when neighbors are so cruel and nasty, you don't want to be involved, you want to retreat. and that isn't a life i want for my daughter. i want her to be able to go out and play, and be safe. and i feel i can't let her do that here. i constantly have to watch her, watch the people around her, watch the people at her school, watch EVERYTHING. it's exhausting to be constantly vigilant. i just want to be able to let her be a child, a carefree child. but i can't do that here.
we do have a little hope, though. we find out next month if she'll be admitted or wait-listed for a magnet school we're trying to get her into. one of her best friends from kindergarten and first grade is going there, and loves it. it means earlier mornings, a commute, a crazier parking lot situation, but a better education. i really want this for her. she's top of her class, but everything is so easy for her, she's not challenged. and her teachers see that. please, think good thoughts for us.
so i'm trying to get back to the gratitude project as it was envisioned. somehow, somewhere, i got sidetracked. somehow i need to strike a balance of keyboard confessional, venting, and continuing my search for the gratitude in my life. so i may go with a more stripped down version of the blog. i may just post a line or two. or i may keep writing whatever comes to mind. but the tone has to change. i haven't been appreciative lately, and that needs to change. and it will.
Monday, January 14, 2013
it's a hard knock life
i'm having a rough month. i'm having a really rough month. i'm trying to stay upbeat about what is going to happen for my family in 2013, but january, at least the first 2 weeks of it, have got me so down in the dumps i don't know what to think about the rest of the year.
i was optimistic about everything when the year started. i wanted to do a fun run on february 16, but i'm giving up on that. i was planning to have bariatric surgery, but it doesn't look like that is going to happen, either. i'm 70 pounds over weight and giving up, it seems.
my surgery is dependent on my husband getting his passport. i have to go outside the US to get the surgery because i minimally qualify for it at home, and insurance won't pay. my husband has sat on his passport application, despite my frequent requests to complete the process. so i won't be doing this, as he obviously is in a passive-aggressive state of being on the whole idea. he says he's supportive, but then is refusing to help me through the process by completing his part of the plan. and his part is the smallest of contributions. so what now?
i'm emotionally spent. i can't keep fighting for something that i know i need, because nothing else has worked. i'm retreating from everything. i'm removing myself from everything. i'm trying to disappear again. just because he won't do what he said he would do. that's the emotional toll this has taken on me. and i can't take any more.
so i'm resigned to not getting the surgery i need to be healthy. i'm resigned to living with a passive-aggressive type that won't come out and say he isn't going to follow through, he'll just refuse. and i've just about had it. i don't get out of bed these days. my health is getting worse, and i just don't give a fuck any longer. why should i care when no one else gives a shit? so i guess i'm done. i'm done fighting. i can't do it any longer. i cannot go on trying to make a better life for my family when i have a partner that will just sit by and let me flail and flounder. and just watch. so i give up. i hope he's satisfied.
i was optimistic about everything when the year started. i wanted to do a fun run on february 16, but i'm giving up on that. i was planning to have bariatric surgery, but it doesn't look like that is going to happen, either. i'm 70 pounds over weight and giving up, it seems.
my surgery is dependent on my husband getting his passport. i have to go outside the US to get the surgery because i minimally qualify for it at home, and insurance won't pay. my husband has sat on his passport application, despite my frequent requests to complete the process. so i won't be doing this, as he obviously is in a passive-aggressive state of being on the whole idea. he says he's supportive, but then is refusing to help me through the process by completing his part of the plan. and his part is the smallest of contributions. so what now?
i'm emotionally spent. i can't keep fighting for something that i know i need, because nothing else has worked. i'm retreating from everything. i'm removing myself from everything. i'm trying to disappear again. just because he won't do what he said he would do. that's the emotional toll this has taken on me. and i can't take any more.
so i'm resigned to not getting the surgery i need to be healthy. i'm resigned to living with a passive-aggressive type that won't come out and say he isn't going to follow through, he'll just refuse. and i've just about had it. i don't get out of bed these days. my health is getting worse, and i just don't give a fuck any longer. why should i care when no one else gives a shit? so i guess i'm done. i'm done fighting. i can't do it any longer. i cannot go on trying to make a better life for my family when i have a partner that will just sit by and let me flail and flounder. and just watch. so i give up. i hope he's satisfied.
Friday, January 11, 2013
second verse, same as the first?
it's 5:04 am. i'm awake. ugh. insomnia kicking in again? i did sleep some last night, after a really great day out with my husband. he's off again today, and we have a lot of errand on our plate today, starting EARLY. it looks like a crock pot sort of day for dinner.
up until a few minutes ago, i was blissfully curled up in bed, with an extra duvet on the bed (it's COOOOLD HERE!) with my little italian greyhound curled up by my side, between hubby and i, my big girl, blanche, our diluted grey tortie adopted from my niece curled up at my feet. let's just say, i couldn't move. all snug in our bed, until the pup decided she wanted to be a foot warmer. okay by me, i need that, too. listening to Iz singing on Pandora, what could be wrong with the world?
i don't know what it is about that song, but it always gets me. we played it a lot for our daughter, in her nursery when she was a baby. she knew Iz before most kids know Raffi. thankfully, she still doesn't know Raffi. (joke to my sister.) i'm very quietly singing it to the dog, and a tear runs down my face. yes, this song ALWAYS gets me. the pooch is pushing her head back against me, into the song, and she feels a tear on her neck. she turns around and licks the tear off my face. thank you, God, for the unconditional love of dogs.
so i'm hoping fo r another good day with my husband. i'm at that age that hormonal mood swings are kicking in, and i don't always have control of my moods, and I DO NOT LIKE IT. i'm the sort of person that dislikes not having control of everything. i'm a type A, and i don't deny it. i OWN that type A personality. i've tried for years to relax. yes, my house is a mess, but it drives me nuts. ugh, it drives me CRAZY some days. i need to let it go, i try, but....
anyway, i've had a few really good days lately. i've had a few REALLY good days. everyone has been great, i've been happy mom again, the person i used to know. and love. i like happy mom, she's a nice person, a good person. unhappy mom is a bit of, well....a bitch. she harps on everything and just isn't a nice person. happy mom has been in residence lately and life has been good. i just wish happy mom could get everyone else motivated to get their part of the projects that need to get done around here at least started. THAT is the biggest cause of my frustration. i don't know how to request we get the projects started any longer, without sounding like a nag or banshee. it's been seven years on my cabinets. i think i've been patient enough. time to get cracking on this. we've got the paint, we've got the supplies, LET'S GET T HIS DONE! always one reason or another. *sigh*
so, i feel like i'm singing the same old song, but i need to change the verses around. any suggestions? we have furniture to build, painting to do, a new floor to put in, no small tasks. and i cannot do this alone. and the funds to hire someone are not there. it's strictly DIY, except the floor. if i don't change the tune, unhappy mom is going to return, and i don't want her to. oh, i need help on this one. ALL HANDS ON DECK!
i need to sneak in a few more hours of sleep. in three hours i'll be out in the cold, selling tickets for the PTA spaghetti dinner. i hope this goes well. with only 5 of us working with the organization, in a school of over 700 students, we're really behind the 8 ball. must remember to dress warm.
for now, i think i'll go forget myself in the glorious caramel tones of nat king cole. at least he thinks i'm "unforgettable." and that's a different verse.
good morning, world.
up until a few minutes ago, i was blissfully curled up in bed, with an extra duvet on the bed (it's COOOOLD HERE!) with my little italian greyhound curled up by my side, between hubby and i, my big girl, blanche, our diluted grey tortie adopted from my niece curled up at my feet. let's just say, i couldn't move. all snug in our bed, until the pup decided she wanted to be a foot warmer. okay by me, i need that, too. listening to Iz singing on Pandora, what could be wrong with the world?
i don't know what it is about that song, but it always gets me. we played it a lot for our daughter, in her nursery when she was a baby. she knew Iz before most kids know Raffi. thankfully, she still doesn't know Raffi. (joke to my sister.) i'm very quietly singing it to the dog, and a tear runs down my face. yes, this song ALWAYS gets me. the pooch is pushing her head back against me, into the song, and she feels a tear on her neck. she turns around and licks the tear off my face. thank you, God, for the unconditional love of dogs.
so i'm hoping fo r another good day with my husband. i'm at that age that hormonal mood swings are kicking in, and i don't always have control of my moods, and I DO NOT LIKE IT. i'm the sort of person that dislikes not having control of everything. i'm a type A, and i don't deny it. i OWN that type A personality. i've tried for years to relax. yes, my house is a mess, but it drives me nuts. ugh, it drives me CRAZY some days. i need to let it go, i try, but....
anyway, i've had a few really good days lately. i've had a few REALLY good days. everyone has been great, i've been happy mom again, the person i used to know. and love. i like happy mom, she's a nice person, a good person. unhappy mom is a bit of, well....a bitch. she harps on everything and just isn't a nice person. happy mom has been in residence lately and life has been good. i just wish happy mom could get everyone else motivated to get their part of the projects that need to get done around here at least started. THAT is the biggest cause of my frustration. i don't know how to request we get the projects started any longer, without sounding like a nag or banshee. it's been seven years on my cabinets. i think i've been patient enough. time to get cracking on this. we've got the paint, we've got the supplies, LET'S GET T HIS DONE! always one reason or another. *sigh*
so, i feel like i'm singing the same old song, but i need to change the verses around. any suggestions? we have furniture to build, painting to do, a new floor to put in, no small tasks. and i cannot do this alone. and the funds to hire someone are not there. it's strictly DIY, except the floor. if i don't change the tune, unhappy mom is going to return, and i don't want her to. oh, i need help on this one. ALL HANDS ON DECK!
i need to sneak in a few more hours of sleep. in three hours i'll be out in the cold, selling tickets for the PTA spaghetti dinner. i hope this goes well. with only 5 of us working with the organization, in a school of over 700 students, we're really behind the 8 ball. must remember to dress warm.
for now, i think i'll go forget myself in the glorious caramel tones of nat king cole. at least he thinks i'm "unforgettable." and that's a different verse.
good morning, world.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
signs
i'm a big believer in signs. sometimes i remain unconvinced until i see a sign. i just have to have something rather tangible to confirm my beliefs. well....
last weekend we were enjoying a family day out. it's not often we have the gift of itinerancy and just meander through our day with no fixed agenda. but this was one of those rare occasions. first, we had to stop at old navy and exchange some christmas gifts for our daughter. don't you hate it when the hanger says one size, when it's a COMPLETELY different sized garment? i didn't notice, usually i do. back to the store they go. then lunch. i don't remember where we went, but we had a great time, lots of laughs and fun. on the way home....we passed....THE GOODWILL SUPERSTORE.
i love my thrift shopping like crazy. we've gotten some great deals at goodwill. this was a new store, and we hadn't been there before. we're halfway past, and little one says, "i wouldn't mind if we stopped and looked." translation: "mom and dad, i'd love to go to goodwill and pick up some new books." that's what that usually means. so we turn around, hunt for parking, and i do mean hunt, and proceed to shop.
furniture was a bust, so i gave up on that immediately. i went to housewares. hubby and little one went over to find board games. i found the most interesting brass wall hanging, i had to buy it. i had no idea what it said, but i knew i had to buy it. it was in arabic, and it read (approximately, i cannot recreate it here):
الثقة في الله
which means Trust in God.
so...a sign? i believe so. i believe i'm on the right path. it was a totally random stop, on a totally random day, and i found this? there was a gentleman at the store shopping, who was Muslim. he translated it for us. he said if i hadn't found it first, he would be buying it. i took that as A VERY GOOD SIGN.
i don't know why i have to have signs, and i can't take faith on well, faith, but i do. i've struggled with this for a very long time. and i think i may have found a home. i'm still a bit uneasy, because i cannot get my memory to engage, and memorize phrases and words, but i'll get there. i'll get there by making flashcards. great. more signs. :)
last weekend we were enjoying a family day out. it's not often we have the gift of itinerancy and just meander through our day with no fixed agenda. but this was one of those rare occasions. first, we had to stop at old navy and exchange some christmas gifts for our daughter. don't you hate it when the hanger says one size, when it's a COMPLETELY different sized garment? i didn't notice, usually i do. back to the store they go. then lunch. i don't remember where we went, but we had a great time, lots of laughs and fun. on the way home....we passed....THE GOODWILL SUPERSTORE.
i love my thrift shopping like crazy. we've gotten some great deals at goodwill. this was a new store, and we hadn't been there before. we're halfway past, and little one says, "i wouldn't mind if we stopped and looked." translation: "mom and dad, i'd love to go to goodwill and pick up some new books." that's what that usually means. so we turn around, hunt for parking, and i do mean hunt, and proceed to shop.
furniture was a bust, so i gave up on that immediately. i went to housewares. hubby and little one went over to find board games. i found the most interesting brass wall hanging, i had to buy it. i had no idea what it said, but i knew i had to buy it. it was in arabic, and it read (approximately, i cannot recreate it here):
الثقة في الله
which means Trust in God.
so...a sign? i believe so. i believe i'm on the right path. it was a totally random stop, on a totally random day, and i found this? there was a gentleman at the store shopping, who was Muslim. he translated it for us. he said if i hadn't found it first, he would be buying it. i took that as A VERY GOOD SIGN.
i don't know why i have to have signs, and i can't take faith on well, faith, but i do. i've struggled with this for a very long time. and i think i may have found a home. i'm still a bit uneasy, because i cannot get my memory to engage, and memorize phrases and words, but i'll get there. i'll get there by making flashcards. great. more signs. :)
Thursday, January 3, 2013
the buddy system?
so i checked my stats today. i have a reader that stumbled on my little blog from turkey? really? i'm overwhelmed. i have a mission to learn at least rudimentary turkish this year. want to be my buddy and help me learn? just throwing it out there. i hope i get a response, it would be great to hear from you! let me know if you would be up for a cross-cultural exchange of conversation. that is it for this post. i have another one to write today, so off to do that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)