i've been living someone else's life for the past 20 years, approximately. it's certainly not the one i've been intending to live. i've let everyone's prejudices and opinions color my thoughts and actions. no longer will i do that. i am going to try to live true to my heart. i've pretty much announced my intentions on this blog, and i've not heard word one from those "friends" that seem to care so much about me. i haven't heard a peep from them. i guess i now know what i suspected all along.
as long as i was under their control, thought and action, i was okay as a friend. but now that i'm fed up, and really trying to find out who i am, at almost 50 years of age, they no longer want to be friends with me. okay. so be it. i'm grateful that i've determined my true intentions and that i am trying to chart my course. it's going to be very lonely at times, like right now. i have no one to lean on, but i guess that's what i'm meant to experience, so i know this is what i truly need in my life.
under their thumbs no more.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Thursday, December 27, 2012
wrench, please. for the wench, please.
my attitude has needed adjusting. that's why i haven't been blogging. the holidays are particularly difficult for me, and i felt as though i was victimized by someone that blogged about my not feeling "connected" to the holidays. the more people got on their christian high horses, the more pissed off i got. and that person had to write a blog entry about it. i'm still hurt by it, as if you couldn't tell.
but i have to move on. i'm looking for tutors. i'm looking for a tutor in Turkish and a tutor in Arabic. it's unfortunately too late to sign up at the local junior college for Arabic I, so i can't take any classes. there was also a very interesting class on Islam being offered, by a professor i know. it would have been fabulous to have been able to take those classes, but i found out about them too late. so i'm going to call and see if i can at least audit the class on Islam. there are some very good ideals that i would like to learn about.
and i plan on attending my local masjid in the coming year. save your breath, if you're going to tell me i'm going to hell. it's very unchristian to judge another person and their religious beliefs. i've hung out with hari krishnas, sikhs (at yoga conferences, they are FASCINATING people) baha'i, jews, hindis, buddhists, you name it. no one has EVER told me i'm going to hell if i don't believe what they believe.....only radical christians. READ THAT AGAIN. RADICAL CHRISTIANS. not every christian i know. but then again there are those mainstream christians that judge me just as much. i don't judge them. i'm happy they have faith. it's something i've been searching for for nearly 40 years. and now i want to explore Islam. so don't come down hard on me. be happy for me, wish me well in my journey and pray that i find the peace that i so need to find.
i've been very private about this for a long time, but now i'm putting it out there. and i truly wish that people can find it in their hearts to be kind and help me along in this journey. i need a lot of support, because i already know a lot of people are going to turn their backs on me, just because. and that's their choice. and that's okay. if they are that small minded, and they don't see that i'm still the same person, just trying to live by holding myself to a higher standard, is it my loss? or theirs? i've cried a lot of tears over this decision. but in my heart, i know there is peace to be found. i walked into a mosque on 9/11 and sat for hours talking to men and women, telling my story, and it's a unique story for someone just coming to Islam. i didn't know what to expect. but what i got? genuine caring and concern. unfortunately i haven't been able to get back to the mosque because i can't drive right now. but i expect that soon that will change.
i need a new community. i need to find a way to expand my heart. and forgiveness is the best way to do so. i'm kind of hoping i'll be like the grinch in the next few weeks and my heart will grow two sizes, to accept and express all the love i want to get out there. the bitterness has to go. there is a lot of love hidden inside. it just needs the right foil to find its way out.
but i have to move on. i'm looking for tutors. i'm looking for a tutor in Turkish and a tutor in Arabic. it's unfortunately too late to sign up at the local junior college for Arabic I, so i can't take any classes. there was also a very interesting class on Islam being offered, by a professor i know. it would have been fabulous to have been able to take those classes, but i found out about them too late. so i'm going to call and see if i can at least audit the class on Islam. there are some very good ideals that i would like to learn about.
and i plan on attending my local masjid in the coming year. save your breath, if you're going to tell me i'm going to hell. it's very unchristian to judge another person and their religious beliefs. i've hung out with hari krishnas, sikhs (at yoga conferences, they are FASCINATING people) baha'i, jews, hindis, buddhists, you name it. no one has EVER told me i'm going to hell if i don't believe what they believe.....only radical christians. READ THAT AGAIN. RADICAL CHRISTIANS. not every christian i know. but then again there are those mainstream christians that judge me just as much. i don't judge them. i'm happy they have faith. it's something i've been searching for for nearly 40 years. and now i want to explore Islam. so don't come down hard on me. be happy for me, wish me well in my journey and pray that i find the peace that i so need to find.
i've been very private about this for a long time, but now i'm putting it out there. and i truly wish that people can find it in their hearts to be kind and help me along in this journey. i need a lot of support, because i already know a lot of people are going to turn their backs on me, just because. and that's their choice. and that's okay. if they are that small minded, and they don't see that i'm still the same person, just trying to live by holding myself to a higher standard, is it my loss? or theirs? i've cried a lot of tears over this decision. but in my heart, i know there is peace to be found. i walked into a mosque on 9/11 and sat for hours talking to men and women, telling my story, and it's a unique story for someone just coming to Islam. i didn't know what to expect. but what i got? genuine caring and concern. unfortunately i haven't been able to get back to the mosque because i can't drive right now. but i expect that soon that will change.
i need a new community. i need to find a way to expand my heart. and forgiveness is the best way to do so. i'm kind of hoping i'll be like the grinch in the next few weeks and my heart will grow two sizes, to accept and express all the love i want to get out there. the bitterness has to go. there is a lot of love hidden inside. it just needs the right foil to find its way out.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
my side of the story
i don't feel connected to christmas. never have. i just don't. i go through the motions, making it a festive deal for my family, making others happy, trying to force myself to enjoy it, but i end up crying over it because it just doesn't fit. i can't make it fit. you can't force something that just won't work, no matter how hard you try.
so today i found out a friend wrote a blog entry about a facebook rant i had about my lack of connection with christmas. i feel so understood. maybe she could have asked why i have such an issue with christmas. maybe she would have found out that my grandmother died just before christmas when i was 6. that kind of kills it for a kid, don't you think? but no, i'm a selfish boor that just goes about, destroying the holiday and festivities for everyone else. banning it for my family, obliterating it from the surface of the map because i have an agenda against christmas.
hardly. i do whatever i can to make my family happy. i do so at the risk of my own happiness and sanity. i get to the edge of reason every year at holiday time. i make myself bake the cookies, write the cards (okay, when i remember) wrap the presents, put up the tree, plan a huge holiday dinner, listen to all the music when secretly it's ripping me apart. i do it so that my family can have a pleasant holiday. i know i'm not going to have a good time, but that's no reason they shouldn't. and they do have a good time, i see to it.
but i've reached a point in my life when i can't continue the farce. well, i don't want to continue putting on the face, but i am. yes, the tree is up. the presents are bought. christmas dinner is planned, and i'm planning what i have to do for my husband's family christmas in california. but i'm selfish if i ask, "what about me?" you see, i haven't gotten anything out of christmas for many years. i feel hollow inside. but that doesn't matter, according to this friend. i should put my own feelings out of the way (like i have for the last i don't know how many years, and i am again this year) and make everything about everyone else (like i am again this year.) but i'm selfish, and she's embarrassed for me. why? because i had a grandparent die during the holidays and from that point on the holidays didn't hold any joy for me?
you could have just asked. i play a lot of things close to the vest. i don't let a lot of people in on a lot of things. and yes, i tend to rant now and then. but when people start preaching to me about how christmas is all about "our savior's birth" and they want me to know "THE TRUTH" (their version, not mine) it starts to seem, well.....preachy. and i don't like preachy. i get defensive with preachy. and the more "they" push, the more defensive i get, until i just get mean and nasty. hey, it's great that you want to help, but where were you when i really needed help? when i had surgery and couldn't walk? was in bed for almost a month? was still trying to clean the house, do the laundry, cook and all for my family, when i was supposed to be in bed healing? THAT was when i needed the help. not now. and i am fighting my way through very painful physical therapy, determined to get back to work, i'm doing all this on my own. i don't get a lot of help around the house, but i guess that's my fault for not speaking up enough.
so instead of judging someone that is having a tough time with the holidays, why not try to be a little more understanding? we all have different experiences from our childhoods. some have great experiences, some are tinged with pain, real deep, cutting pain. i don't hide from my pain, but i try not to let my daughter see it. because christmas is for children. or at least it should be. i just haven't had a real christmas since i was 6. but no one even bothered to ask.
so today i found out a friend wrote a blog entry about a facebook rant i had about my lack of connection with christmas. i feel so understood. maybe she could have asked why i have such an issue with christmas. maybe she would have found out that my grandmother died just before christmas when i was 6. that kind of kills it for a kid, don't you think? but no, i'm a selfish boor that just goes about, destroying the holiday and festivities for everyone else. banning it for my family, obliterating it from the surface of the map because i have an agenda against christmas.
hardly. i do whatever i can to make my family happy. i do so at the risk of my own happiness and sanity. i get to the edge of reason every year at holiday time. i make myself bake the cookies, write the cards (okay, when i remember) wrap the presents, put up the tree, plan a huge holiday dinner, listen to all the music when secretly it's ripping me apart. i do it so that my family can have a pleasant holiday. i know i'm not going to have a good time, but that's no reason they shouldn't. and they do have a good time, i see to it.
but i've reached a point in my life when i can't continue the farce. well, i don't want to continue putting on the face, but i am. yes, the tree is up. the presents are bought. christmas dinner is planned, and i'm planning what i have to do for my husband's family christmas in california. but i'm selfish if i ask, "what about me?" you see, i haven't gotten anything out of christmas for many years. i feel hollow inside. but that doesn't matter, according to this friend. i should put my own feelings out of the way (like i have for the last i don't know how many years, and i am again this year) and make everything about everyone else (like i am again this year.) but i'm selfish, and she's embarrassed for me. why? because i had a grandparent die during the holidays and from that point on the holidays didn't hold any joy for me?
you could have just asked. i play a lot of things close to the vest. i don't let a lot of people in on a lot of things. and yes, i tend to rant now and then. but when people start preaching to me about how christmas is all about "our savior's birth" and they want me to know "THE TRUTH" (their version, not mine) it starts to seem, well.....preachy. and i don't like preachy. i get defensive with preachy. and the more "they" push, the more defensive i get, until i just get mean and nasty. hey, it's great that you want to help, but where were you when i really needed help? when i had surgery and couldn't walk? was in bed for almost a month? was still trying to clean the house, do the laundry, cook and all for my family, when i was supposed to be in bed healing? THAT was when i needed the help. not now. and i am fighting my way through very painful physical therapy, determined to get back to work, i'm doing all this on my own. i don't get a lot of help around the house, but i guess that's my fault for not speaking up enough.
so instead of judging someone that is having a tough time with the holidays, why not try to be a little more understanding? we all have different experiences from our childhoods. some have great experiences, some are tinged with pain, real deep, cutting pain. i don't hide from my pain, but i try not to let my daughter see it. because christmas is for children. or at least it should be. i just haven't had a real christmas since i was 6. but no one even bothered to ask.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
emotional rescue
i'm not doing very well at this gratitude thing. yes, i realize all the material things i have, that many don't, especially this time of year. but what i really wanted out of this experience was an emotional change. and i'm finding that i'm sinking back into the depression that got this entire project started, to begin with.
i'm happy that i have a home and that my daughter has clothes, food, warmth and all she needs. my husband has what he wants. but what about me? i put myself on the back burner for everyone else. there is a profound malaise setting in, and i don't like it one bit. the arguments are getting nastier and nastier. and i'm thinking of leaving. it's that bad for me. i can't explain it to anyone, they don't seem to understand. "but your husband loves you, doesn't he?" yes, he says he does. but does that mean that's all it takes to make me happy? am i that much of a simpleton?
no, i'm not. i realize i'm a very complex woman. and right now my situation isn't ideal. not being able to work, having to go through painful physical therapy, not being happy about my appearance, my home, my life in general....i'm frustrated. and that makes me feel......well, UNGRATEFUL. and i'm not achieving what i set out to do.
i feel like a fraud. a farce. like the joke has been on me the entire time. i've been trying, honestly. but what more can i do? when you finally admit it, and those words, "profound malaise" come out of your mouth, is there anything left that can save the situation?
there are so many issues complicating things right now. my sleep disorder doesn't help at all. i'm not cognitively functional most of the day. i have a very short window of time when i can actually function on any sort of meaningful level. that's no way to go through life. i'm not involved in anything because i have no autonomy these days. i cannot drive. hell, can't even walk half a mile without being in pain. i am working on what i need to do, but i'm only one person. i cannot do it alone. and i feel like i'm very alone. isolated, solitary. and it's just not right for people to be living like this. i'm surrounded by people, yet i'm alone. i interact with people but i'm alone. i live in a small house, full of people, cats, dogs, but i'm still alone.
i need to learn to be grateful in my solitude. i need an emotional rescue.
i'm happy that i have a home and that my daughter has clothes, food, warmth and all she needs. my husband has what he wants. but what about me? i put myself on the back burner for everyone else. there is a profound malaise setting in, and i don't like it one bit. the arguments are getting nastier and nastier. and i'm thinking of leaving. it's that bad for me. i can't explain it to anyone, they don't seem to understand. "but your husband loves you, doesn't he?" yes, he says he does. but does that mean that's all it takes to make me happy? am i that much of a simpleton?
no, i'm not. i realize i'm a very complex woman. and right now my situation isn't ideal. not being able to work, having to go through painful physical therapy, not being happy about my appearance, my home, my life in general....i'm frustrated. and that makes me feel......well, UNGRATEFUL. and i'm not achieving what i set out to do.
i feel like a fraud. a farce. like the joke has been on me the entire time. i've been trying, honestly. but what more can i do? when you finally admit it, and those words, "profound malaise" come out of your mouth, is there anything left that can save the situation?
there are so many issues complicating things right now. my sleep disorder doesn't help at all. i'm not cognitively functional most of the day. i have a very short window of time when i can actually function on any sort of meaningful level. that's no way to go through life. i'm not involved in anything because i have no autonomy these days. i cannot drive. hell, can't even walk half a mile without being in pain. i am working on what i need to do, but i'm only one person. i cannot do it alone. and i feel like i'm very alone. isolated, solitary. and it's just not right for people to be living like this. i'm surrounded by people, yet i'm alone. i interact with people but i'm alone. i live in a small house, full of people, cats, dogs, but i'm still alone.
i need to learn to be grateful in my solitude. i need an emotional rescue.
Monday, December 3, 2012
butt kicked.
PT today. my butt was kicked, to the curb and back again. it was frustrating, i was almost in tears....over catching a fricking ball. yep, you read that right. i play catch in PT. standing on one foot, to test and stress my balance. i finally got through the exercise, but with MAJOR modifications. but i got through it. and i was tired. boy, was i tired.
i'm working hard to get myself back in shape. i haven't lost any of the 60-80 pounds that i have to lose, and that bums me out. i'm really down on myself about that. but my balance is v e r y s l o w l y coming back to me. it doesn't help that i can trip over ANYTHING that is on the floor, near the floor, 17 feet from the floor, in another room from me, whatever. i'll find a way to trip. and that messes up my ankle more. and stairs. why do i have to live on the second floor? and have to take a flight of stairs to get to my flight of stairs? because i live on the side of a mountain, that's why. and i walked myself silly this past weekend. with stairs, too.
and my hips aren't stable, either. but they are getting there. the more i work them, the more they rebel and HATE me, the more stable they are. it's a nasty circle, but a necessary one. right now, i'm flat on my back, in need of a nap because i didn't sleep last night. and THAT complicates matters. i'm not sleeping, so i can't lose the weight to take the stress off my hips, blah blah blah.
but i'm working on it. i'm working hard. i'm working like a mad woman....that can't catch a ball. let me tell you, for me, that's MADDENING!
i'm working hard to get myself back in shape. i haven't lost any of the 60-80 pounds that i have to lose, and that bums me out. i'm really down on myself about that. but my balance is v e r y s l o w l y coming back to me. it doesn't help that i can trip over ANYTHING that is on the floor, near the floor, 17 feet from the floor, in another room from me, whatever. i'll find a way to trip. and that messes up my ankle more. and stairs. why do i have to live on the second floor? and have to take a flight of stairs to get to my flight of stairs? because i live on the side of a mountain, that's why. and i walked myself silly this past weekend. with stairs, too.
and my hips aren't stable, either. but they are getting there. the more i work them, the more they rebel and HATE me, the more stable they are. it's a nasty circle, but a necessary one. right now, i'm flat on my back, in need of a nap because i didn't sleep last night. and THAT complicates matters. i'm not sleeping, so i can't lose the weight to take the stress off my hips, blah blah blah.
but i'm working on it. i'm working hard. i'm working like a mad woman....that can't catch a ball. let me tell you, for me, that's MADDENING!
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