emotional rescue

i'm not doing very well at this gratitude thing.  yes, i realize all the material things i have, that many don't, especially this time of year.  but what i really wanted out of this experience was an emotional change.  and i'm finding that i'm sinking back into the depression that got this entire project started, to begin with.

i'm happy that i have a home and that my daughter has clothes, food, warmth and all she needs.  my husband has what he wants.  but what about me?  i put myself on the back burner for everyone else.  there is a profound malaise setting in, and i don't like it one bit.  the arguments are getting nastier and nastier.  and i'm thinking of leaving.  it's that bad for me.  i can't explain it to anyone, they don't seem to understand.  "but your husband loves you, doesn't he?"  yes, he says he does.  but does that mean that's all it takes to make me happy?  am i that much of a simpleton?

no, i'm not.  i realize i'm a very complex woman.  and right now my situation isn't ideal.  not being able to work, having to go through painful physical therapy, not being happy about my appearance, my home, my life in general....i'm frustrated.  and that makes me feel......well, UNGRATEFUL.  and i'm not achieving what i set out to do.

i feel like a fraud.  a farce.  like the joke has been on me the entire time.  i've been trying, honestly.  but what more can i do?  when you finally admit it, and those words, "profound malaise" come out of your mouth, is there anything left that can save the situation?

there are so many issues complicating things right now.  my sleep disorder doesn't help at all.  i'm not cognitively functional most of the day.  i have a very short window of time when i can actually function on any sort of meaningful level.  that's no way to go through life.  i'm not involved in anything because i have no autonomy these days.  i cannot drive.  hell,  can't even walk half a mile without being in pain. i am working on what i need to do, but i'm only one person.  i cannot do it alone.  and i feel like i'm very alone.  isolated, solitary.   and it's just not right for people to be living like this.  i'm surrounded by people, yet i'm alone.  i interact with people but i'm alone.  i live in a small house, full of people, cats, dogs, but i'm still alone.

i need to learn to be grateful in my solitude.  i need an emotional rescue.