i don't feel connected to christmas. never have. i just don't. i go through the motions, making it a festive deal for my family, making others happy, trying to force myself to enjoy it, but i end up crying over it because it just doesn't fit. i can't make it fit. you can't force something that just won't work, no matter how hard you try.
so today i found out a friend wrote a blog entry about a facebook rant i had about my lack of connection with christmas. i feel so understood. maybe she could have asked why i have such an issue with christmas. maybe she would have found out that my grandmother died just before christmas when i was 6. that kind of kills it for a kid, don't you think? but no, i'm a selfish boor that just goes about, destroying the holiday and festivities for everyone else. banning it for my family, obliterating it from the surface of the map because i have an agenda against christmas.
hardly. i do whatever i can to make my family happy. i do so at the risk of my own happiness and sanity. i get to the edge of reason every year at holiday time. i make myself bake the cookies, write the cards (okay, when i remember) wrap the presents, put up the tree, plan a huge holiday dinner, listen to all the music when secretly it's ripping me apart. i do it so that my family can have a pleasant holiday. i know i'm not going to have a good time, but that's no reason they shouldn't. and they do have a good time, i see to it.
but i've reached a point in my life when i can't continue the farce. well, i don't want to continue putting on the face, but i am. yes, the tree is up. the presents are bought. christmas dinner is planned, and i'm planning what i have to do for my husband's family christmas in california. but i'm selfish if i ask, "what about me?" you see, i haven't gotten anything out of christmas for many years. i feel hollow inside. but that doesn't matter, according to this friend. i should put my own feelings out of the way (like i have for the last i don't know how many years, and i am again this year) and make everything about everyone else (like i am again this year.) but i'm selfish, and she's embarrassed for me. why? because i had a grandparent die during the holidays and from that point on the holidays didn't hold any joy for me?
you could have just asked. i play a lot of things close to the vest. i don't let a lot of people in on a lot of things. and yes, i tend to rant now and then. but when people start preaching to me about how christmas is all about "our savior's birth" and they want me to know "THE TRUTH" (their version, not mine) it starts to seem, well.....preachy. and i don't like preachy. i get defensive with preachy. and the more "they" push, the more defensive i get, until i just get mean and nasty. hey, it's great that you want to help, but where were you when i really needed help? when i had surgery and couldn't walk? was in bed for almost a month? was still trying to clean the house, do the laundry, cook and all for my family, when i was supposed to be in bed healing? THAT was when i needed the help. not now. and i am fighting my way through very painful physical therapy, determined to get back to work, i'm doing all this on my own. i don't get a lot of help around the house, but i guess that's my fault for not speaking up enough.
so instead of judging someone that is having a tough time with the holidays, why not try to be a little more understanding? we all have different experiences from our childhoods. some have great experiences, some are tinged with pain, real deep, cutting pain. i don't hide from my pain, but i try not to let my daughter see it. because christmas is for children. or at least it should be. i just haven't had a real christmas since i was 6. but no one even bothered to ask.
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