there's been a lot of sadness lately. a very good friend's father died. he was a wonderful man, i cared for him a great deal. i can only imagine what she is going through right now. i can't be with her because she's currently with family on the east coast and i'm stuck in my burg here in the desert. i wish i could be there.
and then there's boston. so tragic. are we ever going to know what the motivation of the individuals behind the bombings was/is? too many people died, too many people were hurt. and for what? we don't know why. we may never know why. one suspect is dead, the other, well....we don't know. there may never be an answer.
and west, texas. an explosion that pretty much leveled a town. first responders lost when they answered a call to a fire. no one realized what was going to happen next. a fire at a fertilizer factory. that's a huge bomb just waiting to go off. and it did. and so many people died.
and friends that are struggling with things every day. illness, depression, addiction, loss of self worth. it's all so overwhelming. how can people deal with so much? and not just totally lose it? i don't know.
i do know that i'm not a religious person. i'm much more spiritual than religious. i know, i know, a lot of people say that. i feel a connection to something greater than myself, but i don't think i need to be a member of a church to have that connection. it's all about me and my relationship with God, Allah, or whatever you want to call the greater power. it's not about sitting in a building for an hour on a sunday and going through the motions, which is what i did for years. i didn't ever feel that connection when i was going to church on a regular basis. i felt....lost. i felt like everyone else was getting it but i was left in the wilderness. and it didn't seem fair or right. so i stopped going to church. but i never stopped searching, seeking, exploring and learning.
and i think i've found it, for me at least. but i'm keeping it to myself, because it's no one else's business first and foremost. and it's about me and my feelings.
so i've started praying again. in my own manner. it may not be like my friends that go to church pray, but it works for me. when i see a post from a friend on Facebook, or i get a call, i say a prayer. i've prayed for people i don't know probably just as much. and i've found that it's comforting. so i think i'll continue. i don't know if it is helping at all, but it seems to be helping me, and that's a positive. and i can use all the positive in my life right now.
i've thought about asking for prayers for myself and my family, but i think right now i'll just stay the course. but i'm not going to rule it out. they say there's power in numbers, someday i may need those numbers on my side.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Saturday, April 6, 2013
do wot you do
i have a thing for john hughes movies. i've been overdosing on "pretty in pink" lately. it's one of his movies i really relate to. i was the girl that got stood up at prom. i got dumped by the guy of my dreams for a really lame reason, his friends. except for the broken home and karmann ghia, i lived andie's life.
but looking back has also been cathartic. i had a good cry about dream guy that dumped me. and then i realized that he just wasn't worth it. he cut out of my life at a time when i was most vulnerable and needed support. desperately. but he couldn't hack it, so he ran. and i was left floundering on my own, in a city i barely knew, to make my own way. and i did. it wasn't easy, it wasn't always pretty, and quite often i fell down and had to scrape myself off the pavement and get back up again. but i did, and i found that there was more than dream guy in the world for me. there was THE WORLD. if that breakup hadn't happened, i NEVER would have moved on to get the job i have, never would have lived overseas, never would have left the small neighborhood in the huge city i lived in. i would have been tied down to something that may or may not have made me happy. i can't try to figure out which way the pendulum would have swung, the universe closed that door for me.
but, back to the movie. it made me think about how good i've got it now. how things have been rough for the last three years, but they're beginning to look up. it's a slow, slow process, certainly. but things are getting better. i'm better and getting back to work soon, hopefully. i'm working on quite a few things around the house, and i've got hubby working on a few projects, too.
and i've been thinking of others. i've been stepping outside myself and thinking of others. it all started on facebook, with a friend that was just having a challenging day. i took a moment and just thought some good things for her, and sent it out into the universe. i don't know if it qualifies as prayer or just a meditation, but i felt a little more at peace when i did so. in the next few days i noticed more and more requests for prayers or good thoughts. so i did the same thing for each of those friends. again, i had that calming sense of peace come over me. i like this. i REALLY like this. i've always tried to do good things and help people, but prayer? i never thought much about it. i don't know what to call it, but i keep sending the good vibes out there and i keep the calm coming to myself. the way of the universe? i don't know. but it feels like the right thing to do at the right time.
so i have a john hughes movie to thank, for making me all weepy and thoughtful. for making me want to change the things i think and feel today, so the things i thought and felt all those years ago seem much less significant. for helping me heal a hurt that i thought could never be healed, by helping others. i don't feel that empty hole in my life so much any longer. it's filled with the hopes for a lot of friends that need hopes. and dreams for others that need dreams. and hugs for those that are hurt themselves and need a good hug. it's amazing what you can accomplish by going back to high school, just in your head, and exorcising those demons. they're gone or diminished so much today. and positivity has taken their place. and that makes me feel pretty in pink.
but looking back has also been cathartic. i had a good cry about dream guy that dumped me. and then i realized that he just wasn't worth it. he cut out of my life at a time when i was most vulnerable and needed support. desperately. but he couldn't hack it, so he ran. and i was left floundering on my own, in a city i barely knew, to make my own way. and i did. it wasn't easy, it wasn't always pretty, and quite often i fell down and had to scrape myself off the pavement and get back up again. but i did, and i found that there was more than dream guy in the world for me. there was THE WORLD. if that breakup hadn't happened, i NEVER would have moved on to get the job i have, never would have lived overseas, never would have left the small neighborhood in the huge city i lived in. i would have been tied down to something that may or may not have made me happy. i can't try to figure out which way the pendulum would have swung, the universe closed that door for me.
but, back to the movie. it made me think about how good i've got it now. how things have been rough for the last three years, but they're beginning to look up. it's a slow, slow process, certainly. but things are getting better. i'm better and getting back to work soon, hopefully. i'm working on quite a few things around the house, and i've got hubby working on a few projects, too.
and i've been thinking of others. i've been stepping outside myself and thinking of others. it all started on facebook, with a friend that was just having a challenging day. i took a moment and just thought some good things for her, and sent it out into the universe. i don't know if it qualifies as prayer or just a meditation, but i felt a little more at peace when i did so. in the next few days i noticed more and more requests for prayers or good thoughts. so i did the same thing for each of those friends. again, i had that calming sense of peace come over me. i like this. i REALLY like this. i've always tried to do good things and help people, but prayer? i never thought much about it. i don't know what to call it, but i keep sending the good vibes out there and i keep the calm coming to myself. the way of the universe? i don't know. but it feels like the right thing to do at the right time.
so i have a john hughes movie to thank, for making me all weepy and thoughtful. for making me want to change the things i think and feel today, so the things i thought and felt all those years ago seem much less significant. for helping me heal a hurt that i thought could never be healed, by helping others. i don't feel that empty hole in my life so much any longer. it's filled with the hopes for a lot of friends that need hopes. and dreams for others that need dreams. and hugs for those that are hurt themselves and need a good hug. it's amazing what you can accomplish by going back to high school, just in your head, and exorcising those demons. they're gone or diminished so much today. and positivity has taken their place. and that makes me feel pretty in pink.
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