under my thumb

i've been living someone else's life for the past 20 years, approximately.  it's certainly not the one i've been intending to live.  i've let everyone's prejudices and opinions color my thoughts and actions.  no longer will i do that.  i am going to try to live true to my heart.  i've pretty much announced my intentions on this blog, and i've not heard word one from those "friends" that seem to care so much about me.  i haven't heard a peep from them.  i guess i now know what i suspected all along.

as long as i was under their control, thought and action, i was okay as a friend.  but now that i'm fed up, and really trying to find out who i am, at almost 50 years of age, they no longer want to be friends with me.  okay.  so be it.  i'm grateful that i've determined my true intentions and that i am trying to chart my course.  it's going to be very lonely at times, like right now.  i have no one to lean on, but i guess that's what i'm meant to experience, so i know this is what i truly need in my life.

under their thumbs no more.

wrench, please. for the wench, please.

my attitude has needed adjusting.  that's why i haven't been blogging.  the holidays are particularly difficult for me, and i felt as though i was victimized by someone that blogged about my not feeling "connected" to the holidays.  the more people got on their christian high horses, the more pissed off i got.  and that person had to write a blog entry about it.  i'm still hurt by it, as if you couldn't tell.

but i have to move on.  i'm looking for tutors.  i'm looking for a tutor in Turkish and a tutor in Arabic.  it's unfortunately too late to sign up at the local junior college for Arabic I, so i can't take any classes.  there was also a very interesting class on Islam being offered, by a professor i know.  it would have been fabulous to have been able to take those classes, but i found out about them too late.  so i'm going to call and see if i can at least audit the class on Islam.  there are some very good ideals that i would like to learn about.

and i plan on attending my local masjid in the coming year.  save your breath, if you're going to tell me i'm going to hell.  it's very unchristian to judge another person and their religious beliefs.  i've hung out with hari krishnas, sikhs (at yoga conferences, they are FASCINATING people) baha'i, jews, hindis, buddhists, you name it.  no one has EVER told me i'm going to hell if i don't believe what they believe.....only radical christians.  READ THAT AGAIN.  RADICAL CHRISTIANS.  not every christian i know.  but then again there are those mainstream christians that judge me just as much.  i don't judge them.  i'm happy they have faith.  it's something i've been searching for for nearly 40 years. and now i want to explore Islam.  so don't come down hard on me.  be happy for me, wish me well in my journey and pray that i find the peace that i so need to find.

i've been very private about this for a long time, but now i'm putting it out there.  and i truly wish that people can find it in their hearts to be kind and help me along in this journey.  i need a lot of support, because i already know a lot of people are going to turn their backs on me, just because.  and that's their choice.  and that's okay.  if they are that small minded, and they don't see that i'm still the same person, just trying to live by holding myself to a higher standard, is it my loss?  or theirs?  i've cried a lot of tears over this decision.  but in my heart, i know there is peace to be found.  i walked into a mosque on 9/11 and sat for hours talking to men and women, telling my story, and it's a unique story for someone just coming to Islam.  i didn't know what to expect.  but what i got?  genuine caring and concern.  unfortunately i haven't been able to get back to the mosque because i can't drive right now.  but i expect that soon that will change.

i need a new community.  i need to find a way to expand my heart.  and forgiveness is the best way to do so.  i'm kind of hoping i'll be like the grinch in the next few weeks and my heart will grow two sizes, to accept and express all the love i want to get out there.  the bitterness has to go.  there is a lot of love hidden inside.  it just needs the right foil to find its way out.

my side of the story

i don't feel connected to christmas.  never have.  i just don't.  i go through the motions, making it a festive deal for my family, making others happy, trying to force myself to enjoy it, but i end up crying over it because it just doesn't fit.  i can't make it fit.  you can't force something that just won't work, no matter how hard you try.

so today i found out a friend wrote a blog entry about a facebook rant i had about my lack of connection with christmas.  i feel so understood.  maybe she could have asked why i have such an issue with christmas.  maybe she would have found out that my grandmother died just before christmas when i was 6.  that kind of kills it for a kid, don't you think?  but no, i'm a selfish boor that just goes about, destroying the holiday and festivities for everyone else.  banning it for my family, obliterating it from the surface of the map because i have an agenda against christmas.

hardly.  i do whatever i can to make my family happy.  i do so at the risk of my own happiness and sanity.  i get to the edge of reason every year at holiday time.  i make myself bake the cookies, write the cards (okay, when i remember) wrap the presents, put up the tree, plan a huge holiday dinner, listen to all the music when secretly it's ripping me apart.  i do it so that my family can have a pleasant holiday.  i know i'm not going to have a good time, but that's no reason they shouldn't.  and they do have a good time, i see to it.

but i've reached a point in my life when i can't continue the farce.  well, i don't want to continue putting on the face, but i am.  yes, the tree is up.  the presents are bought.  christmas dinner is planned, and i'm planning what i have to do for my husband's family christmas in california.  but i'm selfish if i ask, "what about me?"  you see, i haven't gotten anything out of christmas for many years.  i feel hollow inside.  but that doesn't matter, according to this friend.  i should put my own feelings out of the way (like i have for the last i don't know how many years, and i am again this year) and make everything about everyone else (like i am again this year.)  but i'm selfish, and she's embarrassed for me.  why?  because i had a grandparent die during the holidays and from that point on the holidays didn't hold any joy for me?

you could have just asked.  i play a lot of things close to the vest.  i don't let a lot of people in on a lot of things.  and yes, i tend to rant now and then.  but when people start preaching to me about how christmas is all about "our savior's birth" and they want me to know "THE TRUTH"  (their version, not mine) it starts to seem, well.....preachy.  and i don't like preachy.  i get defensive with preachy.  and the more "they" push, the more defensive i get, until i just get mean and nasty.  hey, it's great that you want to help, but where were you when i really needed help?  when i had surgery and couldn't walk?  was in bed for almost a month? was still trying to clean the house, do the laundry, cook and all for my family, when i was supposed to be in bed healing?  THAT was when i needed the help.  not now.  and i am fighting my way through very painful physical therapy, determined to get back to work, i'm doing all this on my own.  i don't get a lot of help around the house, but i guess that's my fault for not speaking up enough.

so instead of judging someone that is having a tough time with the holidays, why not try to be a little more understanding?  we all have different experiences from our childhoods.  some have great experiences, some are tinged with pain, real deep, cutting pain.  i don't hide from my pain, but i try not to let my daughter see it.  because christmas is for children.  or at least it should be.  i just haven't had a real christmas since i was 6.  but no one even bothered to ask.

emotional rescue

i'm not doing very well at this gratitude thing.  yes, i realize all the material things i have, that many don't, especially this time of year.  but what i really wanted out of this experience was an emotional change.  and i'm finding that i'm sinking back into the depression that got this entire project started, to begin with.

i'm happy that i have a home and that my daughter has clothes, food, warmth and all she needs.  my husband has what he wants.  but what about me?  i put myself on the back burner for everyone else.  there is a profound malaise setting in, and i don't like it one bit.  the arguments are getting nastier and nastier.  and i'm thinking of leaving.  it's that bad for me.  i can't explain it to anyone, they don't seem to understand.  "but your husband loves you, doesn't he?"  yes, he says he does.  but does that mean that's all it takes to make me happy?  am i that much of a simpleton?

no, i'm not.  i realize i'm a very complex woman.  and right now my situation isn't ideal.  not being able to work, having to go through painful physical therapy, not being happy about my appearance, my home, my life in general....i'm frustrated.  and that makes me feel......well, UNGRATEFUL.  and i'm not achieving what i set out to do.

i feel like a fraud.  a farce.  like the joke has been on me the entire time.  i've been trying, honestly.  but what more can i do?  when you finally admit it, and those words, "profound malaise" come out of your mouth, is there anything left that can save the situation?

there are so many issues complicating things right now.  my sleep disorder doesn't help at all.  i'm not cognitively functional most of the day.  i have a very short window of time when i can actually function on any sort of meaningful level.  that's no way to go through life.  i'm not involved in anything because i have no autonomy these days.  i cannot drive.  hell,  can't even walk half a mile without being in pain. i am working on what i need to do, but i'm only one person.  i cannot do it alone.  and i feel like i'm very alone.  isolated, solitary.   and it's just not right for people to be living like this.  i'm surrounded by people, yet i'm alone.  i interact with people but i'm alone.  i live in a small house, full of people, cats, dogs, but i'm still alone.

i need to learn to be grateful in my solitude.  i need an emotional rescue.

butt kicked.

PT today.  my butt was kicked, to the curb and back again.  it was frustrating, i was almost in tears....over catching a fricking ball.  yep, you read that right.  i play catch in PT.  standing on one foot, to test and stress my balance.  i finally got through the exercise, but with MAJOR modifications.  but i got through it.  and i was tired.   boy, was i tired.

i'm working hard to get myself back in shape.  i haven't lost any of the 60-80 pounds that i have to lose, and that bums me out.  i'm really down on myself about that.  but my balance is v e r y  s l o w l y coming  back to me.  it doesn't help that i can trip over ANYTHING that is on the floor, near the floor, 17 feet from the floor, in another room from me, whatever.  i'll find a way to trip.  and that messes up my ankle more.  and stairs.  why do i have to live on the second floor?  and have to take a flight of stairs to get to my flight of stairs?   because i live on the side of a mountain, that's why.  and i walked myself silly this past weekend.  with stairs, too.

and my hips aren't stable, either.  but they are getting there.  the more i work them, the more they rebel and HATE me, the more stable they are.  it's a nasty circle, but a necessary one.  right now, i'm flat on my back, in need of a nap because i didn't sleep last night.  and THAT complicates matters.  i'm not sleeping, so i can't lose the weight to take the stress off my hips, blah blah blah.

but i'm working on it.  i'm working hard.  i'm working like a mad woman....that can't catch a ball.  let me tell you, for me, that's MADDENING!

what's it like to be denied?

my husband has a favorite television program that he watches every night on netflix.  "hell on wheels," a story of how the trans-continental railroad came into being...albeit highly dramatized.  the camp that travels with the railroad is actually called hell on wheels.  nice name for a town, huh?

well, i watched a few episodes with him and it's a very well done show, i'll give him that.  but today it just got to me.  they show these conflicts with the cheyenne tribe in the nebraska territory.  i could watch a few episodes of it, and then i just couldn't keep it bottled up any longer.  i've been denied all my life.

you see, my grandmother is native american.  ojibwa, as far as we know.  but i wasn't told that (but you could see it in my grandmother, so why my parents thought they could fool us by telling us she was "black irish" is beyond me) until i was an adult.  i was denied my heritage until i was an adult.  i was denied the right to know my grandmother, who she really was, until i was grown.  and by then it was too late, she died long before i learned my true heritage at age 22.

so this is how i explain the pain i feel when i see movies that depict "indians" as savages.  i have a hole in my soul.  i don't know who i truly am.  i don't feel "grounded."  i feel like i'm walking with my feet 1/2 an inch above the ground.  and that's because i don't know my true self. i've always been a searcher.  i've searched for what was going to make me complete.  i've always thought that it was religion, though nothing seems to fit.  the closest fit is Islam, but my friends and family are mortified by that revelation.  i'm turning into a heathen.  i'm turning into a savage.  well, guess what folks, i've always been, if you believe hollywood's depiction of indians.

actually, columbus, (don't get me started on him) didn't name us "indians."  he called us, "en dios" or "in God."  meaning people in God.  native people, living of the earth, making their way peacefully, until they had to defend what they had.  but according to the US government, during the great migration, we were all savage heathens, that needed to be brought to God through christianity, or we'd all end up perishing and burning in hell.  never mind that each tribe has their own religion, that worships the earth, ensures stewardship of the planet and of each other, THIS WAS PROGRESS.  and we bloody redskins were standing in the way.  the land didn't belong to anyone.  the land was of itself.  but the government had to lay claim to it, so our ancestors were all pushed on to reservations, in the crappiest lands this country had to offer.  but the railroad got build, the indian languages are mostly forgotten, except for a few individuals that are fighting to bring back native languages, thank you for your efforts.  the country is a melting pot.  so many people claim native heritage.  i have a large portion of my heritage as native, but i don't know anything about it.

i really didn't get to know my grandmother, and what i do remember about her was when she was sick before she died.  but i've always known we had a special connection.   and i know that she's still with me, and SHE is the reason i need to know.  i don't know my mother's family at all.  i never will.  i know a select aunt here or there, but i don't know where anyone is.  i don't know how many uncles i still have alive, if any.  i know one uncle died when he was just a child.  i know of four aunts, my mother is in touch with two of her sisters, i believe.  i know of two uncles, one is dead, the other i have no idea.  if he isn't, it's probably a miracle that he isn't.  i know that alcoholism runs deep in my mother's family, and that her home life wasn't always a happy one.  i remember my grandparents house didn't have central heat or indoor plumbing.  it wasn't a fun visit when we went to see them, especially during the winter.  wood stoves and an outhouse were not creature comforts we "city kids" (a town of 1200, compared to their town of 250 or so) were used to.  they had a small farm, in a very small town.  i'd help my grandfather collect eggs from the chickens.  i can remember picking currants and strawberries in the garden.  i can remember my grandfather trying to get me to eat a peanut butter sandwich, but i didn't like peanut butter as a child.  i can remember him making oxtail soup, which just kind of grossed me out.  i can remember there being a bedroom upstairs, with dolls on a bed, but we were told not to play with them or touch them. i always wondered what the story was behind that, but never had the nerve to ask. what fun is that for a kid?

but most of all, i remember my grandmother's irises.  she grew beautiful flowers.  whenever i see them, i think of her.  and the hole gets a little bigger.

i know we shouldn't wish for things we will never get.  we need to live in the moment.  but i just wish i had more time with my grandmother.  i wish i could have known more about her, her heritage, her life. and not what was dreamt up for us to believe.  and i know she's still with me.  she's always with me.  that's the connection we have.  i've heard her in my head telling me it's going to be alright more times than i can imagine.  i cannot recall her voice, but when i hear it in my head, i know who it is.  she didn't have a special nickname for me or anything, but i can feel her touch on my head, shoulder, just letting me know.  and then i know it's okay.  it's okay to let go and cry because i have done all i can.  and she's  reminding me to live in the here and now.  i think that's part of the ojibwa spirit that i want so badly to understand.

so i'm grateful for what little time i had my grandmother.  she was a force to be reckoned with, from what i have heard.  i have always wished for more, but she's here.  she's always here.  i just hope it will all be okay and i can find that piece of me that's missing.  and i can find that peace in me that is missing.

why do they call it black friday to begin with?

take a bunch of greedy retailers, throw in a plethora of people with credit cards and a mob mentality and what do you get?  the worst day of the year for human behavior, in my opinion.  it's just disgusting.  i've been reading/hearing all day about stampedes happening at stores like victoria's secret, walmart (yuck!) target, you name it.  for what?  a television that costs $100 and is going to last about 1 year, if you're lucky?  trust me, that's about all you're going to get out of it.  and a few bruises, and a bad attitude, and yelled at, A LOT!

hubby and i did that for his former work establishment years ago.  we stood in line, got run over, yelled at, grabbed at, the whole enchilada, all for a television to be given as a door prize at his company christmas party.  the kicker?  he was working that night, so he wasn't even eligible to enter and win.  you had to be in attendance to win any of the door prizes.  so we suffered through the cold, got stepped on, pushed, treated poorly, and he can't even win because he was deliberately scheduled to work that night.  nice.

i just don't get the mob mentality, either.  just because they see someone grab something, 20 other people have to grab the same thing, and then pushing, shoving, fights, you name it, break out.  people get arrested, trampled, assaulted, hurt in various ways.  stuff gets stolen out of cars just because someone didn't get what they "wanted" at a sale.  it's just insane to me.  it doesn't make sense.  so we stay home.  we don't leave the house, if we can help it on "black friday."  and this year we're opting to support more local and small businesses.  when we go out to eat, we try to avoid chain restaurants, simply for the fact that they don't treat their employees very well to begin with.  and then, do you really know what you're getting?  being married to someone who works in the restaurant business, you can imagine the horror stories i've heard about what "veal" and "scallops" really are at some restaurants.  they aren't what you think you're eating.  so, if we do go to a chain, it's one with a REALLY GOOD reputation for their food, and how they treat their people.

we've been talking to our daughter about wants and needs this year.  still, when she wrote her letter to santa, it had 12 items on it.  i haven't read it yet, so i can't say i'm proud or disappointed.  but i thought we had done a better job getting the idea of necessity across to her.  she doesn't want for anything.  she's got a roof over her head, food in her belly, enough clothes, thanks to gram and gramps, to rival a supermodel, an education, two parents, living in the same house, still married to each other, that love her like crazy.  she's got toys all over the place.  there's nothing she's lacking, fundamentally.  but she can still come up with a list of 12 things that she wants from santa.  it makes me shake my head.  i thought i did a better job.  it actually hurts me inside, to think that i can't get the idea of simplicity and simple living explained and understood by her.  she said something about what she thought she would get me for christmas this year, and i thought it was a great idea.  green tea.  i love green tea.  and what a lovely, simple, caring thought!  she gets the idea when she's GIVING, but not when it comes to GETTING gifts.  i cry over the idea of a child not receiving a single present at christmas, yet i'm disgusted by how commercial it has become.  i want to boycott the whole thing, but that wouldn't go over well with my family.

but what would they do if i chose to observe a religion that didn't observe christmas at all?  that would certainly throw a monkey wrench in the whole situation, for sure.   and i'm considering it.  i won't go into details, because it's a personal choice, and it's been a very long journey to try to figure it out.  but suffice to say, christmas isn't a holiday in that religion.  we could do a small celebration, but if we do that, i want it to be ABOUT christmas.  what it means, why we celebrate it at all.  but then we could get into the church capitalizing on pagan holidays to get the pagans to assimilate to christianity.  (that's a big one with hubby.  he gets fired up over that one all the time.  it was just a way to get pagans who were celebrating yule to "come to christ" if you will.  leave your matriarchal religion for a patriarchal one, so men can tell you how to think, what to do, when to do it, who to love, who to hate and who to go to war against and kill.  pagans were governed by nature, and more likely NOT to do things, as to not upset mother earth.   as long as you didn't harm anyone, you could basically love who you wanted, live where you wanted, make a living in whatever manner you wanted, observe how you wanted.  you just couldn't harm or kill another human being.  even the killing of animals was ritualistic, as to not offend the "mother" aspect of the universe.  maybe the pagans had it right.  they didn't want to harm any one.  it was a matriarchal society, agrarian based.  christianity comes into vogue, the men take over, industry takes over and we've got the don drapers of the world selling us the newest, best, biggest, brightest version of whatever we don't need in the first place.  but they're telling us our lives will be so incomplete without it.

can i go back in time and live in a hut and farm goats?  it sounds like much more fun than black friday.  *shudder*

back to business as usual

and.....the insanity starts anew.  we really need a change of venue, this family of mine.  we had a knock at the door about 4:30 pm today.  it was the police.  my first thought was, "what the hell now?"  well, so happy to find out that our next door neighbor has NUMEROUS samurai swords in his house.  AND that those swords are now stuck into furniture.  it seems that he's a bit (understatement?) upset, and might harm himself.  his father is rightfully concerned.  there was an all out intervention happening today.  three police cars, an ambulance, a fire and rescue paramedic unit and a fire truck, all in our little neighborhood.  and he wasn't home.  no one has seen him in days.  his car is here, but he isn't.  and i'm concerned, because i have a child, this man is my next door neighbor, and because i care.

i care enough to not want anything bad to happen to him.  he seems like a nice enough person.  i don't know him all that well.  what i do know is that he went through a very difficult divorce, lost custody of his daughters, and moved next to us, so he could stay close to his girls.  he keeps to himself, mostly.  i haven't seen the girls in a while, so i don't know what is going on with his visitations.  i do know that his brother and nephew are staying with him.  i did see his brother leaving today, but that was early this morning.  since then, nothing.

there really isn't much i can do, honestly.  if i try to reach out to him, and i've tried in the past, he just withdraws.  he's not into having friends, or anyone for that matter, knowing anything about his life.  i know he's unemployed, he was fired from his job.  there seems to be a history of some sort of emotional disorder, but the family has been very vague on that.  we just don't know what to do.  the police have told us to keep our distance, which we will do.  but i'll feel horrible if something were to happen.  i don't know if i could live with myself if i had a chance to help him and i didn't because i was told to keep my distance.

mental illness is such a cruel mistress.  you never really know who you are going to be dealing with, the completely normal person or the one that has been on a no sleep bender and just that side of normal.  the one that rightfully thinks that the neighborhood is gossiping about them or the one that hears people whispering when no one is there.  we don't know what's going on with him right now, and we've been instructed to stay out of everything.  that's what i have to do.  but knowing that he's sick, that he's just not himself right now, that something is going on that is causing his problems, it's bothering me to just stay away.  i'm the sort of person that wants to help.  but on this one, i'm flapping in the breeze.  even if i could help, i can't.  so i just have to say a few good words and hope that he finds himself, and finds himself in time.

so that's how crazy life is right now.  we just got back from a very peaceful, pastoral stay in the mountains.  i got lots of rest, because i sleep so well in the mountains.  i was just doing my mundane day to day tasks when everything but a SWAT team descends on my home.  for a neighbor that keeps to himself and doesn't interact with us, who has gone off the rails.  and now i'm walking on eggshells, because we share a common wall with him, and i don't know what is going to set him off, if he's home, what his triggers are, ANYTHING that can help my family, or help him.  i feel so helpless.  and that's a feeling i do not like.

it's time for us to go.  it's time to take stock of what we really need and pack up and leave this city, the craziness that gets to everyone and just go.  we need to leave, for our own good.  that's the plan.  now we just have to put it into action.  i'm really proud that we've made the decision to scale back on what we need, to actively downsize.  we've decided to live small.  we just have to make it happen.  some days that plan seems more impossible than others.  but it will happen.  for the sake of my family, i have to MAKE it happen.  so, until then, business as usual.

the crying game

so we're back from the mountains.  i'm starting to think of this place, this house that we live in right now as, "the place where we live."  and the mountains more and more as, "home."  after all, home is where your family is, isn't it?  and our family is there, for the most part.  we're getting to know more and more people in the community, actually going to community events, it just seems more like "home" should seem.

we had a birthday party for my sister-in-law this past weekend, and early thanksgiving.  and a lot of fun.  a lot of laughter.  A LOT of laughter.  it was just a great time.  we looked at a few more houses, and we looked at one for a second time.  it just screams, "home" to me.  i can see myself in it.  i really can.  we want to get out of the desert and move to the mountains.  not just for family, but that's an awfully good reason to move.  but for my health, too.

i sleep there.  it's that simple.  i get really good quality sleep in the mountains.  i don't know if it's because the town is in a box canyon, or if there is some sort of mysterious vortex at work, but i SLEEP!  it's the most amazing thing to me.  i can get three nights of really good sleep, and the minute i'm home.....nothing.  is it bad energy?  i am at a loss.  i don't know what's causing it, but something in the mountains is really good for me.  and i'm HAPPY.  i'm less stressed.  i'm joking around, laughing, having fun.  i'm relaxed, i'm not grumpy (even when i don't get coffee!)  and yes, i can drink coffee and get sleep.  i can actually drink MULTIPLE cups of coffee and sleep.  it's like i'm a totally different person.  it's just so.......unnerving.

so we're seriously working on this move.  we know we're not going to be able to sell our place here, so we're going to have to rent it.  we need to get some things fixed up, so we can rent it.  and then we have to find a way to actually purchase another home.  THAT is the challenge.  but i'm sure, if it's meant to be, it will happen.  one way or another.

but for now, i need to take it one step at a time.  this place needs to be put in order.  then we need to decide what we're going to take, because we are going to seriously downsize.  we're going to be living small.  really, really small.  700 square feet or so small.  but that's not a bad thing.  there are only three of us, we can do that.  we may have to rent before we can buy.  we've been looking for rentals, and we found one, not ideal, but we could make it work.  i would live for hotel rooms with bathtubs, though.  but for now, i'm grateful that i know what makes me happy, what makes little one happy, and what seems to make hubby happy, although he was a bit of a grump this weekend.

and one step at a time.  let's get this house in order before we can even think about another house.  one step at a time.

enough is enough

i'm having a really difficult time.  REALLY.  it seems i've lost support from my family.  and when you don't have support from your family, is it really worth it?  so, i guess this is it.

conflicting or conflicted?

we're fighting.  we're not getting along.  and it's all my fault.  again.  it's always my fault.  i'm so tired of being at fault.  i don't do anything right these days.  are we conflicting or conflicted?

i started this project to feel better about myself.  i didn't do this to slight anyone else in my life, and i don't think i have.  but simultaneously, we (my husband says that means *I*) started another project, the SNAP project.  living on what a family of three would have in SNAP benefits.  that's $203 for one month.  and i know we've gone over budget this month, already.  i can't get him to sit down and add up totals with me, and that's starting fights.  and where he thought it was a GREAT idea, and suggested we do this for 6 months to a year, not the 3 months i originally proposed (because that wouldn't be enough time to get the hang of it) now he wants to quit the whole thing.  because, he says, SNAP is SUPPLEMENTAL.  people that receive food stamps are spending money and this is supplemental income that they get to use.  well, that's not the point of the exercise.  the point is to see if we can live,  and be healthy, and GRATEFUL (see, i snuck that one in on him, when he wasn't looking) on a very slim budget.  now he wants to change the rules.  sorry pal, the game is already in progress and we cannot go back to the beginning and change the rules.

am i being a hard ass on this?  i started this DELIBERATELY in november because of thanksgiving day.  i wanted to express my gratitude and gratefulness of what we have, and how our lives aren't filled with daily challenges.  little one hasn't gone to bed one night hungry.  in fact, last night she chose to go to bed with no dinner, because she just wasn't hungry at all.  i'd say that's a small victory.  she wasn't whining about not getting what she wants to eat, she wasn't whining about not getting dessert, she just said she wasn't hungry, she was really tired, and went to bed.  she crawled in with me in the middle of the night because she couldn't sleep, but really, i know it was just to be close.  she's just turned eight today, and she's still my little girl.  and i'll let her be my little girl as long as she wants to be.  but when she starts whining, i call her on it.

so there hasn't been any complaining from her.  she's happy, for the most part.  we're having an issue with her lunches at school, but that's another issue altogether.  that has to be handled by the school.  but on my end, she's content.  but hubby is a malcontent.  he just doesn't want to go along with the game.  and that's making me doubt myself.  did i make the wrong decision trying to do this?  what was i trying to prove?  am i just do damned stubborn that i just have to have my way?  after all, he did think this was a great idea, at the start.  then when he realized he couldn't go out to restaurants as much as he'd like, he doesn't like the idea?  btw, we've had restaurant meals three times in the last two weeks, and i'm not happy about that.  do i need to just adjust my attitude?  i'm trying to succeed at this, but i have a partner that is undermining me at every turn.

and that starts to affect my mood, and this project.  i've been crying again.  and that isn't good.  i'm frustrated again.  ditto on the good part.  and that makes me feel like the most ungrateful bitch there ever was.   i feel like a bully.  i feel like i'm pushing my will on my family.  i thought this was a great idea, and i had support.  now i feel like i'm fighting a battle on my own, and everyone around me is doing their best to make sure i fail.  and it hurts.  and that sets me back a couple of months.  i feel like i never started this project.  i feel like i'm back in that dark place that was so frightening and lonely.  and i don't want to be there.

do i just give in?  give up?  let it all go?  the point seems to be lost because my gratitude and optimism has been defeated by one person and their attitude toward my projects.  they signed on, but now want to change everything.  do i just let them?  for the sake of family harmony, do i just give in and let my husband change the rules of my project, the rules that he agreed to, to suit HIS liking?  or just chuck the whole thing and pretend that it never happened?  if i do that i'll surely sink back into the abyss that i was just crawling out of.  maybe that's what he wants.  maybe he wants me so miserable that i only depend on him providing my happiness, by way of support and love.  but without communication, is it really worth struggling for?

maybe i'm just in a momentary funk.  maybe i'll get a good night's sleep and i'll wake up and the world will be fine.  but chances of that happening are right up there with winning the lottery.  i'm trying to be optimistic.  i WAS achieving that, but lately?  the arguments, the conflicts have just sucked the life out of me.  and when i get like this, i just shut down.  and i'm getting damned close to shutting down.  and i DON'T want to be that person, ever again.  but i'm being pushed and pushed.  and the only safety i know is to retreat.  napoleon would be proud.  but then again, look how things turned out for him.

meanwhile, back at the ranch...

okay, i'll admit it.  i've been getting a little sidetracked lately.  and i've been letting little things get me down.  i haven't been working on this gratitude thing as much as i'd like to.  so today, i just took the day off.  literally, just did nothing.  well, next to nothing.  the laundry doesn't do itself, after all.

i didn't cook dinner, although i did plan dinner.  i didn't plan on eating dinner, either.  i nibbled.  i fed one of the cats some of my dinner, the other didn't seem to be interested.  i know, bad kitty mommy.  i didn't do the dishes either.  as far as avoidance, today I ROCKED!

but i have to get back on this horse.  i need to get refocused on what it is to be grateful.  to express gratitude.  to appreciate and to express that appreciation.  so today i'm giving myself a pass.  maybe it was the coffee i had last night.   i didn't fall asleep until the sun was up.  that, in itself, will make you want to do nothing all day.

and i'm not even sure anyone is reading.  but that isn't what this is about, either.  it would be FABULOUS to find out that people are reading my little blog, but i highly doubt it.  especially now.  we've just survived an election cycle, people are bitching and making excuses left and right, why even think about gratitude?  who needs it?

WE ALL DO!  and that's my point.  there's SOMETHING to be grateful for, in even the most dire of experiences.  we just have to look for it.  we've become a nation of instant gratification junkies.  if it isn't right there in front of our faces, we don't want to have anything to do with it.  and i admit, i've been guilty of that.  and i'm trying to change.  i'm really working on it.  it's a struggle some days, others it's so easy.  today it was just a pull the covers over my head and ignore the world type of day.  tomorrow, i doubt that it will be such a day.  it shouldn't be.  i don't want it to be.  and THAT says a lot.

so i just keep trying.  i'm going to try to simplify one thing a week, maybe.  that's kind of a difficult assignment to give myself.  i'm a very detail oriented person, and simplification is such a foreign concept.  but i've been wanting a simpler life.  so i need to start doing things to make that life simpler.  so i need to start acting on that.  i imagine i'll make lists, i'm great at making lists.  i'm just not that great at following through on those lists.  but maybe organizing one aspect of my house in a week or a month?  is that an outrageous task?  (and here i thought i was taking the day off.  there i go again!)

we'll see what thoughts tomorrow brings.  but hey, the laundry is done.

all this for.....insomnia?

i don't know if i mentioned it, but i had a sleep study last month.  what a lot of fun that is.  go to the sleep center, they watch you all night, monitor you all night, find out what's going on.  why are you so tired when you wake up?  why aren't you getting proper sleep?  what's going on when the lights go out?

when it comes to me, the answer is......i'm not sleeping.  i could have told them that!  my official diagnosis was.......wait for it.........insomnia.  hey, that's great.  tell me something i didn't know.  i'm only at "sleep efficiency" of 27%, whatever that means.  i guess it means i'm not sleeping.  and now there's discussion of testing me for.....narcolepsy?  i can't remember the last time i fell asleep when i wasn't attempting to fall asleep.

so we don't know what's going on.  i'm just not sleeping.  and it's getting more and more severe, and causing more and more problems.  so what is there to be grateful about this?  well, i don't have sleep apnea, for one thing.  i don't stop breathing in my sleep.  that could be really scary.  and we're on our way towards finding a solution, i hope.  i have a physician who is compassionate, and who cares.  she's concerned with the test results, and my level of exhaustion.  and the fact that i'm just not who i was a few years ago.  i've dealt with insomnia for many years, but it's just gotten to be too much.  it's gotten to the point where it's all consuming my life.  it's work to try to fall asleep.  i take my sleep meds (yes, i said meds, i'm on more than one for sleep. that's how desperate this is) at 9:00 pm.  i don't fall asleep until 4 or 4:30 am.  what good am i at that point?  i can't get anything accomplished during the day because i'm wrecked.  i spend most of my time TRYING to sleep.

so it goes without saying, but i'm saying it, i'm so grateful that i have a husband that understands that this is a serious issue.  he knows what i go through.  he sees my frustrations.  he has seen me look like a zombie, and have problems trying to focus and concentrate.  he's actually sent me to bed, told me he didn't want to see me for the rest of the day, when he has a day off.   and he's working like crazy to try to keep us afloat.  i don't know what i would have done these last two years without him.  i probably would have been checked into a hospital a long time ago, and my parents would have my daughter right now.

i wish i could relay how it feels to be so sleep deprived, so desperate for sleep that you just can't function any longer.  people always tell me, "i know how you feel, i get so tired."   no, you don't know how i feel.  i feel like crap.  it's a clinical condition, it's not pulling an all-nighter.  it's 4-5 years of deprivation so vast that there is no catching up on the deficit.  it's not having a cup of coffee in the morning because you don't know how your body is going to react to caffeine that day.  that's so unfair. i've had to almost completely give up coffee.  it's being in such a fog that you don't hear people when they're speaking directly to you.  i wish it were easy to explain.  it just isn't.  but there are days, there are  those rare, very few days, when i get a good amount of sleep, and i just feel fantastic.  i feel like my old self.  those days, sadly, are long gone.

but, i have my husband.  and i thank him for everything he does to help our family.  i wish i could reciprocate at this time.  there will come a time when i'll be back in working order, and things will get better.  but until then, i can dream...daydream, that is.

come together, right now......please?

election 2012 is history.  President Obama has been reelected.  in my state, my choice of candidate for state senator lost her election, and it appears she is retiring from public life.  that's a tough loss for our state.  30 years serving the public in one capacity or another, and she's calling it quits.  it was an ugly, expensive campaign.  this was an ugly expensive year, all around.  no one came out unscathed.

but there are some signs of progress and hope.  new hampshire will be led by all women.  we have the first openly LGBT senator elected, as well as the first disabled senator elected.  marriage equality became a HUGE issue, with two states pushing it to the forefront of their ballots, and voting YES!  and two states voted to decriminalize person use possession of marijuana.  i think that says a lot about how far this country has come.  we're more open and accepting, and willing to stand up for each other.

don't get me wrong, we're still terribly divided.  now the healing begins.  we need to stop the bipartisan games and come together as one nation.  the last four years now seem to be such a waste.  when mitch mcconnell goes on the record as saying the republican party's main goal is to see that our president is a one term president, and they are unsuccessful in that......have they destroyed their party?  they've seriously damaged their credibility, in my opinion.  but that's behind us.  i'm hoping it's FAR behind us.

Mr. Romney's concession speech was gracious, kind and sincere.  he spoke from the heart.  i hope he can be a motivating influence in the republican party, as THAT person we saw tonight.  speak from the heart, be sincere, screw what the spin doctors and demographic gurus say.  speak from the heart.  THAT'S how we're going to heal this nation.  by crossing party lines and forgetting what side of the aisle we're supposed to be on.  JUST DO THE RIGHT THING.  don't kill a jobs bill that you sponsored because the President mentioned it in his nomination speech.  that's just spiteful, hateful and hurtful.  and we don't need that petty shit to continue.

i'm grateful that i live in a nation that affords me the right to speak my mind.  to call my elected leaders on their behaviors.  to hold them accountable for their actions.   and to make my voice heard at the ballot box.  now, if we could just do something about that electoral college business.  i think that the public IS informed enough now that we can be trusted to elect our president, without delegates speaking for us.  but that's another post, entirely.

i'm grateful that people got out and voted.  especially those on the east coast, and in florida.  the people that stood in line for HOURS to cast their ballots.  they were determined to vote.  and they did.  and i'm grateful to the first time voters in this country.  you got to take part in this process for the first time.  be proud of that.  it doesn't really matter which candidate you supported, you got out there and cast your vote.  you weren't apathetic and let someone else make that decision for you.  YOU DID IT!  and that's a wonderful thing.

i'm grateful for all the volunteers that worked both sides of the campaign.  four years ago i worked for (then) senator Obama.  it was one of the most rewarding experiences i've ever had.  i couldn't do so this time, because i had surgery right in the middle of the heaviest campaigning push.  but i was always kind and talked to canvassers, callers, no matter which side they were calling from.  i appreciate the work they did.  it's hard, arduous work.  long hours, exhausting work.  but it needs to get done.  and it does.  so to all those volunteers, THANK YOU.

and i'm grateful that we have a democratic process that, while it may not be perfect (that pesky electoral college thing again) it does work.  sometimes we're swayed the wrong way.  sometimes we elect someone that was so charismatic during the campaign, but just loses steam once they take office.  but sometimes we get it right.  i hope we got it right tonight.  i'm tired, but i'm going to sleep with a slight smile of satisfaction on my face.  we've come a long way.  who would have thought?  decriminalizing pot, gay marriage and a two term mixed race president?  an openly gay senator?  women leading a state from the governor to the US representatives, to the US senators, all women.  a record number of women will be serving in congress this next term.  19, possibly 20 (one race is still too close to call.)  but we have a long way to go on that one, too.  but we're working on it.  maybe america is turning a corner.  maybe we're starting to realize that we're really not that different, after all.  maybe we just decided to start looking out for our neighbor, or someone we don't know, instead of just our own interests.  isn't that a great thought?  now THAT would be something to really be grateful for.  i'm going to go out on a limb.  i think that's what's going on here in this country.  we're starting to care about each other.  and i'm really, truly grateful for that.

life comes full circle

my friend, beno, had a heart transplant today.  i'm not sure how long he'd been on the waiting list, but he got the news about 1 am that he was receiving a donor heart.  as happy news as that is for his family, you have to see the other side of it.

somewhere, someone lost their life.  and that family made the decision to let their loved one go.  to allow their organs to be harvested for transplants and give the gift of life, sight and health to others.  it's a selfless act that i fully endorse.  i've made my wishes known to my family to be an organ donor myself.  i can only imagine what the donor family went through.

i've had to deal with death and dying a lot in my life.  quite a lot.  mostly during my childhood.  i was surrounded by it.  i had grandparents that died suddenly.  neighbors that were elderly and past away unexpectedly.  i had classmates killed in accidents.  and a very good family friend died from cancer, at a very young age.  that one shook me to the core, and still leaves me confused to this day.  i've seen it from the very sterile aspect, i've seen it from the emotionally charged, fully attached side.  i've seen it from most angles.  but i've never seen it with a family member, and been asked that difficult question, "do you wish to donate their organs?"  i give a lot of credit to grief counselors that have to handle that question.  i could never do it.  i could never look someone in the eye, with the express intent to get them to sign a document allowing a hospital to basically dissect their loved one and source out their bits and pieces.  i couldn't do it.  but they do it every day, and they do it with compassion and grace.

and that brings me back to my friend.  he has a wife.  he has a young son.  he isn't very old himself, a year or two older than i.  he's been dealing with heart disease for a long time.  he has known that this was his reality, that the chances were slim that a healthy donor would be found in time.  but that miracle happened.  i'm not a very religious person, but i've been praying off and on all day, for him and his family.  and now i'm adding the family of the donor.  someone had to die in order for my friend to live. and that is a very hard thing to wrap your head around.  someone had to lose their life so my friend could live.  and i know this man, he's pretty selfless.  the thought of hoping for a donor heart had to be a difficult one for him, because he was, in effect, wishing for someone to die.  but it isn't meant in that spirit, i don't mean to be flip about that.  but it is a reality.  in order to receive the donor heart, someone had to die.  it's the circle of life, but there is no hakuna matata here.  it is just cold, hard fact.

so tonight i am most grateful for an anonymous family that is grieving.  that lost someone they love.  but rose above that, and gave my friend, and probably many more, the gift of life.  i am thankful that such selfless people, such compassionate human beings still exist in this world.  if i met them, i would thank them profusely.  i would be crying with them, like i am right now.  i feel selfish, though.  my friend gets to live.  i know he's going to have a very rough road ahead of him.  he's got to be so careful, cautious about everything he does.  but i also know that he will look at every day as a gift.  his life has been extended.  he'll get to see his son grow a little more, into a fine man.  he and his wife will have more years together.  and his best friend will be waiting to play more jokes on him, i know he will.  you see, family isn't just the family you are born with.  we make our families as we go through life.  and i have a huge family in the drum and bugle corps world.  and beno is part of that family.  and god smiled down on him today.

and beno, with his undying sense of humor, his ability to laugh at everything, his big, damaged heart, smiled back.  and life came full circle.  he's going to continue to laugh at everything, but with his new, bigger, better, undamaged, and even more caring heart.  i just know he will.

so please, tonight after you read this, or whenever you read this, think a good thought for my friend.  say a few good words to God, Buddha, Allah, whomever you believe in.  hug your family, tell them you love them.  and smile.  always smile.  life is difficult enough, without stuff like this thrown at us.  if you are so inclined, think of donating to help my friend and his family.  they could use all the help and support we can give them.  and please, please, smile for my friend.  the man with the huge heart and the smile for everyone.  and hopefully many, many more years to give both of those gifts to the world.

keep pushing on

gratitude.  grateful.  gracious.  i have to keep those words in the foreground of my life.  i have to keep reminding myself that i'm trying to achieve something here.  i don't know if anyone is reading this, and i don't even know if it matters.

what does matter is that i get my thoughts down.  i make sure that i express my feelings each and every day.  i haven't been journaling as i should be.  i've been focused on this blog.  i'm trying to change my life, you see.  i'm trying to bring about such a dramatic change that i don't even think i can comprehend it.

pessimist meet optimist.  i've always been rather negative.  and now, at the ripe old age of you have no business knowing,  i've had enough of that.  i need to be an optimistic person.  i need to be uplifted.  i need hope.  i need to be such a ray of sunshine that hope just bounces off of me.  yes, i'm melodramatic, but that's how i need to express the change that needs to happen in my life.  and it's all because of something that happened one day.

i stopped crying.  i was upset, i was physically, mentally, emotionally upset.  i was just wasted.  i couldn't go on.  i can't remember what it was that caused such a crack in the façade, but i just couldn't go on.  i got nasty, mean, ugly.  terrible to people.  i refused to leave the house under any circumstances.  and i was so upset, so despondent, that i just wanted to sit down and cry.  so i did.  i sat down on my bed.  drew the blinds.  sat in as much darkness as i could, and tried to cry.  and i couldn't.   i thought of the saddest thing i could.  i couldn't muster up a tear.  nothing.  had i lost my ability to cry? to show emotion?  what the fuck was going on?  i had become so hardened that i couldn't do anything without being mean and cruel.  it had to change.

i was headed down a road i didn't like.  and then i ran straight into two texas assholes and their friends that brought about the "breakdown."  nothing like being told you're a waste of a human being and that you're going to hell because of something that WAS DONE TO YOU many years ago.  i'm the victim, and i'm going to hell.  well, fuck you.  and the berating i got, the words that were thrown in my direction, the names i was called.....i.....snapped.  i lost touch with reality for three days.  i couldn't get out of bed.  and suddenly, all i could do was CRY.  and i cried.  and screamed.  and got my voice back.  and found my power.  and decided right there and then that my life was going to change, and it was going to matter.

so that's what this project is all about.  those of you that are my friends, that stood by me during those very dark days, thank you.  you are my heart.  if it wasn't for you, i wouldn't have been able to focus myself on turning it around.  i'm grateful that i've been given a second chance.  GRATEFUL.  GRATITUDE.  i'm practicing those things each day.  in some small way.  i'm trying to be kinder to others and to myself.  maybe this will make a difference in someone's life.  maybe not.  maybe i'm wasting my time by writing.  i hope not.  but it's helping me.  so i keep pushing on.

Pro-Child, Pro-Choice (for Olivia)

for some, this is going to be a polarizing blog entry.  but i feel i need to clarify something for a few people.  unfortunately, those people probably will never stumble upon my blog and read what i have to say.

i was reading the Huffington Post today. specifically, this article.  after reading it, i cried for the author.  it could have been me.  it could have very easily been me.

i was told four days after my 35th birthday that i would never have children.  my FSH was way out of balance.  my hormones were all over the place.  i was having two or three periods a month, and there was no change in any of my life habits.  i had been trying to lose weight, and the Atkins diet was all the rage.  i followed it to the letter, and couldn't lose a pound.  my ob/gyn was concerned about that.  he ordered a battery of tests and that's when i got the news that changed my life.

"you didn't want to have kids anyway, did you?" he said jokingly.  you see, all my friends that went to the same doctor had already had all their children or didn't want to get pregnant.  i was on birth control, but it wasn't regulating my periods.  there was something definitely wrong.  i broke down.  i lost it.  i was uncontrollably sobbing, almost screaming in his office.  when he realized his mistake, he bolted out of the room and sent his nurse in to calm me down.  no go.  i told her to send him back in, i wanted a full explanation.  and that's when he said the words that hung around my neck like an albatross.  i was already starting menopause.  childbearing was out of the question.  just give up on the idea, you'll be happier in your life if you don't dwell on what you can't have.  easy words, coming from a man.

two weeks later, i was with my best friend, in the colorado mountains, at a yoga retreat.  i had signed up for a seminar given by shiva rea entitled, "embracing the feminine."  this was months before the news in the sterile doctors' office.  i sat there, on my purple hugger mugger mat, stretching, warming up my muscles, intent on listening to this woman, this yogini, this blond california goddess to tell us how to, "embrace the feminine" in our own lives.  things didn't go as planned.  i was definitely in the wrong place, at the wrong time.  it was a seminar about our menstrual cycles, how to embrace the divine of womanhood.  how to learn to capitalize on that which men cannot understand.  the mystery of the moon and her secrets for all women.  i lost it again.  i gathered up my purple hugger mugger mat, put my shoes on, and bleary eyed, trying not to be hysterical, excused myself from the room.  as i reached the door, i was sobbing uncontrollably again.  one of shiva's assistants came running out after me, to see what was wrong.  i just flung myself on the ground, crying and shaking as i tried to explain that it wasn't her, it was me.  it was my life.  it was being told i was already menopausal at 35, and there was no more, "feminine" for me.  she was kind, she was polite.  she tried to convince me to rejoin the group, but no, i stood my ground.  this was not for me, at this time.  i hiked it up to the main lodge to wait for my friend to finish her class.  it was the most solitary and lonely 90 minutes of my life.  just me and my thoughts of how my body had failed me, before i even asked it to consider having children!

fast forward a number of years, three or four, i can't remember which.  i decided i wouldn't let this define me.  i bought my own home, i got my life in order.  i was working hard and achieving goals at my job.  i got rid of a lazy, good for nothing, abusive boyfriend, and was single and happy by myself.  i didn't feel rushed into anything, i just sort of let things happen at their own pace.  i hadn't been on a date in three years, but i didn't care about that, either.  finally, two friends decided there was someone they both wanted me to meet.  i kept saying no.  we exchanged emails and phone calls.  that led to the first date being suggested.  well, thank goodness, i was working.  dodged the bullet that time.  i just wasn't comfortable.  i didn't know if i wanted to date anyone.  it had been a long time.  the previous relationship was one that took up a lot of years, and it wasn't particularly a good, supportive relationship.  it was rather one sided.  he was a taker.  and when he didn't get his way, he lashed out in different ways.  and then, when it finally got physical, i had the courage to say enough!  did i want to open myself up to that again?  i didn't think so.

so this conversational stuff goes on for another month or two.  i have to be in L.A. for a meeting, so i finally say, what the heck?  go out, it's just dinner.  he had everything going against him.  he was divorced, had a child, and was older than me.  his car?  oh, don't get me started!  it was a mess!!!  i don't know why i agreed to a second date, not that he called right away.  he didn't call for two months or some strange amount of time.  he was rather full of himself, or so i thought.  but i went out.  and it wasn't a disaster.  and i went out again, and again. and pretty soon we were in a relationship.  and i had to drop the bomb.  "i can't have children."  you would have thought i had said, "i can't have pickles," for all it mattered.  it DIDN'T matter.  i got to know his daughter, we slowly developed a relationship as friends.  i told her i was never going to be her mom, i never wanted to take her mom's place, that's not who i was.  i hope she appreciated it.  high school is such a confusing time.  i started staying with them before my trips, after my trips, when i could.  and then 9/11 came along.  and i was stuck in orange county.  not so far from home, but i couldn't get home.  we'd been dating for less than 3 months at that point, but things kind of gelled then.  we just moved right along.  sometimes it was hard, sometimes it was downright miserable.  but i had that thing about having kids off my back, like the proverbial monkey.

two years later, we get married.  call me crazy.  i never saw myself getting married, but we got married. when my friends ask, i say, "he makes me laugh."  and he does.  plus he puts up with my crap.  we weren't trying to get pregnant, but we weren't not trying to get pregnant.  he told me to stop putting synthetic hormones in my body (aka birth control) it wasn't good for me, it increased the risk for cancer, and if i got pregnant, we'd take it from there.)  big talk, i thought.  okay, we'll take the jump.

six months later, i'm coming off a vacation month and i get up to 32.000 feet altitude, and i'm sick.  throwing up sick.  locked in the lav, apologizing to my flying partners for running to the lav to puke one more time.  "i must have a sinus infection or an ear infection coming on," i say.  nope.  they tell me i'd better go pick up an e.p.t.  i remind them that i can't have kids.  silly women!  they all laugh at me, yeah, right.  just go pick one up, they say.  i ignore this.  then i start thinking about when my last period was.  i can't remember.   well, i'm going through menopause, right?  nothing unusual about this.  i continue my trip, continue getting sick, continue trying to convince myself that it's an ear infection.  and pick up an e.p.t. on my way home from the airport.  just so i can laugh back at them.  ha!  told you it was an ear infection.

i take my little urine stick to the bathroom on a sunday morning.  i have to pee like crazy.  put the cap on, set it on the counter and this is the longest three minutes of my life.  i can't even get myself to look at it.  i wake up hubby from a sound sleep and ask him what the test says.  he replies, "you passed."  what the hell does THAT mean?  the next morning, i call my g.p., make an appointment, and continue to fly, because it has to be confirmed by a doctor to be an "official pregnancy."  i wonder what an "unofficial pregnancy" is.  so i go in, pee in a cup, get the test and she tells me i'm pregnant.  how the hell did that happen?  i mean, i'm already going through menopause, right?  she wants to know who told me that because, no, i'm not.  now i'm determined not to go back to my ob/gyn, so she sends me to her ob/gyn.  i'm high risk, because i'm over 40.  so i go to the perinatologist.  we have our genetic counseling, which really isn't much of anything.  has anyone in your family had this?  this?  this?  well, all the answers were no, so no big.  okay, let's get the ultrasound done.  that's when i get the shock of my life.  i'm already in my second trimester.  i'm 14 weeks pregnant.  the doctor says we're doing the amniocentesis today because there's very little time to waste, if we want to terminate the pregnancy.  terminate?   why would we want to terminate?  he gets very serious then.  you're over 40, the odds of down syndrome is greatly increased.  there are other birth defects, like the ones the author of this article had to face, that could be factors.  the list goes on and on.  my head is swimming.  and now i have to go through this procedure?  what if i don't?  we quickly discuss it, and decide to have the amnio.  i don't even have to take off my clothes, i just have to pull up my shirt, they swab my belly with that horrible brown liquid that never comes off, i'm watching the needle go in.  I'M WATCHING THIS!  it's all a bit surreal.  they take a small amount of amniotic fluid and then they are done.  i get a band-aid on my stomach, a sheet of instructions, sent home, told to rest and that's that.  i'm really pregnant.   i mean, i'm really, really pregnant.  heartbeat, the whole thing.  it's really sinking in.  what have i done?

then comes the longest week of my life.  we're waiting for the results of the amnio.  to find out if there are any abnormalities, any birth defects.  we're up against the clock, because if the fetus isn't viable, we're running out of time for termination.  there's that word again.  terminate.  they don't call it an abortion.  they don't call it a baby.  they call it a termination of an unviable pregnancy or termination of an unviable fetus.  we finally get the call.  thankfully, everything is fine.  a healthy baby....do we want to know?   yes.  a healthy baby girl.  from that point on, i'm super cautious, if i wasn't before.  okay, except for the grand canyon hiking trip at 6 months, maybe.  i'm walking, i'm eating well, but the nausea. ugh!

i'm one of the lucky ones.  everything is going great.  until my birthday.  at 7 months along, i suddenly have breathing problems.  i collapse at home, end up in telemetry for a week and become the sideshow of the unit.  my perinatologist is wonderful, and comes to see me a few times.  he's really concerned about how everything is going.  my ob stops by to check.  they never did find out what was going on.  within a week, all symptoms cease, i'm home and all is well again.  we never did find out what was going on.  but it scared me enough to tell my husband that if anything were to happen he was to save the baby.  baby came first.  my life came second.  i made him promise over and over again.  i made one of the nurses tell me she heard that.  i asked if i had to put it in writing.  no, they would do what they had to, if they had to.  but they didn't have to.

on november 13, after having been induced on november 12, our daughter was born. she was beautiful, healthy, and perfect.  she's been the light of my life.  i love her with all my heart.  and it's because of her that i still vote for pro-choice candidates.  if, after reading this, you come to the conclusion that i'm just another woman who is chasing women out to get abortions, you really don't get the pro-choice movement.  would i have an abortion?  i honestly can't say.  but i believe it should be a safe, legal option.  and it's for my daughter that i keep voting pro-choice.  i've been accused of being a baby murderer, which is so far from the truth, it's laughable.  i've been called all kinds of names because of my staunch stance on this issue.  Roe v. Wade made abortion legal in this country.  and i believe, as long as the supreme court upholds this case, i will continue to support pro-choice legislation.

i'm proudly Pro-Child and Pro-Choice.   i hope this helps someone, anyone understand that there is a difference in being Pro-Choice, but not choosing to have an abortion yourself.  there's a big misunderstanding as to what a Pro-Choice person believes.  i'm pro-choice, i wanted to have a child with all my heart.  and i was confused and offended when my caregivers started talking about, "racing the clock" and "unviable fetuses" and "termination."  would i have?  we never really discussed it.  all i knew is that i wanted to be a mommy.  but i still defend another woman's right to make that choice for herself, as heartbreaking as it can be.

so today, i am grateful that i live in a nation that allows women the right to govern their bodies.  and tonight, tomorrow, and until the end of time i am grateful for Olivia.  the light of my life.  the one that was meant to be here.  even when she won't clean up her room.  baby girl, i love you, to the moon and back.  i love you best of all.  i love you most.  you are my sunshine, you always will be.  and i hope you have the same opportunities that i had when you grow up.

i love you always,

mom

when two become one...

it seems that my gratitude project is having an unexpected side effect on my family.  we've decided to take the SNAP (formerly food stamp) challenge.  a family of three is allotted $203 per month in assistance.  we're going to budget $203 per month for food.  hubby and i decided to do this for 3 months, but after much discussion and thought, he changed his mind and decided to expand it to 6 months, reserving the option to go for a year, if he feels we're succeeding at this.  so two blogs are having a profound effect on my family.  i'm a happier person, AND we're going to get healthier with our eating habits.

this should be an interesting time for us.  we'll learn what gratitude to have a meal on the table is truly like.  we're going to be shopping sales, learning to cook in different ways, eat more grains and less meats (YEA!) i'm going to have to learn to use coupons.  i admit, i've never used them before.  i'm going to have to sit down with my friend jessie, a coupon queen, and learn how to do this.  we're going to have to shop at different stores.  produce is still going to be a big part of my budget, but i'm going to try to figure out how to build a cold frame, so i can continue to grow certain things, like lettuces, carrots and spinach on the patio.  i'm going to have to find a barrel or trash can to grow potatoes in.  we're going to have to find a way to store apples so we can buy them when they're on sale, because little one loves her apples.  i don't have access to a root cellar, i don't know of a single house in vegas that has a basement, so that's out.  cold storage is going to have to be on the patio.  it's going to be a learning experience for all of us!

i didn't happen to think that this was just a nutrition experiment.  oh, no.  i wanted to teach my child the value of what she has.  it's important to me that she have a full tummy, and she go to bed each night happy and healthy.  but i want her to experience how many of the families we live around go through their day to day existence.  how many of her classmates live.  i want her, and us, to appreciate all the gifts we have been given in this life.  we're very fortunate to live in the day and age that we do.  i want to be able to appreciate it more.  through fresh eyes.

so restaurants are out, home cooking is in.  bread making is going to be my biggest past time.  we'll be going through a lot of it, i imagine.  we'll still find the time and money to celebrate thanksgiving, it just might be a less traditional one.  i'm going to learn all kinds of new techniques and new foods.  and we're going to shop in place we've never considered before.  gratitude begins at home.  i want to be grateful for everything that i have.  and i want to let those things that i no longer need find a happy home.  this can be a very good win-win situation, if we're all dedicated to making it work.  i'm going to need a lot of support on this.  i know there will be days when i'm weak.  i'm counting on ANYONE that's is reading to hold me to this.

if you have any suggestions, recipes, ideas, thoughts, questions...by all means, PLEASE leave a comment.  i'll do my best to answer them as honestly (and as seriously, no sarcastically) as i can.  i'm hoping i have some support out there.  this is a HUGE undertaking for a woman that is used to a very european manner of shopping.  go to the market on the day you are making something, buy it, take it home and cook it.  it's also a very EXPENSIVE manner of shopping.  time to shake things up and change them.  and to learn to be grateful and gracious with what we have been given.  so.....let's hear it.  let me know what you think.  am i crazy?  is it a nobel undertaking?  a brilliant idea?  or just plain cuckoo?  i want to hear from you, ANY OF YOU.

the experiment begins november 1, 2012 and runs through at least, may 1, 2013.  wish us luck!

the word or the day is awkward....

it's really amazing what 72 hours in the mountains can do for me.  i get up in that air, and all the stresses just seem to melt away.  the air is so crisp and fresh.  the smell of pine and cedar are so heady, it almost makes me drunk.  and then the smoke from fires burning in fireplaces and wood stoves?  just adds to it. that smell takes me back to my childhood.

my maternal grandparents didn't have central heat in their house.   i don't think they even had a furnace.  i know they had a pump in the kitchen to bring water in for cooking and cleaning.  there was an outhouse, which was rather um, an experience for a townie kid.  my grandfather had a little bit of land, and a large garden or small farm, whichever you choose to call it.  he had chickens, he had a cow for a while, i remember.  i can remember picking strawberries, currants, peas, beans, digging potatoes, helping out in the garden with things like that.  and i did so at our own house, too.  we had raspberries and a garden that rotated crops every year.  constants were lettuces, tomatoes, beans.  we each got to choose a crop a year.  i can remember the zucchini year, far too many zucchini!  the popcorn year, that was fun.  mine was the pumpkin year.  we had pumpkins galore!  our neighbors grew wonderful potatoes, and we helped them plant, tend and dig (harvest) the potatoes.  a lot of hard work, but for kids, it was good work.

but this brings me back to this weekend.  we went to visit family, in the southern california mountains.  i sleep so well there.  i actually get rest.  the water is the best water EVER!  sunday, before we were leaving, we stopped over at the real estate office to see if there were any new listings.  there were two.  we looked at one, and i didn't like it from the get go.  i saw potential, but i also saw a money pit.  we went back to the office, with every intention of leaving, and hubby saw another listing on the board.  well, why not check that one out, too?

awkward is the first word that comes to mind.  tiny, awkward, almost unworkable, and i'm completely in love with the place.  yes, it could be a money pit, too.  but at least it's a LIVABLE money pit, at least for a year or two, until we can get things going.  small projects can take up most of the time, until the big stuff has to happen.  and there's big stuff.  but it can be a GREAT house.  i've been wanting to "live small."  and this would be doing just that.  734 square feet.  we'd have to really purge our lifestyle and our home to fit all three of us in this little cabin in the mountains.  but wouldn't that be a good thing?  teaching responsible living to our daughter?  don't try to take more than you actually need?   and try to learn how to be self sufficient?  what a great lesson we could be living.  now, if i could just find the money for it.

i'm more relaxed after a few days in the mountains.  i'm also more tired.  i'm wanting to go, so we can be closer to family.  because i'm grateful that little one has a bigger sister, and she has a nephew that she loves to play with.  and i would just love to give them the opportunity to see each other more.  and a mental health moment of going outside and just hiking up a hill to clear my mind?  what more could anyone ask for?

almost perfect...

and i wish i had taken pictures.  funny how you get distracted when you're falling in love with a place.  well, maybe we'll get some pictures from one of our "sources."  until then, i need sleep.  yes, it's a cryptic post.  i'm tired.  and just over the moon.  but sleep beacons.  and she's not to be denied.

your new assignment, should you choose to accept it...

is to read my friend, colleen doherty romanelli's blog, "things i find on the ground," here on blogspot.  it's really good stuff.  it's hard to believe that colleen and i have known each other for 30 years.  we met as teenagers while marching in the Knights Drum and Bugle Corps from Geneseo, Illinois.  sadly, the Knights no longer exist.  but thanks to facebook, colleen and i have gotten back in touch.  and she's one of the reasons i'm writing this blog.  and it's been helping be be more positive, less pessimistic.  and i can be a very sarcastic an pessimistic person.  the sarcasm lives on, as it should.  but now it takes its form in a lighter, more jovial way.

so go read.  reading is good.  this blog is good stuff.  i'm going to go read it again today.  i challenge you to do the same.

btw, i dislike tom cruise and the mission impossible movies.  this was the original  version, ala 1970's.  because the original is ALWAYS better than a copy.  and colleen is one of a kind!

24 hours later.....

....and i'm back.  we had no phone service.  i've had it with our phone provider.  i actually said to the customer service rep handling the call (that our cell phones didn't drop, have i mentioned, we live on the side of a mountain?)  "you do relize this is the twenty-first century version of, 'the dog ate my homework.'"  imagine, she didn't laugh.  not even a chortle.  someone has NO SENSE OF HUMOR!

so we're changing our provider.  i'm tired of it happening.   it's happened too much, and i don't want to angry (i said that word again) about little things like that.  it ruins my day, REALLY!  so, enough.  but i have to admit, this blog is doing it's thing.  24 hours with no phone service meant 24 hours with NO POLITICAL CALLS!!!  WOO HOO!!!!!!  it was nice and quiet.  blissfully so.

but unfortunately, i didn't get to enjoy it all.  i've been burning the candle at both ends.  and my body has this incredible way of telling me to cool it.   it just shuts down.  all systems stop.   i pass out, my husband has to drag me back to bed, and i have to sleep. and i mean sleep.  and then the nausea starts.  it wasn't pretty.  never ever think that you're going to do your overstressed, under rested self a favor by having falafel for lunch.  it ain't pretty.  so i went to bed early.  and kept getting up because of the nausea.  only one thing will cure that, and it's humiliating.  it's a mcdonald's cheeseburger and fries.  how embarrassing! 

so at 1:00 am, when hubby got home from work, he's trying to feed me a cheeseburger and fries, i manage to eat about 1/3 of it, and i have had enough.  i need sleep.  lots and lots of sleep.  in fact, i'm not getting out of bed today.  we have another busy weekend ahead of us, and i need all the rest i can get.  i have to pack at sometime, but i'm not concerned.  i'll get it done.  i can pack with my eyese closed.  i need the rest.  so, this entry and then sleep.  okay, maybe an episode of burn notice, but i am going to sleep some more.  i have daughter duty coming up at 3:45 when she gets home, so time's a wastin'.  later, gator.

the anger dance

i'm having to find a new way to deal with anger.  ANGER.  i don't even like the word, let alone having to admit that i'm ANGRY.  how do you deal with anger and still find a way to express your gratitude?  it seems like quite a conundrum, doesn't it?  but i'm finding the more i acknowledge my anger, and not let it seethe, the easier it is to let go of whatever it is that makes me so upset.  i just wish i would have learned this technique about 30 years ago.  i might be in a very different place.  but then again, maybe i wasn't supposed to learn it 30 years ago.  there i go, questioning the universe again.  i must learn not to do that.  the universe knows what she's doing, and we're just a small gathering of molecules that possess enough intelligence to dare to question her authority.

so, what am i do to about handling my anger?  i'm a crazy baker.  but that's not going to help, i enjoy eating what i bake.  and i'm trying to lose weight.  just a bit counterproductive, and rather passive-aggresive to myself.  and that in itself, is a truly depressing thought.  how do you express your anger, yet learn to embrace it and be grateful for?  undoubtedly, the biggest dilemma i've come across yet in life.

do i learn a hobby?  do i submerge myself in learning to knit or crochet until i become one of those crazy women that knits and crochets everything from toaster cozies to cat sweaters?   that's such an unbecoming thought in and of itself, i can't even attempt to entertain it.  i used to latch hook when i was a 12 or 13 year old.  it was something to do during the cold illinois winters.  i wasn't an extremely popular kid, so it occupied my time.  i just was never very crafty.  i'm a cook, and i'm a gardner.  and here i have a very small kitchen, but it's mine.  and unfortunately, i have no land.  we live in a condo, but again, it's ours.  i bought it as a single gal, never expecting to get married or have a child.  ms. universe had other plans for me, that cosmic joker that she is.

i keep coming back to the same thought, time and time again.  "what if i'm just not that creative?"  i can think of a thousand projects i'd LIKE to do, but i lack the know how to do them.  i'm not very artistic at all.  i took art in high school, but i never found the medium that helped me best express myself.  i always needed a lot of extra coaching and coaxing to bring out "my muse."  i'm beginning to wonder if we all have a muse in the first place.  now it seems, i'm just afraid to attempt anything such as painting, drawing, sculpting, anything.  my brain and hands are very disjointed, it would seem.  i see things i want to do in my head, but when i try to put them down on paper or canvas, they look nothing like what i intended them to be.  and that brings frustration.  but that's another entry, all in itself.

back to anger.  yelling?  i don't want to do that.  i was scared of yelling when i was a child.  i have a child, and i don't want her to have that same trauma.  i can't seem to sit still long enough to meditate, so that's not an option.  punching a pillow?  i'd rather take a krav maga class and get something out of it, but i can't do that at the moment.  and i don't want to stew in my anger.  i need to let it out, in a constructive and positive manner.  so i'm going to try an experiment, for at least a month.  whenever i feel angry, i'm going to try to find a quiet place, sometimes harder to do than it sounds.  and i'm going to sit with my anger, for at least 10 minutes.  try to really think about what it is that's making me angry.  i know that 10 minutes doesn't sound like a lot of time, but when you are trying to focus on the one thing that is making you angry (or sad, or miserable, or happy, or frustrated or insert emotion here) it can be an eternity.  and then i am going to actively try to release the anger.  i'm not sure how i'm going to do that, this is a work in progress, an experiment.  i'm open to suggestions.  and finally i will thank the universe for letting me feel anger.  for letting me know that i'm truly alive.  for letting me bring myself back to center, and for letting me move on.  and move on, i will.  and we'll see how it goes.  i'm really, really hoping to report back in one month's time that i'm not sitting in my house knitting sweaters for my cats.

garage sale sunday or how to survive life on three bloody marys a day.

we wrapped up the annual garage sale today.  needless to say, traffic wasn't quite what we expected today.  friends mike and nay showed up with their stuff today, and little one was a GREAT salesperson helping mike sell his hot wheels collection and his grown daughter's my little pony cast offs.  we just weren't very successful selling the rest of the household goods that we thought would be snapped up so quickly.  we kept telling everyone to disregard the price tags and just negotiate with us, we were very flexible.  and everyone (but me) was very lubricated.  it was tradition.  it was BLOODY MARY SUNDAY!  and, being the non drinker in the bunch, i don't know how i got just as silly as the rest of them.  but we had a good time.  the jokes and laughs were flowing, all the lookie-loos were having a good time seeing that we were having a good time, they just weren't buying.

but i did get a few nibbles.  what seemed to sell best was little one's outgrown books.  we were going to donate them, but we thought we'd try to sell some first, and try to make any pocket change we could.  we started out with three book boxes filled, and ended up with one book box barely half full.  i was making deals left and right, because books are wonderful things, and shouldn't be neglected.  i was charging rock bottom prices for books i had picked up while traveling the world.  i just wanted to make sure they went to good homes.  and to see that the children were happy when they got a new book?  that was all the reward i really needed.  and with one family, that's really all i got.

it was a rather large family, and they had a strategy.  we've seen this strategy employed before, so we were on our toes.  they bring a bunch of kids, get everyone pulling everything out of boxes, off shelves, unfold everything, have everyone running here and there, ask so many questions that you forget what they're getting.  we had three families selling at this garage sale.  we had three families setting prices.  we had three different people to consult when they asked, "how much?"  and we frustrated them MORE than they frustrated us, because we'd have to relay the question to the proper person, and we were moving around, watching them, making sure nothing wasn't where it wasn't supposed to be, and that every nickle was accounted for.  it was rather humorous to watch these women try to work us, and not know we were working them right back.   but it just about broke my heart when the two older girls got some toys and books, and the younger boy that was with them was completely ignored.  we didn't have much, as far as boys toys, but i wasn't going to have his sisters get all the attention and have him not get ANYTHING.  so, they're totaling up their purchases, and darned if they didn't try to short mike, tim and me (didn't see that one coming, did you?)  we all got the correct amounts, finally and they were leaving.  i grabbed two small books out of the book box and went up to the little boy and gave them to him.  he gave me a quizzical look, and i just said, "these are for you, from me."  he smiled and said thank you.  he hugged them to his chest and skipped down the street to join his sisters.  i was happy to let them go, knowing i had just made him happy.

i'll have to admit, that was one of the high points of the day.  the other was meeting rodrigo, a very nice young man, maybe 10, who had just come from church.  he was in his suit and tie, and was just looking around.  our friend chrissy chatted with him for a moment and asked him what he wanted to do when he grew up.  he said he wanted to be a lawyer.  well, we were very impressed.  he was a very composed, charismatic young man.  and very, very polite.  he said he was waiting for his mother, she was at another house looking at something.  chrissy gave him a decorator plate to give her as a present. he said thank you, and that she would like that.  we just smiled as he waved and walked away.  we had met a few very nice young men that day.  and it wasn't like we were giving away national treasures.  we were giving away our castoffs.  but these two young men felt honored.  and we felt good about ourselves, because we were doing something for someone else.  chrissy was doing something so rodrigo could give his mother a nice gift, and i was doing something so that a little boy wouldn't feel neglected by his family.

and on a day that is usually a bit of a downer, we just smiled at each other and realized that it is the little things like that that help us get by in this world.  rodrigo's mother is going to cherish her gift, and think her son is a wonderful boy for thinking of her.  and my little guy is going to feel a little more empowered because someone thought of him before his sisters.  and he got the gift of books.  and books are wonderful things.

food for thought

so i'm contemplating the meaning of life.  more specifically, the meaning of MY life.  there's been enough sadness, depression, self-loathing and general yuckiness for about 5 lifetimes, so this begs to question, why am i still here?

there HAS to be a reason.  i've been a pretty open book about much of my life, that's for sure.  i've been in treatment before, for bulimia.  i decided right away not to be embarrassed or ashamed of that fact, to look at it as my 30th birthday present to me.  i've still struggled on and off since then, but i try to keep my head in the right place.  i figure by being honest, if i help one person, i've served my purpose in life.  and who knows?   maybe i've done that.  i mean, i can spot a bulimic or anorexic a mile away.  and in my line of work, it's pretty damned common.  so now i am living in a body that i'm not comfortable with.  i've been dealing with a severe injury that has curtailed my physical activity to the point that i've gained over 40 pounds, and that's before you consider i had 40 pounds to lose to be at my goal weight. so i'm 80 pounds over where i want to be.  and i'm miserable in my own skin.  not only that, but it's difficult to HEAR the comments as i go by.  it's pretty difficult to miss being called a pig, even if it is in german.

so what do i do about it?  i'm trying to get healthy, because i have a young daughter, and i want to give her a healthy self-image.  i don't want her to ever doubt herself.  i don't want her comparing herself to models in a magazine and thinking, "if i could only lose xx number of pounds, i'd look so good."  i've basically been on one diet or another since i turned 18.  and none of them have been successful in the long run.  sure, i lost weight.  but i also lost hair, my skin tone, my energy, killed my metabolism, my desire to even leave the house.  i had such bad breath it was unbelievable.  when i first got hired for my current job i was not only bulimic, but an exercise addict, to boot.  i would use my lunch hour to either go to a park and walk laps around a man made pond, or i would race around a hanger for the whole hour, only drinking water.  after i got off work at 5:00 or 5:30, i would race to the nearest branch of the health club i belonged to and work out for hours in aerobics classes, stretching classes, anything to sweat off the weight.  i wasn't eating, i wasn't sleeping, all i was doing was concentrating on losing the weight.  and did i ever lose the weight.  i dropped 40 pounds like it was nothing.  and got my "dream" job.  the job that would help me keep my weight down because i had to.  if i gained weight, i could possibly lose my job.  so i fought like crazy to keep the weight off.  but it didn't work.  irregular hours, crazy schedules and little to no money coming in meant lousy nutrition, poor eating habits, no energy and having to let that health club membership go because it just cost too much.  so i tried walking everywhere.  well, in car crazy california i was a bit of an oddity.  and i was treated as such.  i got cat calls, followed by leering men, and half scared out of my wits by cars making sport out of "running down the pedestrian" because they could.  so i started taking busses, and taxis.  and i got very lazy.  and then i ended up breaking up with the guy i was seeing and took solace in chocolate everything.  and pretty soon, my uniforms weren't fitting all that well.  and it only got worse, year after year.

so that brings me to the decision that i made, of which not too many are supportive.  i've decided to have gastric surgery.  i'm tired of fighting my weight.  i know this isn't going to be an easy fix, it's an ultimate lifestyle change.  i'm working on getting all the pre-requisite testing done in order to qualify for the surgery.  i could go out of the country to have the surgery at any point, and we're seriously considering that, but i'd rather be able to do it right here at home.

it makes me pause, though.  if, by being so open about my past, my treatment and my eating disorder, will this negate my purpose in life?  is that the ONLY reason i'm here?  i certainly haven't been able to figure out any other reason.  hey, i'm trying to be positive about this.  i don't see myself as anything or anyone special.  i just tell it like it is, warts and all.  but am i going to alter my life so drastically that i will no longer be able to help an one, if i helped anyone in the past?  or will this give me a new outlook on life that will open my eyes to a new way of thinking?  it's a dilemma for me.  i really need to do this, for me, and me alone.  i'm not comfortable as i am now.  it's not for vanity, really.  i seriously want to be healthy.  so does the method negate everything i've stood for in the past?  i really would like to hear from some of you on this.  and please keep in mind that i've thought long and hard about this.  this decision is about 10 years in the making.  it hasn't been made lightly.  it's not about fitting into a certain size, it isn't about looking hot at my high school reunion, i don't even go to them.  it's about me setting a good example for my daughter, and living a healthy, normal life.  it's about being able to walk a normal distance and not be in pain.  it's about hopefully being able to run again someday.  it's about breaking the obsession with food and the scale.  it's about getting my mind, heart and body all in the same place. and learning to love all three of them, as they are.  because right now they're fighting each other.  and that's not a happy place to be in.  so please, let's hear it.  what do you think?