for some, this is going to be a polarizing blog entry. but i feel i need to clarify something for a few people. unfortunately, those people probably will never stumble upon my blog and read what i have to say.
i was reading the Huffington Post today. specifically, this article. after reading it, i cried for the author. it could have been me. it could have very easily been me.
i was told four days after my 35th birthday that i would never have children. my FSH was way out of balance. my hormones were all over the place. i was having two or three periods a month, and there was no change in any of my life habits. i had been trying to lose weight, and the Atkins diet was all the rage. i followed it to the letter, and couldn't lose a pound. my ob/gyn was concerned about that. he ordered a battery of tests and that's when i got the news that changed my life.
"you didn't want to have kids anyway, did you?" he said jokingly. you see, all my friends that went to the same doctor had already had all their children or didn't want to get pregnant. i was on birth control, but it wasn't regulating my periods. there was something definitely wrong. i broke down. i lost it. i was uncontrollably sobbing, almost screaming in his office. when he realized his mistake, he bolted out of the room and sent his nurse in to calm me down. no go. i told her to send him back in, i wanted a full explanation. and that's when he said the words that hung around my neck like an albatross. i was already starting menopause. childbearing was out of the question. just give up on the idea, you'll be happier in your life if you don't dwell on what you can't have. easy words, coming from a man.
two weeks later, i was with my best friend, in the colorado mountains, at a yoga retreat. i had signed up for a seminar given by shiva rea entitled, "embracing the feminine." this was months before the news in the sterile doctors' office. i sat there, on my purple hugger mugger mat, stretching, warming up my muscles, intent on listening to this woman, this yogini, this blond california goddess to tell us how to, "embrace the feminine" in our own lives. things didn't go as planned. i was definitely in the wrong place, at the wrong time. it was a seminar about our menstrual cycles, how to embrace the divine of womanhood. how to learn to capitalize on that which men cannot understand. the mystery of the moon and her secrets for all women. i lost it again. i gathered up my purple hugger mugger mat, put my shoes on, and bleary eyed, trying not to be hysterical, excused myself from the room. as i reached the door, i was sobbing uncontrollably again. one of shiva's assistants came running out after me, to see what was wrong. i just flung myself on the ground, crying and shaking as i tried to explain that it wasn't her, it was me. it was my life. it was being told i was already menopausal at 35, and there was no more, "feminine" for me. she was kind, she was polite. she tried to convince me to rejoin the group, but no, i stood my ground. this was not for me, at this time. i hiked it up to the main lodge to wait for my friend to finish her class. it was the most solitary and lonely 90 minutes of my life. just me and my thoughts of how my body had failed me, before i even asked it to consider having children!
fast forward a number of years, three or four, i can't remember which. i decided i wouldn't let this define me. i bought my own home, i got my life in order. i was working hard and achieving goals at my job. i got rid of a lazy, good for nothing, abusive boyfriend, and was single and happy by myself. i didn't feel rushed into anything, i just sort of let things happen at their own pace. i hadn't been on a date in three years, but i didn't care about that, either. finally, two friends decided there was someone they both wanted me to meet. i kept saying no. we exchanged emails and phone calls. that led to the first date being suggested. well, thank goodness, i was working. dodged the bullet that time. i just wasn't comfortable. i didn't know if i wanted to date anyone. it had been a long time. the previous relationship was one that took up a lot of years, and it wasn't particularly a good, supportive relationship. it was rather one sided. he was a taker. and when he didn't get his way, he lashed out in different ways. and then, when it finally got physical, i had the courage to say enough! did i want to open myself up to that again? i didn't think so.
so this conversational stuff goes on for another month or two. i have to be in L.A. for a meeting, so i finally say, what the heck? go out, it's just dinner. he had everything going against him. he was divorced, had a child, and was older than me. his car? oh, don't get me started! it was a mess!!! i don't know why i agreed to a second date, not that he called right away. he didn't call for two months or some strange amount of time. he was rather full of himself, or so i thought. but i went out. and it wasn't a disaster. and i went out again, and again. and pretty soon we were in a relationship. and i had to drop the bomb. "i can't have children." you would have thought i had said, "i can't have pickles," for all it mattered. it DIDN'T matter. i got to know his daughter, we slowly developed a relationship as friends. i told her i was never going to be her mom, i never wanted to take her mom's place, that's not who i was. i hope she appreciated it. high school is such a confusing time. i started staying with them before my trips, after my trips, when i could. and then 9/11 came along. and i was stuck in orange county. not so far from home, but i couldn't get home. we'd been dating for less than 3 months at that point, but things kind of gelled then. we just moved right along. sometimes it was hard, sometimes it was downright miserable. but i had that thing about having kids off my back, like the proverbial monkey.
two years later, we get married. call me crazy. i never saw myself getting married, but we got married. when my friends ask, i say, "he makes me laugh." and he does. plus he puts up with my crap. we weren't trying to get pregnant, but we weren't not trying to get pregnant. he told me to stop putting synthetic hormones in my body (aka birth control) it wasn't good for me, it increased the risk for cancer, and if i got pregnant, we'd take it from there.) big talk, i thought. okay, we'll take the jump.
six months later, i'm coming off a vacation month and i get up to 32.000 feet altitude, and i'm sick. throwing up sick. locked in the lav, apologizing to my flying partners for running to the lav to puke one more time. "i must have a sinus infection or an ear infection coming on," i say. nope. they tell me i'd better go pick up an e.p.t. i remind them that i can't have kids. silly women! they all laugh at me, yeah, right. just go pick one up, they say. i ignore this. then i start thinking about when my last period was. i can't remember. well, i'm going through menopause, right? nothing unusual about this. i continue my trip, continue getting sick, continue trying to convince myself that it's an ear infection. and pick up an e.p.t. on my way home from the airport. just so i can laugh back at them. ha! told you it was an ear infection.
i take my little urine stick to the bathroom on a sunday morning. i have to pee like crazy. put the cap on, set it on the counter and this is the longest three minutes of my life. i can't even get myself to look at it. i wake up hubby from a sound sleep and ask him what the test says. he replies, "you passed." what the hell does THAT mean? the next morning, i call my g.p., make an appointment, and continue to fly, because it has to be confirmed by a doctor to be an "official pregnancy." i wonder what an "unofficial pregnancy" is. so i go in, pee in a cup, get the test and she tells me i'm pregnant. how the hell did that happen? i mean, i'm already going through menopause, right? she wants to know who told me that because, no, i'm not. now i'm determined not to go back to my ob/gyn, so she sends me to her ob/gyn. i'm high risk, because i'm over 40. so i go to the perinatologist. we have our genetic counseling, which really isn't much of anything. has anyone in your family had this? this? this? well, all the answers were no, so no big. okay, let's get the ultrasound done. that's when i get the shock of my life. i'm already in my second trimester. i'm 14 weeks pregnant. the doctor says we're doing the amniocentesis today because there's very little time to waste, if we want to terminate the pregnancy. terminate? why would we want to terminate? he gets very serious then. you're over 40, the odds of down syndrome is greatly increased. there are other birth defects, like the ones the author of this article had to face, that could be factors. the list goes on and on. my head is swimming. and now i have to go through this procedure? what if i don't? we quickly discuss it, and decide to have the amnio. i don't even have to take off my clothes, i just have to pull up my shirt, they swab my belly with that horrible brown liquid that never comes off, i'm watching the needle go in. I'M WATCHING THIS! it's all a bit surreal. they take a small amount of amniotic fluid and then they are done. i get a band-aid on my stomach, a sheet of instructions, sent home, told to rest and that's that. i'm really pregnant. i mean, i'm really, really pregnant. heartbeat, the whole thing. it's really sinking in. what have i done?
then comes the longest week of my life. we're waiting for the results of the amnio. to find out if there are any abnormalities, any birth defects. we're up against the clock, because if the fetus isn't viable, we're running out of time for termination. there's that word again. terminate. they don't call it an abortion. they don't call it a baby. they call it a termination of an unviable pregnancy or termination of an unviable fetus. we finally get the call. thankfully, everything is fine. a healthy baby....do we want to know? yes. a healthy baby girl. from that point on, i'm super cautious, if i wasn't before. okay, except for the grand canyon hiking trip at 6 months, maybe. i'm walking, i'm eating well, but the nausea. ugh!
i'm one of the lucky ones. everything is going great. until my birthday. at 7 months along, i suddenly have breathing problems. i collapse at home, end up in telemetry for a week and become the sideshow of the unit. my perinatologist is wonderful, and comes to see me a few times. he's really concerned about how everything is going. my ob stops by to check. they never did find out what was going on. within a week, all symptoms cease, i'm home and all is well again. we never did find out what was going on. but it scared me enough to tell my husband that if anything were to happen he was to save the baby. baby came first. my life came second. i made him promise over and over again. i made one of the nurses tell me she heard that. i asked if i had to put it in writing. no, they would do what they had to, if they had to. but they didn't have to.
on november 13, after having been induced on november 12, our daughter was born. she was beautiful, healthy, and perfect. she's been the light of my life. i love her with all my heart. and it's because of her that i still vote for pro-choice candidates. if, after reading this, you come to the conclusion that i'm just another woman who is chasing women out to get abortions, you really don't get the pro-choice movement. would i have an abortion? i honestly can't say. but i believe it should be a safe, legal option. and it's for my daughter that i keep voting pro-choice. i've been accused of being a baby murderer, which is so far from the truth, it's laughable. i've been called all kinds of names because of my staunch stance on this issue. Roe v. Wade made abortion legal in this country. and i believe, as long as the supreme court upholds this case, i will continue to support pro-choice legislation.
i'm proudly Pro-Child and Pro-Choice. i hope this helps someone, anyone understand that there is a difference in being Pro-Choice, but not choosing to have an abortion yourself. there's a big misunderstanding as to what a Pro-Choice person believes. i'm pro-choice, i wanted to have a child with all my heart. and i was confused and offended when my caregivers started talking about, "racing the clock" and "unviable fetuses" and "termination." would i have? we never really discussed it. all i knew is that i wanted to be a mommy. but i still defend another woman's right to make that choice for herself, as heartbreaking as it can be.
so today, i am grateful that i live in a nation that allows women the right to govern their bodies. and tonight, tomorrow, and until the end of time i am grateful for Olivia. the light of my life. the one that was meant to be here. even when she won't clean up her room. baby girl, i love you, to the moon and back. i love you best of all. i love you most. you are my sunshine, you always will be. and i hope you have the same opportunities that i had when you grow up.
i love you always,
mom
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