gratitude. grateful. gracious. i have to keep those words in the foreground of my life. i have to keep reminding myself that i'm trying to achieve something here. i don't know if anyone is reading this, and i don't even know if it matters.
what does matter is that i get my thoughts down. i make sure that i express my feelings each and every day. i haven't been journaling as i should be. i've been focused on this blog. i'm trying to change my life, you see. i'm trying to bring about such a dramatic change that i don't even think i can comprehend it.
pessimist meet optimist. i've always been rather negative. and now, at the ripe old age of you have no business knowing, i've had enough of that. i need to be an optimistic person. i need to be uplifted. i need hope. i need to be such a ray of sunshine that hope just bounces off of me. yes, i'm melodramatic, but that's how i need to express the change that needs to happen in my life. and it's all because of something that happened one day.
i stopped crying. i was upset, i was physically, mentally, emotionally upset. i was just wasted. i couldn't go on. i can't remember what it was that caused such a crack in the façade, but i just couldn't go on. i got nasty, mean, ugly. terrible to people. i refused to leave the house under any circumstances. and i was so upset, so despondent, that i just wanted to sit down and cry. so i did. i sat down on my bed. drew the blinds. sat in as much darkness as i could, and tried to cry. and i couldn't. i thought of the saddest thing i could. i couldn't muster up a tear. nothing. had i lost my ability to cry? to show emotion? what the fuck was going on? i had become so hardened that i couldn't do anything without being mean and cruel. it had to change.
i was headed down a road i didn't like. and then i ran straight into two texas assholes and their friends that brought about the "breakdown." nothing like being told you're a waste of a human being and that you're going to hell because of something that WAS DONE TO YOU many years ago. i'm the victim, and i'm going to hell. well, fuck you. and the berating i got, the words that were thrown in my direction, the names i was called.....i.....snapped. i lost touch with reality for three days. i couldn't get out of bed. and suddenly, all i could do was CRY. and i cried. and screamed. and got my voice back. and found my power. and decided right there and then that my life was going to change, and it was going to matter.
so that's what this project is all about. those of you that are my friends, that stood by me during those very dark days, thank you. you are my heart. if it wasn't for you, i wouldn't have been able to focus myself on turning it around. i'm grateful that i've been given a second chance. GRATEFUL. GRATITUDE. i'm practicing those things each day. in some small way. i'm trying to be kinder to others and to myself. maybe this will make a difference in someone's life. maybe not. maybe i'm wasting my time by writing. i hope not. but it's helping me. so i keep pushing on.
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