i don't know if i mentioned it, but i had a sleep study last month. what a lot of fun that is. go to the sleep center, they watch you all night, monitor you all night, find out what's going on. why are you so tired when you wake up? why aren't you getting proper sleep? what's going on when the lights go out?
when it comes to me, the answer is......i'm not sleeping. i could have told them that! my official diagnosis was.......wait for it.........insomnia. hey, that's great. tell me something i didn't know. i'm only at "sleep efficiency" of 27%, whatever that means. i guess it means i'm not sleeping. and now there's discussion of testing me for.....narcolepsy? i can't remember the last time i fell asleep when i wasn't attempting to fall asleep.
so we don't know what's going on. i'm just not sleeping. and it's getting more and more severe, and causing more and more problems. so what is there to be grateful about this? well, i don't have sleep apnea, for one thing. i don't stop breathing in my sleep. that could be really scary. and we're on our way towards finding a solution, i hope. i have a physician who is compassionate, and who cares. she's concerned with the test results, and my level of exhaustion. and the fact that i'm just not who i was a few years ago. i've dealt with insomnia for many years, but it's just gotten to be too much. it's gotten to the point where it's all consuming my life. it's work to try to fall asleep. i take my sleep meds (yes, i said meds, i'm on more than one for sleep. that's how desperate this is) at 9:00 pm. i don't fall asleep until 4 or 4:30 am. what good am i at that point? i can't get anything accomplished during the day because i'm wrecked. i spend most of my time TRYING to sleep.
so it goes without saying, but i'm saying it, i'm so grateful that i have a husband that understands that this is a serious issue. he knows what i go through. he sees my frustrations. he has seen me look like a zombie, and have problems trying to focus and concentrate. he's actually sent me to bed, told me he didn't want to see me for the rest of the day, when he has a day off. and he's working like crazy to try to keep us afloat. i don't know what i would have done these last two years without him. i probably would have been checked into a hospital a long time ago, and my parents would have my daughter right now.
i wish i could relay how it feels to be so sleep deprived, so desperate for sleep that you just can't function any longer. people always tell me, "i know how you feel, i get so tired." no, you don't know how i feel. i feel like crap. it's a clinical condition, it's not pulling an all-nighter. it's 4-5 years of deprivation so vast that there is no catching up on the deficit. it's not having a cup of coffee in the morning because you don't know how your body is going to react to caffeine that day. that's so unfair. i've had to almost completely give up coffee. it's being in such a fog that you don't hear people when they're speaking directly to you. i wish it were easy to explain. it just isn't. but there are days, there are those rare, very few days, when i get a good amount of sleep, and i just feel fantastic. i feel like my old self. those days, sadly, are long gone.
but, i have my husband. and i thank him for everything he does to help our family. i wish i could reciprocate at this time. there will come a time when i'll be back in working order, and things will get better. but until then, i can dream...daydream, that is.
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