we're fighting. we're not getting along. and it's all my fault. again. it's always my fault. i'm so tired of being at fault. i don't do anything right these days. are we conflicting or conflicted?
i started this project to feel better about myself. i didn't do this to slight anyone else in my life, and i don't think i have. but simultaneously, we (my husband says that means *I*) started another project, the SNAP project. living on what a family of three would have in SNAP benefits. that's $203 for one month. and i know we've gone over budget this month, already. i can't get him to sit down and add up totals with me, and that's starting fights. and where he thought it was a GREAT idea, and suggested we do this for 6 months to a year, not the 3 months i originally proposed (because that wouldn't be enough time to get the hang of it) now he wants to quit the whole thing. because, he says, SNAP is SUPPLEMENTAL. people that receive food stamps are spending money and this is supplemental income that they get to use. well, that's not the point of the exercise. the point is to see if we can live, and be healthy, and GRATEFUL (see, i snuck that one in on him, when he wasn't looking) on a very slim budget. now he wants to change the rules. sorry pal, the game is already in progress and we cannot go back to the beginning and change the rules.
am i being a hard ass on this? i started this DELIBERATELY in november because of thanksgiving day. i wanted to express my gratitude and gratefulness of what we have, and how our lives aren't filled with daily challenges. little one hasn't gone to bed one night hungry. in fact, last night she chose to go to bed with no dinner, because she just wasn't hungry at all. i'd say that's a small victory. she wasn't whining about not getting what she wants to eat, she wasn't whining about not getting dessert, she just said she wasn't hungry, she was really tired, and went to bed. she crawled in with me in the middle of the night because she couldn't sleep, but really, i know it was just to be close. she's just turned eight today, and she's still my little girl. and i'll let her be my little girl as long as she wants to be. but when she starts whining, i call her on it.
so there hasn't been any complaining from her. she's happy, for the most part. we're having an issue with her lunches at school, but that's another issue altogether. that has to be handled by the school. but on my end, she's content. but hubby is a malcontent. he just doesn't want to go along with the game. and that's making me doubt myself. did i make the wrong decision trying to do this? what was i trying to prove? am i just do damned stubborn that i just have to have my way? after all, he did think this was a great idea, at the start. then when he realized he couldn't go out to restaurants as much as he'd like, he doesn't like the idea? btw, we've had restaurant meals three times in the last two weeks, and i'm not happy about that. do i need to just adjust my attitude? i'm trying to succeed at this, but i have a partner that is undermining me at every turn.
and that starts to affect my mood, and this project. i've been crying again. and that isn't good. i'm frustrated again. ditto on the good part. and that makes me feel like the most ungrateful bitch there ever was. i feel like a bully. i feel like i'm pushing my will on my family. i thought this was a great idea, and i had support. now i feel like i'm fighting a battle on my own, and everyone around me is doing their best to make sure i fail. and it hurts. and that sets me back a couple of months. i feel like i never started this project. i feel like i'm back in that dark place that was so frightening and lonely. and i don't want to be there.
do i just give in? give up? let it all go? the point seems to be lost because my gratitude and optimism has been defeated by one person and their attitude toward my projects. they signed on, but now want to change everything. do i just let them? for the sake of family harmony, do i just give in and let my husband change the rules of my project, the rules that he agreed to, to suit HIS liking? or just chuck the whole thing and pretend that it never happened? if i do that i'll surely sink back into the abyss that i was just crawling out of. maybe that's what he wants. maybe he wants me so miserable that i only depend on him providing my happiness, by way of support and love. but without communication, is it really worth struggling for?
maybe i'm just in a momentary funk. maybe i'll get a good night's sleep and i'll wake up and the world will be fine. but chances of that happening are right up there with winning the lottery. i'm trying to be optimistic. i WAS achieving that, but lately? the arguments, the conflicts have just sucked the life out of me. and when i get like this, i just shut down. and i'm getting damned close to shutting down. and i DON'T want to be that person, ever again. but i'm being pushed and pushed. and the only safety i know is to retreat. napoleon would be proud. but then again, look how things turned out for him.
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