my attitude has needed adjusting. that's why i haven't been blogging. the holidays are particularly difficult for me, and i felt as though i was victimized by someone that blogged about my not feeling "connected" to the holidays. the more people got on their christian high horses, the more pissed off i got. and that person had to write a blog entry about it. i'm still hurt by it, as if you couldn't tell.
but i have to move on. i'm looking for tutors. i'm looking for a tutor in Turkish and a tutor in Arabic. it's unfortunately too late to sign up at the local junior college for Arabic I, so i can't take any classes. there was also a very interesting class on Islam being offered, by a professor i know. it would have been fabulous to have been able to take those classes, but i found out about them too late. so i'm going to call and see if i can at least audit the class on Islam. there are some very good ideals that i would like to learn about.
and i plan on attending my local masjid in the coming year. save your breath, if you're going to tell me i'm going to hell. it's very unchristian to judge another person and their religious beliefs. i've hung out with hari krishnas, sikhs (at yoga conferences, they are FASCINATING people) baha'i, jews, hindis, buddhists, you name it. no one has EVER told me i'm going to hell if i don't believe what they believe.....only radical christians. READ THAT AGAIN. RADICAL CHRISTIANS. not every christian i know. but then again there are those mainstream christians that judge me just as much. i don't judge them. i'm happy they have faith. it's something i've been searching for for nearly 40 years. and now i want to explore Islam. so don't come down hard on me. be happy for me, wish me well in my journey and pray that i find the peace that i so need to find.
i've been very private about this for a long time, but now i'm putting it out there. and i truly wish that people can find it in their hearts to be kind and help me along in this journey. i need a lot of support, because i already know a lot of people are going to turn their backs on me, just because. and that's their choice. and that's okay. if they are that small minded, and they don't see that i'm still the same person, just trying to live by holding myself to a higher standard, is it my loss? or theirs? i've cried a lot of tears over this decision. but in my heart, i know there is peace to be found. i walked into a mosque on 9/11 and sat for hours talking to men and women, telling my story, and it's a unique story for someone just coming to Islam. i didn't know what to expect. but what i got? genuine caring and concern. unfortunately i haven't been able to get back to the mosque because i can't drive right now. but i expect that soon that will change.
i need a new community. i need to find a way to expand my heart. and forgiveness is the best way to do so. i'm kind of hoping i'll be like the grinch in the next few weeks and my heart will grow two sizes, to accept and express all the love i want to get out there. the bitterness has to go. there is a lot of love hidden inside. it just needs the right foil to find its way out.
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