so i'm contemplating the meaning of life. more specifically, the meaning of MY life. there's been enough sadness, depression, self-loathing and general yuckiness for about 5 lifetimes, so this begs to question, why am i still here?
there HAS to be a reason. i've been a pretty open book about much of my life, that's for sure. i've been in treatment before, for bulimia. i decided right away not to be embarrassed or ashamed of that fact, to look at it as my 30th birthday present to me. i've still struggled on and off since then, but i try to keep my head in the right place. i figure by being honest, if i help one person, i've served my purpose in life. and who knows? maybe i've done that. i mean, i can spot a bulimic or anorexic a mile away. and in my line of work, it's pretty damned common. so now i am living in a body that i'm not comfortable with. i've been dealing with a severe injury that has curtailed my physical activity to the point that i've gained over 40 pounds, and that's before you consider i had 40 pounds to lose to be at my goal weight. so i'm 80 pounds over where i want to be. and i'm miserable in my own skin. not only that, but it's difficult to HEAR the comments as i go by. it's pretty difficult to miss being called a pig, even if it is in german.
so what do i do about it? i'm trying to get healthy, because i have a young daughter, and i want to give her a healthy self-image. i don't want her to ever doubt herself. i don't want her comparing herself to models in a magazine and thinking, "if i could only lose xx number of pounds, i'd look so good." i've basically been on one diet or another since i turned 18. and none of them have been successful in the long run. sure, i lost weight. but i also lost hair, my skin tone, my energy, killed my metabolism, my desire to even leave the house. i had such bad breath it was unbelievable. when i first got hired for my current job i was not only bulimic, but an exercise addict, to boot. i would use my lunch hour to either go to a park and walk laps around a man made pond, or i would race around a hanger for the whole hour, only drinking water. after i got off work at 5:00 or 5:30, i would race to the nearest branch of the health club i belonged to and work out for hours in aerobics classes, stretching classes, anything to sweat off the weight. i wasn't eating, i wasn't sleeping, all i was doing was concentrating on losing the weight. and did i ever lose the weight. i dropped 40 pounds like it was nothing. and got my "dream" job. the job that would help me keep my weight down because i had to. if i gained weight, i could possibly lose my job. so i fought like crazy to keep the weight off. but it didn't work. irregular hours, crazy schedules and little to no money coming in meant lousy nutrition, poor eating habits, no energy and having to let that health club membership go because it just cost too much. so i tried walking everywhere. well, in car crazy california i was a bit of an oddity. and i was treated as such. i got cat calls, followed by leering men, and half scared out of my wits by cars making sport out of "running down the pedestrian" because they could. so i started taking busses, and taxis. and i got very lazy. and then i ended up breaking up with the guy i was seeing and took solace in chocolate everything. and pretty soon, my uniforms weren't fitting all that well. and it only got worse, year after year.
so that brings me to the decision that i made, of which not too many are supportive. i've decided to have gastric surgery. i'm tired of fighting my weight. i know this isn't going to be an easy fix, it's an ultimate lifestyle change. i'm working on getting all the pre-requisite testing done in order to qualify for the surgery. i could go out of the country to have the surgery at any point, and we're seriously considering that, but i'd rather be able to do it right here at home.
it makes me pause, though. if, by being so open about my past, my treatment and my eating disorder, will this negate my purpose in life? is that the ONLY reason i'm here? i certainly haven't been able to figure out any other reason. hey, i'm trying to be positive about this. i don't see myself as anything or anyone special. i just tell it like it is, warts and all. but am i going to alter my life so drastically that i will no longer be able to help an one, if i helped anyone in the past? or will this give me a new outlook on life that will open my eyes to a new way of thinking? it's a dilemma for me. i really need to do this, for me, and me alone. i'm not comfortable as i am now. it's not for vanity, really. i seriously want to be healthy. so does the method negate everything i've stood for in the past? i really would like to hear from some of you on this. and please keep in mind that i've thought long and hard about this. this decision is about 10 years in the making. it hasn't been made lightly. it's not about fitting into a certain size, it isn't about looking hot at my high school reunion, i don't even go to them. it's about me setting a good example for my daughter, and living a healthy, normal life. it's about being able to walk a normal distance and not be in pain. it's about hopefully being able to run again someday. it's about breaking the obsession with food and the scale. it's about getting my mind, heart and body all in the same place. and learning to love all three of them, as they are. because right now they're fighting each other. and that's not a happy place to be in. so please, let's hear it. what do you think?
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