i must admit, i'm losing my faith in mankind. i need to get back to the gratitude in my life. yesterday was one of the toughest days i've ever had to endure. first i was threatened by a middle schooler. normally i wouldn't take such a threat seriously, but the nefarious tone in his voice told me this just wasn't an idle threat. and it occurred in a so called, "safe zone." the parking lot at my daughter's primary school is a free-for-all. we've a small parents group, one that i'm part of, that's trying to get control back from the run-amok teens and parents that take over from 3:15-3:45 every weekday. it's a madhouse, i rattles my nerves. and now this. i have to be at the school in a few hours to make a report to the school police, because they failed to show up yesterday when we called for them. it's just not important to them.
and immediately after that, i went home to follow a woman through the gates of our community. she hadn't a clue where she was going, it was obvious. she was driving an oversize van, and attempted to pull into the carports. i asked her not to, because she was going to damage the carport if she did. a few (and i mean a VERY FEW) steps away was an uncovered spot that would cause no problem. no, she was adamant, as was the person she was visiting, for 45 seconds to pick up a bag, that she was going to pull in and cause property damage to our community, just because. i tried to discuss this with our neighbor, but she was not going to see anything but HER WAY. yes, THAT type of neighbor. she shoved me, took a swing at me (we're talking a 65 year old woman here!) i had to call the police and report the assault. now i'm the bad guy in the neighborhood. i'm the troublemaker. the police wouldn't do anything about it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE THESE DAYS?
i guess i should be grateful that i have a home. but i so want out of this place. i NEED to get out of this place. it seems like every day i'm here, every day i'm forced to remain in a place i no longer want to be, i age that much faster. i feel like i'm fighting for my family. i wish i could describe the situation a little better. i feel like i'm resigned to live a life i no longer want, and that really hurts me, mentally and physically.
don't get me wrong, please. I AM GRATEFUL that we have a home. and that we keep it safe for our daughter. but it's becoming more and more difficult each day. we try to be involved with our community, but when neighbors are so cruel and nasty, you don't want to be involved, you want to retreat. and that isn't a life i want for my daughter. i want her to be able to go out and play, and be safe. and i feel i can't let her do that here. i constantly have to watch her, watch the people around her, watch the people at her school, watch EVERYTHING. it's exhausting to be constantly vigilant. i just want to be able to let her be a child, a carefree child. but i can't do that here.
we do have a little hope, though. we find out next month if she'll be admitted or wait-listed for a magnet school we're trying to get her into. one of her best friends from kindergarten and first grade is going there, and loves it. it means earlier mornings, a commute, a crazier parking lot situation, but a better education. i really want this for her. she's top of her class, but everything is so easy for her, she's not challenged. and her teachers see that. please, think good thoughts for us.
so i'm trying to get back to the gratitude project as it was envisioned. somehow, somewhere, i got sidetracked. somehow i need to strike a balance of keyboard confessional, venting, and continuing my search for the gratitude in my life. so i may go with a more stripped down version of the blog. i may just post a line or two. or i may keep writing whatever comes to mind. but the tone has to change. i haven't been appreciative lately, and that needs to change. and it will.
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