it's a hard knock life

i'm having a rough month.  i'm having a really rough month.  i'm trying to stay upbeat about what is going to happen for my family in 2013, but january, at least the first 2 weeks of it, have got me so down in the dumps i don't  know what to think about the rest of the year.

i was optimistic about everything when the year started.  i wanted to do a fun run on february 16, but i'm giving up on that.  i was planning to have bariatric surgery, but it doesn't look like that is going to happen, either.  i'm 70 pounds over weight and giving up, it seems.

my surgery is dependent on my husband getting his passport.  i have to go outside the US to get the surgery because i minimally qualify for it at home, and insurance won't pay.  my husband has sat on his passport application, despite my frequent requests to complete the process.  so i won't be doing this, as he obviously is in a passive-aggressive state of being on the whole idea.  he says he's supportive, but then is refusing to help me through the process by completing his part of the plan.  and his part is the smallest of contributions.  so what now?

i'm emotionally spent.  i can't keep fighting for something that i know i need, because nothing else has worked.  i'm retreating from everything.  i'm removing myself from everything.  i'm trying to disappear again.  just because he won't do what he said he would do.  that's the emotional toll this has taken on me.  and i can't take any more.

so i'm resigned to not getting the surgery i need to be healthy.  i'm resigned to living with a passive-aggressive type that won't come out and say he isn't going to follow through, he'll just refuse.  and i've just about had it.  i don't get out of bed these days.  my health is getting worse, and i just don't give a fuck any longer.  why should i care when no one else gives a shit?  so i guess i'm done.  i'm done fighting.   i can't do it any longer.  i cannot go on trying to make a better life for my family when i have a partner that will just sit by and let me flail and flounder.  and just watch.  so i give up.  i hope he's satisfied.